| Author | Message | ||
     Hootowl |
What is the body temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm. | ||
| Crusty |
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| Froggy |
Smoking will kill you ... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it. | ||
| Ducbsa |
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| Sifo |
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk. "So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered, "another Democrat, He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God." | ||
| Ducbsa |
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| Sifo |
Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read “You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks” Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: “1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your frikkin elbow won’t get better! “Thank you for shopping at Walmart” | ||
| Ducbsa |
https://biggeekdad.com/2019/01/geek-or-nerd/ | ||
| Sifo |
Wilderness tip... If you ever find yourself being attacked by a bear, be sure to spray it right in the face with pepper spray. You are going to die, and the pepper spray will only piss the bear off, but at least a pissed off bear will kill you quickly. | ||
| Ducbsa |
Midday, in the heat of a little town in the Old Wild West. A tall cowboy rides in on a big black horse. He wears a big black Stetson, silver spurs, carries two big black revolvers ------- the whole deal. He stops outside the saloon, swings down off his horse and hitches it to the rail. He then goes to the back of the mighty stallion, lifts its tail, plunges two fingers up its arse then draws them resolutely across his mouth. A boy sitting on the dusty sidewalk watches this and says; "Say, mister, why'd yuh do that there with thu horse?" "Well, son, ah got chapped lips." "Does that cure them?" asks the boy. "Nope, but it shore stops me lickin' 'em!" | ||
| Crusty |
OK; this isn't new. Court posted this a few years ago and it really made me chuckle. Today, I came across it and I think it's time to share it again.  | ||
| Pwnzor |
Wow, there's a lot going on in that news article | ||
| Ourdee |
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| Froggy |
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| Crusty |
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| 86129squids |
Good God!! I believe I'd have used a flamethrower/gun/water cannon/giant encyclopedia book or sumthin'... good call on the helmet! | ||
| Crusty |
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?" | ||
| Bandm |
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." "He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What’s your occupation?" "I'm a Lady of the night," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let’s try to rephrase that." "The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." "They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is." | ||
| Ducbsa |
Japanese Sex A Japanese couple is arguing about how they will have sex. Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!" The wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!" The husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!" The wife is on her knees, literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!" The husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!" I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this! You don't know Japanese! You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.... Sometimes I worry about you. You're in need of serious help! | ||
| Tootal |
And here I thought it was going to be a menu item! | ||
| Sifo |
Recently there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 150 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When they sat down one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the blonde waitress over ready to dazzle her with their solution "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.” But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: " Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table. Kind of reminds you of the past 50 years in Washington D.C., doesn't it? | ||
| Pwnzor |
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and have sex with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "he works for Nancy Pelosi, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." | ||
| Ourdee |
I'm borrowing that. | ||
| Ducbsa |
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| Sifo |
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| Ducbsa |
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| Pwnzor |
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| Sifo |
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| Crusty |
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| Ducbsa |
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, with the baby still not feeding and the woman repeating her threat once more, the anxious man suddenly blurts out, Come on kid. Make up your mind ,I was supposed to get off four stops ago. |
