| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
It's being reported that Aaron Hernandez will be out for an indefinite period of time, due to a neck injury. | ||
| Hootowl |
So, about a year ago, I had this conversation with my United flight attendant neighbor. Seems an appropriate time to post it.  | ||
| 1313 |
An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop. He went to him & said, “Look at this engine… I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. So why do I get such a small salary? and you get huge sums???” Classic reply by Doctor: The doctor smiled at the engineer, came close to his ear and said, “Try the same when the engine is running.” The story doesn’t end here. The engineer smiled back, came close to doctor’s ear and said, “I can pick any dead engine and make it alive… But can you ???” | ||
| Hootowl |
Actually...they stop your heart during open heart surgery. Can't have it flopping around whilst they're trying to replace arteries and whatnot. | ||
| Crusty |
They don't stop your heart completely. They lower the temperature of the blood and use potassium to slow it down to about 1 beat per minute. The procedure was explained to me in detail before they replaced my Aortic valve. | ||
| Hootowl |
Interesting. Everything I've ever read about it says they stop it completely and cool via heart-lung machine or cold saline directly on the heart so as to avoid damage when they cut off the blood supply. But then, I've never been briefed by the doc actually doing the work before it was done to me, so I'll take your word for it.  | ||
| Sifo |
Back in the '70s when my dad had heart surgery at the VA hospital, the explained it to me. They did stop the heart and kept blood flowing with a machine. They chilled the body by dumping ice into the chest cavity. I imagine things may have changed since then. | ||
| Griffmeister |
Yeah, back in the 70's they used stone tools and had a sacrificial altar in the corner of the OR. | ||
| Aesquire |
Eye surgeons still use obsidian scalpels. Sharper and smaller edges than steel. Can't speak to altars. I thought it was an autoclave.  They did the "lower the body temperature" thing on me for knee replacement surgery. Less bleeding etc. Didn't intentionally stop the heart, just slowed it some. | ||
| 2003xb9r |
Actually, both Hootowl & Crusty are correct. Some heart surgeons stop the heart, some don't. When I had my open heart surgery 18 months ago, my surgeon preferred not to stop my heart. Others on the surgery team prefer to stop the heart. A lot comes down to personal preference of the surgeon from what I was told. Mine was a triple by-pass. | ||
| Aesquire |
Ah!, The Organ Recital. The ritual of our times. ( or level of broken-ness.... ) | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.theonion.com/article/berkeley-campus-lo ckdown-after-loose-pages-wall-st-55815 | ||
| Crusty |
Well; I guess that an "All New" NOT rude joke. Or somethin'. | ||
| Bandm |
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where 1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees. 6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought. OR You can retire to New York City where... 1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. | ||
| Aesquire |
http://frank151.com/each-state-perfectly-described -by-one-photograph/ Not all gems... but funny. | ||
| Hootowl |
Re the onion article: If you had pasted the text with no reference, I would have half thought it was real. | ||
| Sifo |
Leave a WSJ laying around on campus and you just might see it for real. | ||
| Sifo |
UNDERSTANDING DIRECTIONS Sometimes Seniors don't Understand Directions. I assume some of us are Seniors.... This is why you (a Senior?) should listen to your Doctors instructions. I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!" I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!" I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore! | ||
| Bandm |
Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.” | ||
| Bandm |
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his macBook Air computer, connected it to his iphone, and surfed to a NASApage on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opened the digital photo in iPhoto and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he received an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized Canon LaserJet printer, turned to the cowboy and said, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," said Bud. He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud said to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thought about it for a second and then said, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Member of US Congress", said Bud. "Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .. Now give me back my dog." | ||
| Bandm |
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it. She turned to the First Officer and asked, “Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fvcking advice, he'll ask me." | ||
| Alfau |
Beware :- this clip contains Glaswegian brogue and facts beyond dispute. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz69-RkE4PA | ||
| Ducbsa |
http://www.duffelblog.com/2017/03/riot-at-fort-hoo d-dining-facility-after-menu-promises-chocolate-mi lf/ | ||
| Aesquire |
https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2017/05/19/righ t-round | ||
| Sifo |
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have? He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother." MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words... and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers. | ||
| Aesquire |
http://legalinsurrection.com/2017/06/sen-jeanne-sh aheen-descendant-of-pocahontas-would-be-sensitive- topic-to-tell-liz-warren/ | ||
| Bandm |
Today's modern Navy!! NAVY Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?" At this point, a Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired... "How much for a season pass?" | ||
| Sifo |
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................ A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware." | ||
| Hootowl |
I had okra in a honey wine reduction for dinner this evening. It was meady okra, at best. | ||
| Bandm |
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle, where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them, was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats , "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." |
