| Author | Message | ||
     Slaughter |
While over in England a guy was at a local pub and was listing to these two rather large women talking with a curious accent. He approached them and inquired “Are you two ladies from Scotland”? Both snapped back harshly “Wales you wanker!” The man taken aback apologized and inquired again. “Are you two whales from Scotland?” He couldn’t remember much after that. | ||
| Froggy |
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. | ||
| Crusty |
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" | ||
| Midknyte |
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMRp6KL7xig | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.breitbart.com/big-government/2018/03/17 /police-woman-with-white-powder-in-nose-ordered-sa ndwich-from-jail-security-booth/ | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.breitbart.com/california/2018/03/17/wom an-claimed-saw-bigfoot-sues-state-california/ It's a wild time when the best jokes are the news. I want to see the video! | ||
| Hootowl |
Pot is legal there, right? | ||
| Airbozo |
"Pot is legal there, right?" So is spray paint. One of them makes you hallucinate. | ||
| Ebutch |
Paint can & does make you high.Try painting in a unvented room.  | ||
| Aesquire |
https://9gag.com/gag/ajE5Pz8 I haven't figured out video yet, I suppose. | ||
| Ebutch |
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| Sifo |
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since. | ||
| 86129squids |
Tom, thank you! That will be forwarded to my chaplain sister. Happy Easter to you and Mary. | ||
| Bandm |
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY 1. STORMY DANIELS 2 O. J. SIMPSON 3 TED KENNEDY 4 BILL CLINTON WHY ? YOU ASK 1 STORMY IS A HOOKER 2 O. J. IS A SLICER 3 TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER 4 BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST | ||
| Bandm |
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence & distance. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night. | ||
| 86129squids |
Extra Bonus LOL!!! Thanks man, just sent that to my chaplain Sis!!! That's right up her alley, and she LOVES good jokes. She has an arsenal of them in her noggin, very useful in her line of work.  | ||
| Bandm |
The Frog and the little Irish boy A little 12 year old Irish boy is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him and walks up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. The Madam answered the door, she saw the little boy and said What do you want little boy? He said, I want to have sex with one of your women, I have the money to pay for it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam thought and thought then figured why not! So she told him to come on in and once he was in she told him that he could have the pick of any of the girls and to choose the one that he liked. He asked, Do any of the girls have any diseases? Of course the Madam said No!. The boy said, I've heard stories about Amber and all the men were talking about having to get shots after making love with her. THAT'S the girl I want. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for her, the Madam said Go to the first room on the right. He walked down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him and ten minutes later he came back out of the room still dragging the frog behind him! Then paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease and not one of the others? He said, Well, if you really must know, "When I get home tonight my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and they will be leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. Soon after they leave, my baby-sitter will make me have sex with her because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back; Dad will take the babysitter home and on the way he'll be taking liberties with her in the car. Then he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from taking the babysitter home, he and Mom will go to bed, have sex, and Mom will catch the disease." In the morning when Dad goes to work; the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with my Mom and also catch the disease. "HE'S the one I'm after, that bastard ran over my "PET FROG" | ||
| Bandm |
A wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss,then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife."I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband,"but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany ,no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht clubs.But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. | ||
| Crusty |
In honor of Sinko the Mayo:    | ||
| Crusty |
A pharmaceutical truck full of viagra was stolen today. Police are asking the public to be on the look out for a group of hardened criminals. | ||
| Crusty |
One more:  | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. | ||
| Aesquire |
https://9gag.com/gag/adKOrXj?ref=fsidebar Rustic weave toilet tissue. | ||
| Ducbsa |
My last ride....... While riding my Moto, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and anded in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiney new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that! "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Bike I guess." | ||
| Sifo |
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| Aesquire |
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deck hand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS guy. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat owner. "Well, there's Clarence, my Deck Hand. I pay him $1000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day, and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally" IRS guy. "That's the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one." Boat owner. "That would be me. What would you like to know?" | ||
| Midknyte |
The legend lives on https://youtu.be/RLd6174bz2k | ||
| Aesquire |
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| Griffmeister |
Smooth tape is the sign of a fine craftsman. |
