| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
Now THIS is deer hunting! | ||
| Alfau |
Top Four Adult Jokes Fourth Place : A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' ------------- Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' ------------- Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.' -------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.' | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/the-shortest-and -most-accurate-history-of-the-world-youll-ev | ||
| Sifo |
Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.” Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?” Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?” Understanding Engineers #6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?” Understanding Engineers #7 Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers #8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.” And Finally Two repairmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away. One repairman shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!” Both men have since been removed from their repair jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of goat. Within a few weeks the goat, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Okie Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Okie Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female goat. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the goat–for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her,” and “Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.” The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? “Well,” said Mike, “You’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.” | ||
| Crusty |
I was sitting in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor." "Yes?" "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "And I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?" "Sure." I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. "Hi, Ray," he said... I replied, "•••• off, Gates, I'm in a meeting." | ||
| Crusty |
An elderly Italian man was on his death-bed in his home. He had led a good life and was happy, but now he knew that he had only hours to live. He was woken from a deep sleep by a wonderful smell that brought him back to his boyhood, the smell of pizzelle cooking. He had to have one. He managed to get himself out of the bed, held onto furniture and the wall as he made his way to the bedroom door, then out into the hallway. The smell was incredible. He made his way carefully down the stairs, and to the kitchen. There on the kitchen table was a pile of pizzelle, still warm, and the smell was wonderful. As he reached to pick one up, his hand was smacked with a big wooden spoon. He looked up, and it was his wife, who said: “Don’t touch those, they’re for the funeral! | ||
| Crusty |
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper that says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!!! | ||
| Crusty |
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy said, "Yes, she did”. "Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you." | ||
| Froggy |
Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison. The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time." The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down." The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two. "Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, and play tennis with these." | ||
| Griffmeister |
Froggy, "37". You've got to know how to tell it. | ||
| Al_lighton |
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.' | ||
| Griffmeister |
Haven't heard this in a while: | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sparky |
Surprise, surprise, surprise! | ||
| Crusty |
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and flops down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life.” "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed." So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee ... and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior ... 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the Goddam putt, didn't you?" | ||
| Aesquire |
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| Aesquire |
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/good-to-share/1068 4400/What-your-language-sounds-like-to-foreigners. html | ||
| Hootowl |
That's a talented woman. | ||
| Bolthead |
What American English sounds like to foreigners: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz04IBZqfFE I don't know Italian, so I'm curious what the woman is asking at the beginning of the vid.  | ||
| Hootowl |
That song made more sense than some of the crap on the radio today. | ||
| Fahren |
Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman says, "Beers for all 3 of you?" The first logician says, "I'm not sure." The second says, "I'm not sure." The third says, "YES!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
An Englishman a Scotsman & an Irishman walk into a bar & the Barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" | ||
| Fahren |
Happy St. Patrick's Day, all. Why does an Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure. | ||
| 1313 |
When I was young(er), I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letter: PNEIS, and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest of us are on BadWeB today. | ||
| Ducbsa |
> Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances..... > > While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the > instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things > that are important to each other." > > He then addressed the men. > "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" > > Frank leaned over, touched Ann¹s arm gently, and whispered, > "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" > > And thus began Frank's life of celibacy. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! | ||
| Britchri10 |
6,8,9 & 11 seem perfectly reasonable to me. The rest, not so much! Chris C | ||
| Kenm123t |
THE B CH can mind her own damn business. As Thomas Quigley once stated we sent the misfits back to England ! Or we could go with Brett Butlers observation That bunch of buck toothed pasty faced in breds can go home. Oh I have often wondered When did the NHS do away with dentistry ??  |
