| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
Sent By an Anonymous UPS Driver 1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He's sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to. 2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new "Bernie Bro" hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him. 3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about "The Rona" on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve. 4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on "The Rona". She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen's kids are currently faking "The Rona" to avoid her. I'm delivering "Hello Kitchen" to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad. 5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I'm bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth. | ||
| Aesquire |
https://9gag.com/gag/a7wjYDw Australian Senator proving that ours are not unique in their brilliance. | ||
| Pwnzor |
LOL... I had seen her before, she's the female Hank Johnson! | ||
| Tootal |
Wow, I would consider her a joke too! | ||
| Pwnzor |
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| Tootal |
Makes you Georgia proud doesn't he!!  | ||
| Pwnzor |
He continually gets reelected. Georgia is a pretty big state, with less population than Los Angeles County. A. Lot. Of. The. People. Here. Are. Dumb. As. Rocks. | ||
| Hootowl |
Here’s a man who cannot summon the word ‘width’. He sounds about as knowledgeable as just about any other democrat on any given subject. You should listen to their gun control arguments. It would be funny, if they weren’t trying to subvert the constitution. | ||
| Sami |
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me. | ||
| Aesquire |
short quarantine fight video https://9gag.com/gag/aO7oQpD | ||
| Hootowl |
What did Einstein’s wife say when he finished his special theory of relativity? It’s about time. | ||
| Aesquire |
https://9gag.com/gag/azmLWnz | ||
| Aesquire |
https://9gag.com/gag/aD4wqxZ love fireworks! Darwin level | ||
| Ratbuell |
Due to the current upset situation caused by the Corona Virus in the economy, the Democrats have decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Democrats to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Democrats deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Democrats . Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Democrats has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Democrat Congressman or woman , who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - Due to recent budget cuts by Democrats as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. | ||
| Oldfartnbuell |
Oh My!! looks like I am in deep ****! | ||
| Hootowl |
A male crab met a female crab at a party. He knew it was love so he asked her to marry him. She had noticed that he walked straight and not sideways like all the others. Thinking he was definitely special, she agreed. The next day she sees him walking sideways and asked what happened. He says, Well I can’t drink like that every day. | ||
| Aesquire |
We have names for gatherings of animals. A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A flock of sheep. A complaint of karens. | ||
| Ducbsa |
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| Crusty |
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I just turned seventy-three). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, ether!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit? | ||
| Ducbsa |
I got fired from my job at the calendar printing factory because I took a couple of days off. | ||
| Pwnzor |
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| Hootowl |
Which is heavier? Butane or propane? Butane. It is the lighter fluid. | ||
| Hootowl |
I burned 3000 calories today. I fell asleep with a pan of brownies in the oven. | ||
| Hootowl |
Well, I screwed that up. The answer is propane. Butane is the lighter fluid. | ||
| Hootowl |
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up a family tree. A gynecologist looks up a bush. | ||
| Xbpete |
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| Ducbsa |
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver . "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said, "No problem. Be my guest!" Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!" | ||
| 86129squids |
Duc, I like the joke... allow me to fix it. Billy Graham was returning to Asheville after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home up in Black Mountain. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver." | ||
| Aesquire |
https://thedevilspanties.com/archives/14051 | ||
| Hootowl |
I should do that with my junk mail and the community newspaper they won’t stop littering my driveway with. |
