| Author | Message | ||
     86129squids |
Well... so much for retirement once the anklebiters get pooted out. LOL Pete, I guess you'll be here all night!!  | ||
| Xbpete |
Subject: The Pickle Slicer Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too.” | ||
| Crusty |
My HERO!!! What happens when men retire: After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. Dear Mrs Samuel, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our vide surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing Management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ''Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least: 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. | ||
| 86129squids |
Crusty, that's one for the AGES good. As a child, I actually lived #13! My mother would be shopping, and I'd inhabit any/all round clothing racks, like a gremlin. Childhood was much better when we were young. | ||
| Xbpete |
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| Xbpete |
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| Xbpete |
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| Xbpete |
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| Hootowl |
She’s a slut. | ||
| 86129squids |
I like Victoria's secretions, and the way she smells. Sometimes like tuna, maybe alderwood smoked salmon... but maybe that's my just my trouser trout. I eat out more than I should, I guess. | ||
| Xbpete |
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| 86129squids |
Pete, dammit you win again! Drats!  I'll be sending that to my older sister... thanks, my friend! | ||
| Xbpete |
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer ! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?" Out of breath and pale as a ghost, the old man whispers... "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!" | ||
| 86129squids |
DAMMIT man! One of these days... if you EVAAAR get to my environs, beer's on me, dude. I really don't know how you do it. Funnier than heyulll... and I thought I had a sense of humor. A campfire at TWoS sometime is where you really should be, with the rest of us idjits... you could be the village idiot of Suches GA. True. | ||
| Xbpete |
Look forward to the day, gotta get down to Ashville and Moscow Tenn with some of the bikes for fun,,,  | ||
| Xbpete |
Jim, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went under water to their heads. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Jim frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up Jim said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Some old men can still think fast. | ||
| Ducbsa |
The three ages of man: Tri weekly Try weekly Try weakly | ||
| Xbpete |
Amen  | ||
| Xbpete |
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| Xbpete |
Redneckery Level Master!  | ||
| 86129squids |
Sketch... and Eeeee!  | ||
| Xbpete |
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| 86129squids |
DAMMIT man! You are the IBM Watson of BW humor around here! THAT has to be one of your best finds. At this rate, forget about the beers... I'm gonna have to buy you a brewery.  | ||
| Xbpete |
LOL Brad... I have not had a drink since 1985, how about a good pulled pork sammich and sum Sweet Tea?  (Message edited by xbpete on April 25, 2022) | ||
| 86129squids |
Well... how about Jimmy Carter's peanuts, by a truckload, or the equivalent of Carter's Liver Pills for your sheer number of winning shiites/giggles given? Maybe one near-beer, heyull, I dunno. You are relentless. True story. I had a best buddy, one who's parents helped form my appreciation of all things 2-wheeled moto-cicle. His dad even had a Wes Cooley 1978 GS1000S, mom rode a Seca 550, which I almost crashed whilst riding it unsupervised, just off my TS 125. I had the ability to run jokes at him until he was laughing AND drooling uncontrollably. I am not as good as you at the meme thing, but, we MUST be on similar wavelengths for humor. I appreciate you, buddy! | ||
| Xbpete |
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| Two_seasons |
That truck is a 194x International Harvester KB-1 or KB-2. That truck was thirty years old when i took it on it's epic journey. I had one just like that (patina) and drove it from Washington state to Virginia in 1978 while in the U.S. Navy. In the bed was my 1975 Kawasaki Z1-B. Many times along the way, i'd have people pull up along side me, honk and shout their approval  . By the time i got to Virginia i could have tried out for American Idol  (no radio)! Good memories...  | ||
| Crusty |
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?” | ||
| Patches |
It's called zoophilia. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4fx7gE2pGg | ||
| 86129squids |
There's also latrinalia, which can lead to loghorrhea, sometimes good... usually bad. I've read some wisdom, some incredible thoughts writ large in these environs, but mostly not that good. Always good to take a leak to, especially at The Longbranch on Cumberland, back in the day. One could piss on little plastic boats and think about sinking them. Much better than the pisser hockey pucks, but those were always appreciated as well. |
