| Author | Message | ||
     Hootowl |
Nice. I kneed won of those.  | ||
| Alfau |
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two out here..' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman undressed and I was wondering if I might see you?' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm looking.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely body. 'Father, could I ask something of you also?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man undressed either. Could I see you ?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' and the Priest removed his robe. 'Oh Father, and after a few minutes his enjoyment was obvious. 'Sister, you know that I can give life with this..' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... use it on the camel so we can get the hell out of here!' | ||
| Thumper1203 |
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican. The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH. ...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days... | ||
| Andersonhdj |
Friday funnies The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fcking one of them. I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during s3x… My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my d%ck. I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic b1tch , it turns out that she loves Alan Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my i-Pad”That spider never knew what fcking hit it. I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.She says that it makes her sleepy and her @ss sore. | ||
| Alfau |
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his." | ||
| Just_ziptab |
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught. | ||
| Sifo |
One guy says to his buddy "Give me the perfect example of a dilemma, can you?" The buddy replied "Well, imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?" | ||
| Ducbsa |
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!' --- ::: --- A nice, calm and respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..." --- ::: --- I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. Wow! The bull started to service the cows within 2 days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour’s cows! He's been servicing just about everything in sight. He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like Peppermint! | ||
| Sparky |
He: What do you call a brain surgeon operating on a politician? She: I don't know. He: A proctologist. She: That would be funny if it weren't so true. | ||
| Aesquire |
The pace of modern life. http://xkcd.com/1227/ (Message edited by aesquire on June 20, 2013) | ||
| Crusty |
Now......That's a Good Friend!! A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife starts screaming at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for? Husband says.................... "Because he's thinking of getting married...." | ||
| Sifo |
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley ." The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two a**-holes." "What! He had two a**-holes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two a**-holes." | ||
| Crusty |
The Pastor's Ass The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! | ||
| Crusty |
How the Internet started. In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth. | ||
| Crusty |
THE TINY CABIN A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!" | ||
| Andersonhdj |
Michelle Obama dies and goes to heaven, and she's in the waiting room to see Jesus. There are clocks everywhere, not a single square inch of wall or ceiling doesn't have a timepiece. Some of them don't seem to be moving. St. Peter comes out and calls her name. "I'm here" she says. "What's with all the clocks?". St. Peter says "Everyone who has ever lived has a clock here. Every time they tell a lie, their clock moves forward by one minute. This is George Washington's clock. As you can see, it's one past midnight, so he only told one lie." "Oh" Michelle said. "Where's my husband's clock?" "That's in Jesus' office" St. Peter replies. "He uses that as a fan" | ||
| Sifo |
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs. | ||
| Crusty |
The wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. · My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. · I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. · After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Screw it, soldier on! · I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30. · Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. · The other night, my wife asked me how many women Id slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" · My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?!" · A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. | ||
| Crusty |
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to graduate." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, '...I would do... anything!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Yes,... Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...... study?" | ||
| Oldog |
True Story: My budy Pat was in Myrtle Beach several years ago having a cold beer with his wife, at a local watering hole. A hooker walks up to him and tells him that she will do any thing that he wants for 200$, "Any thing?" he asks, "Yes any thing" she says trying to be seductive ..... So he reaches in his wallet, pulls out 2 bennies for her to see, Then asks her to "Paint his porch", His wife on his other side erupts into laughter, he turns to her and asks if she wants any thing else on the house painted..... | ||
| Sifo |
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30!” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next “I sold magazines” she said “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath… Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town” said Little Johnny “I set up a Dip and Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing “Hey, this tastes like dog sh*t!” Then I would say “It is dog sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush? “I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh*tty for free, and then making you pay to get the sh*tty taste out of your mouth.” | ||
| 86129squids |
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| 5liter |
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says………”If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.” So, I call them and say, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?” | ||
| Sifo |
A husband comes home and says to his wife, lets go upstairs and screw our brains out. The wife responds that the kids are getting old enough that they can't just say stuff like that any longer. They are getting to the age where they will pick up on that. We need some kind of code phrase. How about "help me do the laundry"? The husband agrees with this, and the next day he comes home and says to his wife, help me do the laundry. The wife says it's a bad time to do the laundry because the neighbor is visiting and is in the other room. The next day the husband comes home and says to his wife, help me do the laundry. The wife says it's a bad time to do the laundry because he mother stopped by for a visit. The next day the husband comes home and says to his wife, help me do the laundry. The wife says it's a bad time to do the laundry because their kids have friends over. The next day, the wife is feeling bad about this streak and decides to surprise her husband by wearing some sexy underwear under her cloths for when he gets home. The husband gets home and she says to him, help me do the laundry. The husband says, it was a small load and I did it by hand. | ||
| 99savage |
A new take on an old routine. COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America . ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%. COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%. COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%. ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed. COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work. ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%. COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed. ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%. COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%? ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work. COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed. ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed. COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! ABBOTT: No, you miss his point. COSTELLO: What point? ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair. COSTELLO: To whom? ABBOTT: The unemployed. COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work. ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment? ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely! COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work? ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? ABBOTT: Two ways is correct. COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job? ABBOTT: Correct. COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job? ABBOTT: Bingo. COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work. ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist. COSTELLO: I don't even know what the heck I just said! ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress. Read more here: http://www.mcclatchy...F#storylink=cpy | ||
| 99savage |
I was in Ft. Myers, the other day, and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago." So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker, and left a note that read, "I hope this helps! | ||
| Sifo |
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' | ||
| Sifo |
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' | ||
| Hootowl |
These two words, "finished", and "complete" mean the same thing. However... If you marry the right woman, you are complete. If you marry the wrong one, you are finished. | ||
| Sifo |
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' |
