| Author | Message | ||
     X1tx |
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, It's early frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." But what about the smell?" Just hold its nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. | ||
| Ray_maines |
An American pilot crash lands his small plane in the Outback of Australia. He's alive but badly hurt and is taken to a local hospital. He comes to the next morning and is in great pain. He realizes he is badly injured and might not make it. Looking around the room he sees a cute Australian nurse and he asks her: Did I come here to die? She replies "No Luv, you came here yesterday." | ||
| X1tx |
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." | ||
| Buell2001b |
Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Corporate Lesson 2 A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide down to her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Corporate Lesson 3 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Corporate Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up. Corporate Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey sighed, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. | ||
| X1tx |
Man took his wife to the livestock show and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "This bull mated 50 times last year". His wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "This bull mated 120 times last year". She gave him a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year". She is so excited that her elbow nearly broke his ribs and she says, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." He looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow." | ||
| Kowpow225 |
Early one morning, a little farm boys runs downstairs and asks his mom for some breakfast. "No. Not until you do your chores.", she says. So outside the boy goes. His first stop is to feed the chickens. While he's standing there feeding them, he kicks one because he's upset about not getting any breakfast. Down the hill he goes to the pigs where again he kicks one. And at his final stop, he kicks one of the cows. On his way into the house, his mother slides over a bowl of dry cereal. "Is this my breakfast?", the boy says. "What about the eggs, bacon, and milk?" "Well," his mother says, "Outside I saw you kick the chicken, so you get no eggs. And then you kicked the pig so you can't have any bacon. And then later you kicked the cow so no milk either." Right about that time the father is heading downstairs and kicks the cat halfway across the room. The little boy looks up at his mother grinning and says, "Do you want to tell him or should I?" |
