| Author | Message | |||
     Alfau |
 Welcome to Australia Crustie! (Message edited by alfau on November 21, 2015) | |||
| Aesquire |
http://www.avclub.com/article/nothing-can-sate-luk es-bloodlust-supercut-all-skyw-228451 | |||
| Alfau |
Patrick, the Aussie homosexual, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, 'Patrick, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Patrick is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?' Doc says 'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box Of All Bran, And top it off with a litre of prune juice..' Patrick asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.' | |||
| Aesquire |
http://acidsquirrel.com/post/86304 | |||
| Alfau |
What a dork! Patick! You have more pull than a 40 year old living at home with his mother. | |||
| 86129squids |
"Patick!" You're dumber than you look. | |||
| 86129squids |
Aside from our anthromorphicism of the monkeys, who don't know junk like we do... That was a cute/sweet photo. I have a Jack Russell/Chihuahua mix, who regularly loves his "woman", a completely destroyed dog bed, long since ruined and left outside. He prefers it inside, knows when it's gonna rain. His dingus is bigger. | |||
| Midknyte |
NSFW https://youtu.be/D6aqnSMbZ5E | |||
| 86129squids |
Mid, that was AWESOME. | |||
| Froggy |
Despite all the bad thing happening in the world, Charlie Sheen remains positive | |||
| Midknyte |
Disturbing new statistic though - one out of ever two and a half men has aids... | |||
| Crusty |
9 out of 10 doctors agree that hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass; but 9 out of 10 constipated people just couldn't give a sh*t. | |||
| Alfau |
Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was lying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold. Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to keep it warm? "Put it between your legs, it ought to be nice and warm there. "Anne says, "But what about the smell?" "Just hold his little nose." Dave is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. | |||
| Sifo |
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| Midknyte |
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicks it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's' | |||
| Aesquire |
http://acidsquirrel.com/post/86867 | |||
| Alfau |
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| Midknyte |
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| Crusty |
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| Sifo |
I think he's referring to the cocknballs. | |||
| Crusty |
Pretty short willy.  | |||
| Sifo |
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, Well, how'd ya do? First Place , said Snow White. As they walk, they come across a sign: Contest for the strongest man in the world. I’m entering said Superman. After half an hour he comes out and they ask him, Well, how'd ya do? First Place, said Superman. They continue walking when they see a sign: Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world? Pinocchio says this is mine.Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. What happened? they asked. Who the hell is Hillary? asked Pinocchio. | |||
| Ducbsa |
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| Sifo |
Three men were sitting in a pub bragging to each other how they had set their new wives straight on their married duties. The first man had married a woman from Sweden, and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes, laundry, and house cleaning that needed doing in their new house. He said it took a couple of days of not seeing much done, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, laundry done, and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had told his wife that she was to do all the dishes, laundry, house cleaning, and cooking. He told them on the first day he didn't see any results, the next day was a little better, and on the third day all was done and he had a hot meal on the table waiting for him. The third man married a Irish woman. He bragged that he had told his wife that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the laundry washed and ironed, the lawn mowed, the car washed, three hot meals a every day, and when he was coming home from work to have a pint waiting for him when he walked in the door. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye! | |||
| Sifo |
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| Mr_grumpy |
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| Mr_grumpy |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you?d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was close to death from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse watered and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to cool down and feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, no worries Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" "Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!" | |||
| Uncle |
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car was she driving? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. . . . . Sergeant: Don't worry, buddy. We'll find your truck. | |||
| Alfau |
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| Midknyte |
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