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Message |
    
Aesquire
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 14, 2024 - 11:55 am: | 
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https://9gag.com/gag/aVvDGgv
tip for walking dog |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 14, 2024 - 11:58 am: |
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Not a joke, just Great.
https://9gag.com/gag/aD2WR9Z |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 14, 2024 - 12:04 pm: |
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Bicycle maintenance tip.
https://9gag.com/gag/aVvDNjw |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Saturday, August 17, 2024 - 03:45 am: |
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A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there is something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, Ive been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didnt have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?" |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Sunday, August 18, 2024 - 04:07 am: |
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A woman, frustrated because her husband was late coming home from golf yet again, decided to leave a note that read, "I've had enough. Im leaving you. Dont try to find me."
She then hid under the bed to watch his reaction.
Soon after, her husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he made his way into the bedroom.
She watched as he walked over to the dresser, picked up the note, and read it.
After a moment, he scribbled something on the note, then picked up the phone and called someone.
"She is finally gone. Yeah, its about time. Im on my way. Wear that sexy French nightie. I love you. Can't wait to see you. We will do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
As she heard the car drive away, she crawled out from under the bed, furious and heartbroken. With trembling hands, she picked up the note to see what he had written.
"I can see your feet. We are out of bread; be back in five minutes." |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 20, 2024 - 11:56 am: |
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The Internet in a Nutshell...
https://9gag.com/gag/aZZm0Z9 |
Hootowl
| | Posted on Monday, August 26, 2024 - 03:28 pm: |
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It is international diarrhea week. Runs through Friday. |
Hootowl
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 28, 2024 - 12:41 pm: |
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Flat Earthers travel on planes. |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 28, 2024 - 01:35 pm: |
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BMW ac repair...
https://9gag.com/gag/aRBmbeq |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 28, 2024 - 01:39 pm: |
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Willys Jeep...
https://9gag.com/gag/aE0YmrM |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 28, 2024 - 01:59 pm: |
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there was a great show, National Geographic Ultimate Factories? That showed the Dodge Viper production line. Starting with setting a bare frame on stands, installing the wheels w/tires, and pushing it by hand from station to station, until the last lady literally body slamming into the plastic body ( an experimental thermoplastic body, a bit floppy until bolted down ) to get the panel gaps nice.
I've seen multiple articles with BMW engineers being forbidden to make the car easier to repair. Management doesn't want home repairs, and doesn't care at all that it takes their mechanics hours to reach anything. They make REALLY good money on selling repair contracts to buyers, and soaking the rich idiots that didn't buy one. ( they cost more than I paid for most of my cars )
And a BMW or Mercedes, Will Break. Cheap, plastic, ( really EXPENSIVE cheap plastic ) parts, poorly designed, Engine parts...
There's a Youtuber, Hoovies Garage, where his "regular" mechanic won't even touch BMWs. He goes to a specialist for them.
OTOH, I know Viper owners who keep a basic tool kit in the trunk, and can fix anything minor in a parts store parking lot.
To be fair, I always carried a ballast resistor in my glove box in my Dodge Vans. They always failed at night. Once I replaced one by police searchlight, the Deputy stopped to see why I was sitting at a green light, and was nice enough to park in front of me while I fixed it. |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Saturday, August 31, 2024 - 03:22 pm: |
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not rude...
https://9gag.com/gag/amo2LKV |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Saturday, August 31, 2024 - 03:41 pm: |
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https://9gag.com/gag/adB90yD |
Hootowl
| | Posted on Saturday, August 31, 2024 - 04:37 pm: |
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If you suck at trombone, that is probably why. |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Monday, September 02, 2024 - 05:50 am: |
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Nillaice
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 03, 2024 - 04:48 pm: |
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what's the difference between a man wearing a tuxedo on a motorcycle and a man wearing pajamas on a unicycle?
attire |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Saturday, September 14, 2024 - 10:32 am: |
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Science!
https://9gag.com/gag/aAyD8Qo |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Monday, September 16, 2024 - 05:04 am: |
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The wife checked her husband s phone and found these names:
The tender one
The amazing one
Lady of my dreams,
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang.
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,
so she gave him her whole month s salary to make up for it.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as
Uncle Mike the mechanic |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Monday, September 16, 2024 - 05:08 am: |
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Cancel |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Monday, September 30, 2024 - 04:44 am: |
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Monday, September 30, 2024 - 04:49 am: |
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I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Monday, September 30, 2024 - 06:05 am: |
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Crusty
| | Posted on Monday, September 30, 2024 - 08:30 am: |
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When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, That's a moray. |
Hootowl
| | Posted on Thursday, October 17, 2024 - 08:05 pm: |
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a priest and a nun are driving down the road when a vampire jumps up on the hood and starts hissing at them. the nun says, quick father, show him your cross! The priest rolls down the window and yells, get the •••• off of my car! |
Aesquire
| | Posted on Friday, October 18, 2024 - 12:37 pm: |
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Not so much a joke per se, but...
This week a friend was my passenger through downtown traffic. We're a bit tense, on our way to help a friend in trouble, very depressed, very ill.
Unrelated to our sick friend, we're both fans of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers underground comic.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fabulous_Furry _Freak_Brothers
When stopped at a red light, a car next to us in the Left Turn lane, apparently saw the cross street light turn red, punched the throttle, burning rubber, to slam on the brakes, skidding to a stop, in the middle of the intersection, @45 degrees to any marking, with red lights in all 4 directions, car headlights, ditto.
It was such a Stoner Move straight from the Underground strip, we were laughing for five minutes. Made our day on a very down one. |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 05, 2024 - 02:00 pm: |
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A guy comes home from the pub and he's really angry.
His wife asks him what's wrong.
"That bloody postman bragging down at the pub; claims he's had every woman in this street except one." he says.
"I'll bet it's that snooty cow at number 3." replies the wife. |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Thursday, November 07, 2024 - 06:19 am: |
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Aesquire
| | Posted on Friday, November 08, 2024 - 10:25 am: |
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https://9gag.com/gag/aMVxwV6 |
Ducbsa
| | Posted on Monday, November 11, 2024 - 11:21 am: |
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Aesquire
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 12, 2024 - 02:51 pm: |
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Big butter recall...
https://instapundit.com/683942/ |
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