| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." | ||
| Zane |
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." | ||
| Jramsey |
So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a bunch of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap." "It was my first day with the hook." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested..' So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.' Then He went to the Russians and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Russians also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.' Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Sacre Bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.' Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.' There. That, should piss off just about everybody! __________________ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
What do you call a Policeman that specialises in cyber crime? An iPlod | ||
| Ltbuell |
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He aquired his size from too much pi. I thought i saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whiskey maker,but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. Two silk worms had a race.They ended up in a tie. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.The police are looking into it. Time flies like an arrow.Fruit flies like a banana. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.One hat said to the other:"You stay here,i'll go on a head". I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.Then it hit me.... A sign on the lawn at the drug rehab center said:"Keep off the Grass".... The midget fortune-teller,who escaped from prison,was a small medium at large. | ||
| Crusty |
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD . The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and add permanent wave." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I'd sue that surgeon John. | ||
| Sifo |
COWBOY: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please. CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir? COWBOY: Nah . . . she ain’t THAT ugly!!! | ||
| Alfau |
Only great minds can read this This is weird, but interesting! fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! | ||
| Britchri10 |
I can read it OK, so that "great minds" thing is a bit of a wash  I 'm not sure I am remembering this right but I think it's a learned function of the brain that falls under "predictive reasoning". Kinda like spell check on your 'phone! Chris C | ||
| Buellathebuzzer |
is this one rude? How do you circumcise a whale? You use four skin divers. | ||
| 86129squids |
Hahaha- good one Alfau- somewhere else I read that, or something similar... I tend to scan/speed read, so that whole thing was "legible" to me, at about 90% my regular reading speed... Fun! | ||
| Just_ziptab |
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.” Debra replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.” | ||
| Just_ziptab |
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Papa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single ass hole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!" Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? | ||
| Alfau |
The constipated mathematician worked it out with a pencil. | ||
| Ltbuell |
"Alfau"....i thought the constipated math teacher ALSO worked it out with a slide rule...but for the way,way back ...an abacas. | ||
| Satori |
Colonoscopy Journal; By Dave Barry ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald. I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. A few days later in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP YOUR BEHIND!" I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say, that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litreplastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system like me, a litre I think is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowel movement may result." This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough." At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full 'Fire Hose' mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy, that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy from somewhere behind me.. "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself because I am going to tell you in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?" 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all: 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?" | ||
| Griffmeister |
Yeah, when my wife had the procedure I asked the Doc if he found the bug that was up there. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the Exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career". __________________ | ||
| Fahren |
Conversation overheard at Athens airport................ Immigration Officer - 'Nationality ?' Arriving Passenger - 'German' Immigration Officer - 'Occupation ?' Arriving Passenger - 'No, just a holiday.' | ||
| Jramsey |
Barack and Michelle are at the World Series Game 6. They're sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Barack. At first, Obama stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Obama hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it. Obama shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that's what the people want. C'mere Michelle baby..." With that, Obama gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Barack, you "!^$#@&!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Obama is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that. I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that." Noticing the agent has gone totally pale in the face, Obama asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch." | ||
| Fahren |
Ok, that was funny. Totally not "not rude," but funny. | ||
| Sifo |
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.! Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for.?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.? 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her.? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' | ||
| Slaughter |
McDonald's needs to consider making their signs tamper-proof:  | ||
| Xodot |
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? ' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. ' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50 , and I get £43 back from the Medical Insurance. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office. "Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised. "I'd like to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!" "I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well we do have an opening in the catering corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?" "You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!" "Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all needs goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy." "So you're putting me in a shop? More stereotyping and racism! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes." The sergeant, increasingly pissed off now, flips a page on his sheet. "Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?" "Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?" "Sort of like a taxi." ________________ | ||
| Slaughter |
Pythagorean: There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. |
