| Author | Message | ||
     Crusty |
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, ...Walk into a very fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.......... “You can't come in here without a Thai. " | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant. "You f----kn idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f---kn scared to cough" | ||
| Crusty |
There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?" "How do you mean?" says the second one. "Well last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the jelly but instead I said 'You've ruined my life, you stupid bitch!'" | ||
| Alfau |
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't actually ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. " "The word condom won't even be used." The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.` "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50. He's the window cleaner!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Scottish pub quiz.... "And the final question to win the £ 100 is: "The title of Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That", what other two words complete the title? There was a long pause then.. A wee Glesga man stands up and says: Was it - "Ya Bastard"...? | ||
| Crusty |
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots." With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch for him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night." The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup." The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart." The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?" | ||
| Cyclonedon |
thats a give me! lol  | ||
| Crusty |
20 Ways To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In." 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the Memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favors." 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go." 12. Sing along at the opera. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard? 17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won!" 18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!" 19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...... 20. Send this E-mail to someone to make them smile...it's called therapy... | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?" | ||
| Alfau |
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert ... shoulda bought a hat." | ||
| Chauly |
A blind man flew to Texas. On the plane, he remarked about how big and plush the seats were. The guy next to him said, “Everything is big in Texas.” When the plane landed, the blind man went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a beer. When he felt the beer mug, he remarked about how large it was. The bartender explained, “Everything is big in Texas.” After a few beers, the man tried to stumble to the bathroom, but on his way, he accidentally fell in the pool. As he flapped around, terrified, he screamed, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!” | ||
| Fahren |
 | ||
| Crusty |
NO Speak English A Russian woman married an Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne. The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.) What were you Thinking? Her husband speaks English....helloooooo ! I worry about you sometimes ! | ||
| Milt |
 | ||
| Moxnix |
 As posted on Wroclaw (Poland) Motorcycle Show's Albums | ||
| Crusty |
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens." "What do you want us to do?" asked the policeman. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the policeman had the Main Road's workers go out to erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!" So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers' and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no good at all .. can I put up my own sign?" The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead." He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling to complain. The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman and he decided to give Farmer John a call. " How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did," replied Farmer John, "and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign . it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers." So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood.... * * * * * * * * * * * NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks! | ||
| Crusty |
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin . In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.' | ||
| Alfau |
An American, a Englishman and an Aussie are talking about screams of passion. The American said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest body oil money can buy, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Englishman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with very special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love.. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Aussie said: That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with butter.I smeared her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The American and Englishman,astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ....wow that's phenomenal ! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains." | ||
| Crusty |
The 6 Affairs The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair With his secretary. One day they went to her place And made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed And told his lover to take his shoes Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters But always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time For the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant And delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery To see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child He had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can Be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, About to be cremated, And made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part He had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated With such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, Stuffed it into his briefcase, And took it home. 'I have something to show You won't believe,' he said to his wife, Opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover When she heard her husband Opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, Then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired As he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it So I got one for us, too.' No more was said, Not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, Went to the kitchen and returned With a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths And nobody offered me a damned thing.' The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, Went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs With your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing To his business down here.' The 6th & Best Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, Her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' | ||
| Crusty |
A traveling salesman is in a remote village of north Africa and he needs to get the next town. So, he goes to Hertz Rent-A-Camel but they're out of camels. Same with Avis Camel Service, Internation Camel Rentals and so forth. You get the picture. There is but one camel rental place left and it is a disreputable, dirty back-street operation. With no options left, the salesman rents a camel from them. It's the last one too, and it is a decrepit example of a camel. He loads his sales samples on the back of the saddle, hops up and starts his journey through the desert. About 20 miles from the middle-of-nowhere, the camel jerks to a stop. He goads the camel. No movement. He swears at the camel. No movement. Bats the ears, again, no motion. He gets off of the camel and starts checking the straps. All okay. Looks in the camels mouth. Looks okay. Looks in the camels eyes. Camel looks right back but, everything looks okay. Perplexed, the salesman walks over to a nearby phone booth (this is a joke, remember? I can put the damn phone booth anywhere I want...). The salesman calls the rental agency and demands that they send a replacement camel. No can do of course, he has the last one, but they will send a camel repair tech post haste, just stand by (as if there's anything else to do when stranded in the middle-of-nowhere (with it's one and only phone booth)). After a short chunk of time lasting what seems like forever, the camel repair tech appears on the horizon and heads towards the stranded salesman. (Well, hell, everyone knows where that phone booth in the middle-of-nowhere is. Don't you?). When he arrives, he pretty much does everthing the salesman did. Swears at the camel. No movement, bats its ears. Likewise, no movement. Looks it in the eyes. It looks right back. Checks the camels teeth. Nope, they're fine and still no movement. Checks the straps etc. The camel remains quite stationary. The camel repair tech grunts and head back to his camel which as a very fine set of Gucci panniers and reaches into one an extracts what looks like a 3' length of two-by-four with a handle carved at one end and speed holes down the remaining length of the flat sides of the board. Returning to the stationary camel, he takes his left hand and lifts the tail. Then, with the right arm, he swings the board back as far as he can reach and with a mighty swing, smacks the camel across the butt with a resound "Thwack". Almost instantaneously, the camels butt lets forth with a massive ( and massively odious) cloud of gas that has both the tech and the salesman blanching and trying not to loose their respective lunches. Then the camel starts trotting around in a circle as if nothing had ever happened. The camel repair tech motions to the salesman to remount an continue his journey. Curious, the salesman asks the tech, "What was the problem?" "Ah, nothing much" replies the tech, "just vapor lock". (Message edited by Crusty on July 14, 2012) | ||
| Aesquire |
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24" was the Highway Route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128." | ||
| Crusty |
Joke #1: Ellen failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer Joke #2: LIFE EXPLAINED On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it.." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch. Joke #3: A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper (with a Jamaican accent) say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' Joke #4: A sweet old couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7 !! ’ | ||
| Hootowl |
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' | ||
| Hootowl |
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' ‘Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? | ||
| Alfau |
Thomas The Tank Engine. A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you... We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added............ 'For those of you who are annoyed about the delay, please see the FAT CONTROLLER in the kitchen.' | ||
| Just_ziptab |
Once upon a time, this blonde girl became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, and for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! incredible!!! but ok, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Go ahead and take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"....  | ||
| Xdigitalx |
I finally bought some Ginkgo Biloba to help improve my memory ................ .....................but I keep forgetting to take it.... | ||
| Alfau |
P O K E R Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Les came home from golf at 6 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered, ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'Did he give you $250?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did.’ Les, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is how poker should be played .... | ||
| Strokizator |
Men think this is funny. Women . . . not so much. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3jY47ldMuE | ||
| 86129squids |
  THAT WAS UNNNFRICKINBELIEVABLE, Strok!! Made my day in less than 40 seconds!! |
