| Author | Message | ||
     Midknyte |
http://www.amazon.com/Wenger-16999-Swiss-Knife-Gia nt/dp/B001DZTJRQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1407524672 | ||
| Bandm |
Don't let Froggy see this. http://www.amazon.com/ThinkGeek-Canned-Unicorn-Mea t/dp/B004CRYE2C/ref=pd_sim_sbs_hi_5?ie=UTF8&refRID =053EXXN7G8EWGPHKRVNZ | ||
| Sifo |
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| Midknyte |
http://io9.com/chris-tucker-voices-all-stormtroope rs-in-next-star-wars-1621837799 | ||
| Sifo |
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: · My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." · My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." · My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." · "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the ••••••• had a paper route!" | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
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| Midknyte |
http://boingboing.net/2014/08/22/little-honda-by-t he-hondells.html | ||
| Chauly |
I was waiting in line at the Daytona H-D demo area a few years back. The PA had oldies playing, and this song came on. It was funny to see these tough, grizzled biker dudes start to tap their feet and move to the music, then snap to and look around to see if anyone caught them groovin' to "Little Honda"...  | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with humor, “ No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???” | ||
| Hootowl |
Nice. I had the brains to terminate my zipline near the ground, so I'd simply slide in. My starting point was MUCH higher off the ground too. That first jump was a leap of faith. | ||
| Sifo |
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. "I think not," Descartes says. And then he disappears. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What is a physicist's favorite food? Fission chips. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi? There, their, they're. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A photon checks into a motel and the bellhop asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What do you get when you put root beer into a square glass? Beer. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What's another name for Santa's Elves? Subordinate clauses. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Knock Knock. Who's there? To. To who? No, to whom. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "Name two pronouns." I said, "Who, me?" | ||
| Just_ziptab |
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!" | ||
| Alfau |
Kiwis are different. http://www.trademe.co.nz/motors/motorbikes/motorbi kes/dirt-bikes/auction-776102440.htm | ||
| Midknyte |
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| Sifo |
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| Strokizator |
The "Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix". Wish this video had been available when I was younger, then I wouldn't have had to find this out for myself. You younger guys could benefit from watching this. http://tinyurl.com/k4vwdw6 | ||
| Alfau |
Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w.a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e...n..t t..o a d..o..c..t.o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l...l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h...a..t w..h..e..n w..e a...r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d d...o t..h..a..t f..o...r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h...e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t...h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l...o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s N..u..t..s" | ||
| Sifo |
 Caption suggestions??? | ||
| Griffmeister |
Puts a new twist on the term "an ass for every seat". | ||
| Crusty |
I'd say that he's making less than one horsepower. | ||
| Daddio |
"Does this ass make MY bike look big?" | ||
| Crusty |
SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. Poor Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike. Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick B------d!! Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?" EASYJET Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane." | ||
| Sifo |
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Dallas, and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!” Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ‘em back to Tulsa, sell ‘em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk in a slow Texas drawl so’s they don’t know we is from Oklahoma.” They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and…” The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Oklahoma, ain’t ya?” “Well… yeah,” says a surprised Bubba… “How come you knowed that?” “Because this is a dry-cleaners…” | ||
| Sifo |
St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life." The guy replies: "What about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off." St. Peter: "You really did that? When did this happen?" The guy: "About 5 minutes ago" | ||
| Aesquire |
Subject: LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF NAVAL HISTORY...(explains how they're all so loyal to their service branch) The U. S. S.. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war ships, and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home. The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water. GO NAVY! | ||
| Alfau |
Drunken Russians shot a plane down recently, What a bunch of drunken assholes. | ||
| Crusty |
"For a Clown fish, he's not very funny." "Pity." | ||
| Aesquire |
Grandma's Invitation (Priceless) Dear Family, I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. NOT 2:15 NOT 2:05. Two 2:00 Arrive late and you get what's left over. Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup. Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce. Now, the house rules are slightly different. This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with. House Rules: 1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal. 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills. 3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery. 4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it. 5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know. 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space. 7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car. 8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me. 9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things. 10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you? 11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult. 12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids 13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above. Love You, Grandma. |
