| Author | Message | ||
     Aesquire |
A follow up for Canada.  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I told the lady at the desk that I invented a folding bottle. She asked me what I called it. "A Fottle," I said. "What else do you have?" "A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton." She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket. | ||
| Crusty |
Resetting The Password "Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeA ccessRightFuckingNow. "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAc cessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use." | ||
| Sifo |
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America . ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%. COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7% COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%. ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed. COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work. ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%. COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed. ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%. COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%? ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work. COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed. ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed. COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! ABBOTT: No, you miss his point. COSTELLO: What point? ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair. COSTELLO: To whom? ABBOTT: The unemployed. COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work. ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment? ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely! COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work? ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment. COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for re-election. ABBOTT: Absolutely! COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? ABBOTT: Two ways is correct. COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job? ABBOTT: Correct. COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job? ABBOTT: Bingo. COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work. ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist. COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said! ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress | ||
| Sifo |
"Dogs Welcome" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed And very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." | ||
| Midknyte |
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| Alfau |
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" "Yes, the woman declared contentedly, "Pepper." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Just thought I'd nip over to my Gran's, and fair play to her at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up. Cobwebs and spiders in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer... I'll pop back next year. __________________________________________________ ______________________________________ A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, When a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa; The d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!! __________________________________________________ ______________________________________ Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!" __________________________________________________ ______________________________________ The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said: "I have just one question about what I have seen in America .” The Iranian leant forward and whispered to the General, "My son watches one of your TV shows which is called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek." The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear: "That's because it takes place in the future." | ||
| 86129squids |
  Grumps, live long and prosper! | ||
| Alfau |
You are a dickhead! (Message edited by alfau on October 29, 2013) | ||
| Alfau |
Today I was beaten up by a woman...I was in the elevator when a busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..? So I did. I don't remember much afterwards....Recovery time 4 - 6 weeks | ||
| Crusty |
Dr. Smith's Prescriptions A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s? 'Yes I am... How did you know?' He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock " | ||
| Crusty |
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the Revenue agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked: "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go ." | ||
| Sifo |
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| Alfau |
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart Disease. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Again Judy remarried, and this time She & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret : "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband? ?" Margaret replied: "No, I think he means her legs, Ethel..." | ||
| Sifo |
CROW KILLS Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing | ||
| Sifo |
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| Alfau |
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: A pumpkin? Shit... Is it midnight already?' The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever. | ||
| Sifo |
Meanwhile, probably somewhere in Russia...  | ||
| Crusty |
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| Mr_grumpy |
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall" She says "I'll take the red one" The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher" | ||
| Crusty |
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| Sifo |
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| Fahren |
"Look! Up in the road... a head!" | ||
| Crusty |
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.' Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?' The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10, and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever." | ||
| Bluzm2 |
John, one of the best ever! | ||
| Midknyte |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAPieZ25OSI | ||
| Ducbsa |
A sequel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedd ed&v=_6D6eP6EMj4 | ||
| Aesquire |
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| Sifo |
A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word: mypenis As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!! The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED! |
