| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
Little Johnny on salesmanship The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher. Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467,” he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Bernie Sanders method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth." | ||
| Torquehd |
Q: What happens when AOC eats ice cream too fast? A: Nothing. | ||
| Sifo |
The story of the Italian cow. The only cow in a very small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town elders heard that they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply! So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side. The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes "My wife is from Sicily." | ||
| Bandm |
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| Slaughter |
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| Pwnzor |
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." | ||
| Hootowl |
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/democratic-social ists-convention-erupts-due-to-sensory-overload-gen dered-pronoun-usage This might be the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. | ||
| Torquehd |
from the above artice The Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) I've got another acronym for D-S-A. | ||
| Pwnzor |
Hoot, those video clips are among the funniest things I've seen in quite a while. | ||
| Ratbuell |
The sad part is, this is what we're breeding into our children now. "Um...you're talking too loudly and it's offending my noise sensitivity...can you please stop...?" Sheesh. | ||
| Hootowl |
It also triggers my anxiety. Everyone accommodate me! But, let’s face it, these are wannabe communists. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed. | ||
| Ratbuell |
Remind me again why they don't all just move to Venezuela? Communism is already in place down there, they won't have to "fight" at all! Well... Unless they want food. Or electricity. Or fresh water. Or cell service. | ||
| Ourdee |
Bob was in a lot of trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was NOT HAPPY, and started to give him the business. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. BOB HAS BEEN MISSING SINCE FRIDAY... | ||
| 86129squids |
RD, good God thanks for that. Seems too many people are losing their sense of humor. Jokes. NO, it's not R or D. Humor. We are all born with a funnybone. It hurts a bit when you hit it, but it helps clarify what you're looking at. Lighten up, Francis! It's one thing to laugh at others. It's another thing, all together... to laugh with each and one another. Nuf said. Why didn't the lifeguard go save the hippie out in the ocean? | ||
| Ducbsa |
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| Ourdee |
Why didn't the lifeguard go save the hippie out in the ocean? He was too far out man. | ||
| Hootowl |
What happens when you boil a funny bone? It becomes a laughing stock. | ||
| 86129squids |
    OMG, that made my day. Got a best buddy who's got two very young kids, he's accumulating dad jokes. Once they understand cooking, which will be later. | ||
| Hootowl |
It was humerus, wasn’t it? | ||
| 86129squids |
Yeppers, it was. You're a pretty fart smeller. | ||
| Pwnzor |
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his Father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for that and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair. Dad replied... "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?" | ||
| 86129squids |
LOL!!! That one goes to my chaplain sis!! | ||
| Hootowl |
Speaking into a colander will result in a strained voice. | ||
| Pwnzor |
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| Sifo |
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen." | ||
| Hootowl |
A ghost walks into a bar and says “I’m just here for the boos”. | ||
| Hootowl |
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 30 minute walk back. The difference is staggering. | ||
| Pwnzor |
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| Bandm |
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle . His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job . There’s no way we can afford it.” The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Johnny told him , “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out . Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too . And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no f*&kin’ bike.” | ||
| Mikethebike72 |
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..." |
