| Author | Message | ||
     Midknyte |
https://fat.gfycat.com/EnlightenedConfusedIridesce ntshark.mp4 | ||
| Alfau |
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look .... . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him .... He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer .... and then ..... He tripped and fell. Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ......... reaching towards him with its left paw ..... and raising the right paw to strike ... At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped ... The bear froze ...... The forest was silent .... A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky ... "You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident ........ Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" "Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light .... "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" ... a pause ... "Very well," said the voice ... The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed .... the bear dropped his right arm ... brought both paws together ... bowed his head & spoke... "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive. Amen." | ||
| Pwnzor |
OK... that was pretty good. | ||
| 86129squids |
 Thanks, just sent that to my chaplain Sis! | ||
| Midknyte |
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| Sifo |
OK, I'll just post this in the "joke" thread....  | ||
| Hootowl |
Lots of people trailer their bikes to rallies. The reverse is seldom true. | ||
| 86129squids |
That's gotta be one of the weirdest things I've seen since PuppyMonkeyBaby.  | ||
| Sifo |
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| Mr_grumpy |
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise; Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Linda paused- responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." | ||
| Sifo |
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| 86129squids |
W.T.F...  Hey, any serious ass flautist, like myself, can make music naturally- just pull my finger, ok? | ||
| Sifo |
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| Pwnzor |
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| Hootowl |
Sorry, the golden ratio does not apply to Trump. He is most definitely not pleasing to the eye. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Torquehd |
this is so stupid it's funny | ||
| Blake |
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| Ducbsa |
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” | ||
| Alfau |
Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant. Keith: - No way - he's a stockbroker.. Ken: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Ken: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Ken: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Ken: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Ken: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden. Ken - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Ken: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Ken: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Ken:- Yep! Five or six nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Ken: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Ken: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Ken: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate. Keith: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Ken - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Keith: - What's that then? Ken: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Keith: - Nope. Ken: - Well then, you're a wanker. | ||
| Brother_in_buells |
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| Sifo |
One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn. He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results. "Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news." "What's the bad news?" "The urine belongs to the First Lady." "What could possibly be worse than that?" "The handwriting belongs to the The Vice President." | ||
| Aesquire |
I think you got the punchline backwards. | ||
| Sifo |
It was a C&P job, so it's exactly as I found it. I'll leave it with the reader to figure out the details of how it all works. Isn't that called "art"? | ||
| Henshao |
That Vice President must be Dale Earnhardt Sr... | ||
| Crusty |
Q) What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A) The Hippo weighs a couple of tons; the Zippo is a little lighter. | ||
| Torquehd |
Good one Crusty! | ||
| Ducbsa |
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. 2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40. 4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies: “ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?” 5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00. ) 6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. ) 7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 8. I woke up this morning at 9:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast all day. 9. My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!” 10. Bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.) | ||
| Midknyte |
Can't copy this text and too lazy to retype, so here...  | ||
| Torquehd |
My company hired an Asian man to manage logistics, figuring he'd be good with numbers. "You'll manage the company's supplies", the supervisor told him. "Supplies, yes, I love supplies!", he said. After a couple weeks, no employees were getting any equipment from the logistics cell. The manager went down to the supply room to see what was going on, but he found the room empty. Suddenly out jumped the Asian man, yelling, "Suplise!" NO i'm not racist against Asians, I speak Chinese for Peet's sake. But racial diversity is fun and adds flavor to life. Make fun of me for being a southern white male, I don't care. In fact I'll have a good laugh about it. |
