| Author | Message | ||
     Reepicheep |
That's great! I remember back in high school, when a friend I won't name, went to all the posters that were up around the school. It was for students to buy extra copies of their school portraits, and the headline was "Trade Faces with your Friends!". He put an "e" over the "a". (Trade Feces with your Friends). Totally juvenile, and it still makes me laugh today. | ||
| Alfau |
A man walked out to the street and instantly caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his friffing widow." | ||
| 86129squids |
 Alfau, that made my morning- just forwarded to the GF and sis... | ||
| Crusty |
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! ' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's why I shot him, the little bastard. | ||
| Crusty |
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .'HEBREWS' The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ..' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece | ||
| 86129squids |
Awesome! Also forwarded! | ||
| Arbalest |
Two gay guys are sitting on a park bench, people watching. Pretty soon two really hot, young blond women pass by. One guy say to the other, "Some days, I wish I was born a lesbian" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
WHAT IS A TRAGEDY? David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.' A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'. The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Clegg and Mr Milliband was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either' | ||
| Alfau |
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!-- The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat ! After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs Smith fainted | ||
| Froggy |
Remember, no jokes about Jesus on Easter weekend. He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross. That said, I hope you all had a Good Friday, it wasn't so good for Jesus. Then again, he did get hammered and nailed... (Message edited by froggy on April 07, 2012) | ||
| Kenm123t |
Froggy One day Ill be very happy to slap you off your pony your a nasty little toad | ||
| Crusty |
I know an Anesthesiologist who moonlighted by being a waitress at the Playboy Club. She was known as the Ether Bunny. | ||
| Slaughter |
I'm confused about Jesus' sense of humor. If god created all things, he/she/it/they will get the joke! We suspend our sense of humor for one weekend? NAAAaaaawwww  | ||
| Reepicheep |
I am a dedicated follower of Jesus, and I think these posts are funny. My kid said that's a pretty lame "M" in the picture above though. | ||
| Slaughter |
Besides Easter has NOTHING to do with big eared rodents and what comes out of a chicken's hind end. It's not chocolate.   (Message edited by slaughter on April 08, 2012) | ||
| Jramsey |
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like crap.” The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." | ||
| Kenm123t |
There is humour but Froggy isnt humourous he is just being mean. Slaughter I always wondered how bunny slippers started lol Oh and can you add a Toad riding my little pony next to the bunny and egg (Message edited by kenm123t on April 08, 2012) | ||
| Bgbrd |
Remember, chocolate Easter bunnies are but one bite away from becoming Easter gophers. | ||
| Crusty |
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| Alfau |
A Short Neurological Test 1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer. Congratulations! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
We always hear “the rules” From the female side…. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. ... 1. Sunday sports or news, it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials… 1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really . 1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping. | ||
| Sifo |
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. The big problem was that he no longer was a "whole man". He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. | ||
| Alfau |
An Irish farmer named Paddy Callaway had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Callaway. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor? Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy CALLAWAY'S answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what the hell would you have said? | ||
| Slaughter |
Thanks VAMPS for this on your Facebook:  | ||
| Fahren |
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag? | ||
| Fahren |
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| Chauly |
A couple moved into a new house, and within the first month they had to call an electrician, a painter, a carpenter, and a roofer. One afternoon, the husband returned home from work early and found a plumber’s van in the driveway. “Lord,” he sighed, “please let her be having an affair.” | ||
| Sifo |
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| Jramsey |
The Perfect Response An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha’s Vineyard. She slipped and fell. Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered “It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? ” The elderly woman laughed and replied: ”You know … I fell on my ass … not on my head…… | ||
| 86129squids |
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