| Author | Message | ||
     Ferris_von_bueller |
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished with him. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP US ALL | ||
| Nevrenuf |
and they breed too. | ||
| Ourdee |
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid But they don't all know what they are doing when breeding. | ||
| Timberwolf211 |
this is way too funny | ||
| Swampy |
EFFIN ATTORNYS In court, mine was sleeping, having a frickin geritol lapse, the other blood sucking liar told an absolute untruth, otherwise known as a blatant lie, (what blood sucking liars do best), I actually leaned over and in a very loud voice yelled "Karl!, OBJECT!" and started handing him papers. He woke from his daze and got up but it was too late....the lie was struck. Now I am in the market for a new blood sucker that can lie better than the one I am fighting against, and hence the reason the Ulysses is now up for sale, 2008 XT $7000, come and get it, and the Sporty. The moral to the story is "is to have no morals, simply lie" Do Not take the moral high road, it is all out war! Find one with an arsenal and knows how to use it. Someday I will look back on all this and laugh. | ||
| Rainman |
Hey, Swamp, sorry to hear about the legal experience. We had a good one who knew exactly how much money we had and made sure he took every single penny before turning us over to the child support services to handle the case. At least he kept the kids for us. Wish I could afford the XT. I'd buy it, ride it and sell it back to you when it's all over. | ||
| Zane |
My lawyer was so bad that at one point to make him hear an important point, I screamed at him over the phone to shut his G.D. mouth and open his G.D. ears. Then I hung up on his arse. I've never done anything remotely like that in my life. Rainman, my lawyer was smarter than yours. Mine not only knew how much money I had but how much credit I had too. Then he finished up, losing my son to the NPD ex wife. Incompetent SOB! | ||
| Strokizator |
The moral to the story is "is to have no morals, simply lie" Before going into court my attorney told me "Just because everyone is under oath doesn't mean that everything they say is the truth. It's the judge's job to sift through all that crap and he's pretty good at it." I never heard so much bullcrap from people who had sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. | ||
| Rfischer |
In the 15 years or so I practised law [I don't anymore - quit and got a real job..] I heard my fair share of untruths. Split 'bout 50/50 between the other side...and my client[s]. Fact is, folks hire lawyers largely because they can't work out their issues themselves. In the result all are quite capable of taking liberties with the truth. My guy, other side's guy. The good lawyer is the one who ferrets out HIS guy's lies....and buries them. And then underscores the other guy's lies for all to see. But make no mistake about it, EVERYONE is lying to some extent. Typically, they see it simply as the "truth", from their point of view, without regard to the other's point of view or version of the truth. Not to offend anyone here, but that's the way it is. | ||
| Oldog |
Do Not take the moral high road, it is all out war! I disagree Do the right thing, its always the right thing, its not always the easy thing, some times its costly and some times its tough but its always right. |
