| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
***LANGUAGE ALERT*** You will get the idea without sound though. This little guy has a lot to learn. | ||
| Sifo |
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!" | ||
| Strokizator |
A guy is sitting for a job interview and the employer asks him, “So what do think is your greatest weakness?” The guy replies, “I’m too honest.” The employer says, “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” The guy says “I don’t give a *%&@ what you think.” | ||
| Griffmeister |
So this man comes home and finds his wife watching a cooking show on tv. The man is a little amused and says,"What are you watching that for, you don't cook?" The wife looks back at him and says,"Well you watch porn don't you?" | ||
| Bolthead |
The 2013 Darwin Awards Are Out! Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here Is The Glorious Winner: 1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And Now, The Honorable Mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?] 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.” 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough! In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family…. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *****Remember***** They walk among us, they can reproduce. | ||
| Crusty |
A dilemma-  A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?". THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT". "IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER". "WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?" | ||
| Bolthead |
AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan . She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?! I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with crap in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb ….. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex | ||
| Britchri10 |
That is just too good! Chris C | ||
| Sifo |
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback... The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!! | ||
| Sifo |
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." | ||
| 1313 |
Wrong on so many levels, which is probably why I like it so much... A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life. "Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley." | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.pvponline.com/comic/2014/01/14/vicious- cycle1 | ||
| Crusty |
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo." | ||
| Sifo |
Bump  | ||
| Hootowl |
Wow. On a heavy police bike. Stones. Two fingers on the brake too... | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.adweek.com/news/advertising-branding/ad -day-subarus-road-tripping-dogs-are-cute-funny-and -almost-human-155019 | ||
| Bluzm2 |
The Subaru ads are the best!! | ||
| Uncle |
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| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
Three friends were getting ready to tee off on the golf course when a single guy walked up and asked if he could join them. They agreed to make it a foursome. While waiting to tee it up on the fourth hole, a par five, one of the three asked the stranger what he did for a living. He replied that he was an assassin. They all stopped and stared at him. He told them not to worry, that none of them were his targets . . . They asked him how he usually killed people and he pulled an AI rifle in .308 with a Nightforce scope out of his golf bag. The three admired the fine gun and Bill asked if he could look through the scope as his house was near the next green, about 500 yards away. The assassin said sure, and handed the rifle to Bill. As Bill was looking through the scope he said, “Hey, my wife is in our bedroom, and she’s naked!” A moment later he shouted, “HEY! My neighbor Mikey is there and he’s naked, too!” Then he asked the assassin how much he would charge to kill the two cheaters. The hit man said he’d charge $10,000 apiece. Bill handed the rifle back and said, “Done. Can you shoot my wife in the mouth? I’m done listening to her whining and complaining. Oh and shoot Mikey’s Johnson off for cheating with her!” Several minutes pass as the hit man stared through the scope when Bill asks him what was taking so long. The hit man says “Hang on, I think I can give you a two for one shot.” | ||
| Crusty |
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends". Well here is the low-down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will! Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.  | ||
| Crusty |
On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??" "Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!" | ||
| Crusty |
Dead Penguins - I never knew this! Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!!!!!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? It's so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! Oh, quit whining, I fell for it, too. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE ....It takes less than 15 seconds.... If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test. See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _ NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P _ N _ S 4. PU _ S _ 5. S _ X 6. BOO _ S Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a Pervert. | ||
| Sifo |
Not sure if this is for real or not. It's pretty funny either way though. | ||
| Sifo |
Each day, the new male employee stands next to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He inhales quite deeply, and comments that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She goes to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the male employee. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?" "It's John. The midget." | ||
| 99savage |
~ An old rancher named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW drove up out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a man in a fancy suit and tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The man parks his car, whips out his smart phone surfs the web to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within seconds, he receives an email on his smart phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his i phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized apple Laser-jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the guy select one of the animals and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Cowboy Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog" ~ When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2 | ||
| 99savage |
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK! | ||
| Uncle |
Sorry if this is a repost. An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' | ||
| Sifo |
Sam walks into his boss's office. "Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise." After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. "By the way", asks the boss as Sam is getting up, "which three companies are after you?" "The electric company, water company, and phone company", Sam replied |
