| Author | Message | ||
     Tootal |
Ouch!! I love it! | ||
| Crusty |
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" | ||
| Tootal |
 | ||
| Sifo |
Los Angeles reportedly doesn’t have enough Spanish-speaking judges to adjudicate the cases involving illegal aliens. The language barrier merely adds to the cultural confusion. Yesterday, two Mexican guys showed up in L.A. court for their deportation hearing, and the judge married them. | ||
| Sifo |
Three old buddies commiserate the day after getting together for the first time in many years to do a post mortem on the previous evenings bender. The first guy says, “I can’t believe what I did when I got home last night. I was so drunk that I blew chunks.” The second guy says, “That’s nothing. When I got home last night, I was so drunk that I drove the car through the back of the garage and down into the back yard. My wife was so mad that she told me that this is the final straw and that she’s going to divorce me.” The third guy, looking really worried said, “Those are minor problems. On the drive home last night, I ran the Chief of Police off the road and into a ditch. He’s in the hospital in serious condition. My lawyer told me that I’m not only going to lose my license, but I’ll probably have to due time in prison, and my wife has already left.” The first guy said, “You guys don’t understand. Chunks is my dog.” | ||
| Tootal |
What's the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chickpea? | ||
| Crusty |
OK; Whatis the difference? | ||
| Tootal |
I've never paid to have a Garbanzo bean in my face!  | ||
| Crusty |
Never trust atoms..... They make up everything. | ||
| 86129squids |
So, your old Uncle Jack rides in on his horse, long over the mountain... he's kinda stoved up and can't quite get out of the saddle, stirrups hanging on his boots to boot. Would you help your Uncle Jack off the horse? | ||
| Sifo |
Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks. | ||
| Midknyte |
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve1dVX0hFkg | ||
| Crusty |
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. | ||
| Ducbsa |
Bob walked into a bar around 5:58 PM. He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the TV. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money. | ||
| Slaughter |
So the wife says, "you weren't even listening were you?" So I think to myself, "That's a weird way to start a conversation." | ||
| Ourdee |
doh | ||
| 1313 |
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.” | ||
| Sifo |
Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot. “What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle. “The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena. “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” “Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.” | ||
| Sifo |
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last month, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.” I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?” "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I was paroled." | ||
| 86129squids |
Sounds like Martha Stewart's gig... | ||
| Ratbuell |
And people wonder why illegals choose prison over deportation. Oh...and WE're the ones who pay for their stay at Club Pen... | ||
| Aesquire |
What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?” Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?” And thus began Frank's life of celibacy... | ||
| Sifo |
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ...I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!" | ||
| Sifo |
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Watson, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a young woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t do it again because I ended up in the hospital last time. But, I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet. The way that it works is, you fill your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant, and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. You better watch what you ask retired people. | ||
| Crusty |
Would you call a baby trash can a Dumpling? | ||
| Bandm |
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in, only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well… Only two left." | ||
| Aesquire |
Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter. | ||
| Froggy |
Why did the slave go to college? To get his master's degree. | ||
| Sifo |
That's racist!  | ||
| Hootowl |
Your mother is so fat she tried on a pair of Guess jeans and the answer popped out. |
