| Author | Message | ||
     Ducbsa |
A recently discovered document captured during the raid on Bin Laden's compound shows: Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound. and never left the house for 5 years. It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself. | ||
| Just_ziptab |
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.” | ||
| Sifo |
I've got some experimenting to do before July 4th! | ||
| Reepicheep |
So cool! | ||
| Crusty |
My Travel Plans for 2015 I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. | ||
| Crusty |
Three Golfers Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?” “Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.” Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?” The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.” | ||
| Sifo |
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| Big_island_rider |
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid, I was petrified. | ||
| Sifo |
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?" Bubba: "Now what the hell do you think?" | ||
| Sifo |
Critical Thinking At Its Best! Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where's your Ferrari? | ||
| Sifo |
Interviewer (to audience): - “Good evening lady’s and Gentleman tonight I’m speaking to the legendary air ace Douglas (Tin legs) Bader, of the No. 19 Squadron based at RAF Duxford near Cambridge, during the Battle of Britain in 1940.” Interviewer (to the Wing Commander): “Good evening Wing Commander Bader.” Wing commander: - “Good evening “ Interviewer: - “Could you tell us something about a typical flight mission as you would have experienced it in 1940 during the battle of Britain?” Wing commander: - “Well it’s a difficult experience to describe but I’ll give you an example, one time I was alone on patrol, and was directed toward an enemy aircraft flying north up the Nolfolk coast. I Spotting the aircraft at 600 yards through the mist, I recognized it as a Dornier Do 17. As I closed on the Dornier, three Fockers came out of the mist and attacked me." Interviewer (to the audience):-"Just to clarify for our radio audience Fockers were a type of fighter plane that the Germans used during world war two, actually called Focke-Wulf’s they were generally referred to as Fockers by British pilots." Wing commander: - "Yes! Thank you for clarifying but these Fockers were flying Messerschmitt’s!" | ||
| 46champ |
Read the comment section believe me they are mostly not about dish washers. http://dishwashers.reviewed.com/news/scientists-co nclude-we-dont-load-dishwashers-correctly?utm_sour ce=TB_paid&utm_medium=cpc | ||
| Hootowl |
Well, that clinches it. My next dishwasher will be of the atom smashing variety. | ||
| Ducbsa |
Do What is Right! Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown. Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept. It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and not one of the authorities has yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps. | ||
| Torquehd |
How to catch a polar bear. On a frozen lake, drill a large hole in the ice. Place a pea next to the hole. When the polarbear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole. | ||
| Aesquire |
Quiz... North Korean Slogan or TED talk sound bite? http://www.motherjones.com/media/2015/02/quiz-nort h-korean-slogan-ted-talk | ||
| Crusty |
"Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms" Yeah! Keep them (the people) in the dark and feed them shit! | ||
| Patches |
They are Crusty, They call them "Sheeple". | ||
| Big_island_rider |
What is Irish and stays out all night? Patio furniture. | ||
| Crusty |
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Patrick FitzGerald and Gerald FitzPatrick. | ||
| Ducbsa |
Two policemen call the Cop Shop on their car radio. "Hello. Is that the Sarge?" "Yes?" "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean." "Have you arrested the woman?" "No sir. The floor is still wet.” | ||
| Crusty |
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cores, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit." | ||
| Crusty |
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics- no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again. Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends. Everybody loved it. | ||
| Crusty |
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into. | ||
| Big_island_rider |
A lot of women turn into good motorcycle riders. If you're a good motorcycle rider, watch out for women who are turning. | ||
| Patches |
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| Midknyte |
Hold my vodka while I... Russian man gets sucked into a snowmobile! His friends help ..after laug...: https://youtu.be/2_pfYZotC84 Spoiler - he's ok | ||
| Hootowl |
I stopped breathing. | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Holy crap Hoot, that is TOO funny! | ||
| Bluzm2 |
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Bluebird’s cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into he forest. Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellowbird wouldn’t die! Why ??? OH, come on... Take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!! |
