| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
I have no idea...  | ||
| 86129squids |
For those with the humor bone intact, and with a mind for KEEPING ON TOPIC. Or tapioca. | ||
| 86129squids |
OK: Blake, how many times do I have to look at a monkey's dick to experience a little humor?! Actually I appreciated it the first time... but now it's a little old and not too turgid. Oh, NSFW!!!!!!!!!!!! | ||
| 86129squids |
Where's Eric, and what frivolity are the Elves up to? Just funnin', K? | ||
| Crusty |
Following this article, read the comments posted by readers – they are as funny as the story. Stolen weapon found during search at Tennessee jail. Loaded Gun hidden in suspect’s Vagina. APRIL 22 – A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report. As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search. The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver" (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,” according to a Kingsport Police Department report. A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver (which is four inches in length) had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman. In a TSG interview Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach and ammonia! News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News. Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility. According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond. AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES 1. ​I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched! 2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger". 3. Happiness is a warm gun? 4. At four inches in length it comes off as halfcocked. 5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box." 6. The report reads, "Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility? 7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'? 8. Remember: Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction. 9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy. 10. You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking . . . 11. An accident waiting to happen . . . could 'shoot the beaver'. 12. I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning... 13. Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" 14. I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'? 15. Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge". 16. Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'? 17. A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush? 18. Figures . . . it uses 'rim shot' ammo. 19. This supports the “Big Bang” theory. 20. She was packing a loaded vagina | ||
| 86129squids |
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| Sifo |
I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room And told me to get undressed and have a seat Until the doctor could see me . She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand Next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove And a beer . When the doctor finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I’m a little confused This is my first exam .. I know what the K-Y is for And I know what the glove is for, But can you tell me what the BEER is for? At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . . Darn it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT “ | ||
| Alfau |
She was guided by the lasting impression.  | ||
| Alfau |
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a long, ungodly, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts'. | ||
| Alfau |
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Sairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. regards, Paul | ||
| Alfau |
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low. | ||
| Alfau |
Paddy goes into IKEA and says to the assistant "I want some of the suppository furniture" The assistant says "I've never heard of suppository furniture" Paddy says "It's the stuff you put up yourself!" | ||
| Alfau |
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.” “That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?” “Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis. That's why I came here in the first place.” | ||
| Sifo |
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' | ||
| Sifo |
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.' | ||
| Sifo |
Paddy was in New York .. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' | ||
| Sifo |
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' | ||
| Sifo |
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' | ||
| Sifo |
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.' | ||
| Sifo |
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. | ||
| Midknyte |
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| 86129squids |
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| Alfau |
Doctor asks the pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "She replied, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?" (Message edited by alfau on January 28, 2016) | ||
| Alfau |
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at the portrait that had them completely confused The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery', asked the couple? 'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.' | ||
| Midknyte |
Man purchases Harley-Davidson motorcycle to avoid waving to other riders... http://www.revzilla.com/common-tread/man-purchases -harley-davidson-motorcycle?utm_term=man-purchases -harley-davidson-motorcycle | ||
| Alfau |
American jokes suck! | ||
| Torquehd |
Alright Alf, this one's for you, mate... Where do kangaroos like to eat breakfast? At I-HOP!!!!! | ||
| Alfau |
that was about as funny as a skid mark in your under pants | ||
| Torquehd |
A skid mark down under? I knew there was something sheisty going on down there. | ||
| Crusty |
A Termite walks into a Pub and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" |
