| Author | Message | ||
     Ducbsa |
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around in the Garden bar and drinking Buds isn't a good thing." She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the old folks Centre and hang out with the fellas. I sent her an e-mail telling her I had and that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 72 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes? I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun to wind the kids up. | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account. ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’ | ||
| Ducbsa |
Q - describe yourself in three words A - I am a rebel | ||
| Hootowl |
 | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| Aesquire |
"Daphne, indefatigable huntress of men" https://9gag.com/gag/az29qQx | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| Hootowl |
| ||
| Whisperstealth |
Good one Hoot! | ||
| Ducbsa |
With the Holidays behind us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, sometimes on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, New Years Eve this happened to me. I was out with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and Bourbon shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call. Happy New Year and be safe out there. | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Aesquire |
https://9gag.com/gag/avQz6yW | ||
| Ducbsa |
I have a feelin that plant is from a movie I haven't seen or don't remember. | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
https://babylonbee.com/news/with-all-the-female-mm s-off-in-their-own-bag-male-mms-finally-enjoying-s ome-peace-and-quiet. | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Hootowl |
You guys hear the one about the cows that were smoking pot at a high steaks poker game? | ||
| Hootowl |
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. | ||
| Xbpete |
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat .This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ... The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. ... ... The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!. | ||
| Hootowl |
I wanted my waterbed to have a bit more bounce to it, so I filled it with spring water. | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| Oldog |
Thankyou Pete  | ||
| Crusty |
 | ||
| Hootowl |
My parents voted for Biden, which is something they never would have done when they were alive. | ||
| Ducbsa |
I went to the furniture store looking for a large sofa. The salesman proudly showed me their largest sofa, and said "You can fit five people on this sofa without any problems." I asked him "How am I going to find five people without any problems?" | ||
| Ducbsa |
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit... The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’ The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says. ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says. ‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’ ‘So I just switched the heads.’ | ||
| 1313 |
 I guess you could say I liked it... |
