| Author | Message | ||
     Bill0351 |
"Motorcycle Wisdom" Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move my bowels (on long lonely stretches of highway with nothing to use as toilet paper but dry leaves). Life may begin at 30, but those of us who made 40 know that is a bunch of shit. You start the game of life with a full pot of luck and an empty pot of experience. By 23, you just have a lot of pot (PHELPS). If you wait, all that happens is that you get harsh dried out pot. Midnight bugs taste just as bad as noon time bugs, and both taste better than your mom (or so I heard). Saddlebags can hold everything you want completely soaked with water The only good view of a thunderstorm is from your mom’s bedroom window wishing she wasn’t that good at tying knots. Don't ride so late into the night that you wake up with AFTERNOON wood.. It takes a whole tank of fuel before you run out. Riding faster than everyone else makes you feel pretty cool. Never hesitate to ride right past the last street light at the edge of town when nobody is looking even if it’s red at the time. Never do less than forty miles before stopping at an adult book store, or the neighbors might see you. One bike on the road is worth two in the garage but one on the road and two in the garage are even better. Respect the person who has seen the dark side of your mom and lived (there are lots of us). Young riders pick a destination and go. Old riders pick their hemorrhoids and go. A good mechanic will not pretend your bike came in with that dent on the tank and the scratch on the rim. Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop at a truck stop and ask if anyone is “holding.” Then drive for the rest of the night grinding your teeth and singing an endless version of Radar Love. Whenever you piss it’s not better to do it in the wind. Two-lane blacktop isn't a highway if it goes through a residential neighborhood. When you look down the road it seems to never end, but you'd better believe, it does and if you don’t look up pretty f*****g quick, it’s going to catch you by surprise! Winter is nature's way of telling you should have taken that job offer in San Diego. Motorcycle boots are NOT comfortable for walking. So, why is you mom out on the street corner wearing them with her mini-skirt? (I’m checking for a 20 and rolling down my window as we speak) People are like motorcycles; Some are big, fat, and slow. Sometimes the best communication happens when your (now ex) wife are living in separate houses. Good coffee should be spiked with Jamison. The best alarm clock is some strange girl in your bed asking if you can give her a ride home. A true friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 a. m. to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you and drop you off at his mom’s house (and even wait and drive you home after). Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at 70 mph can remind you to wear your gear. If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you are probably worried about deer. There's something ugly about a bike with your mom on it. Be careful. Don't argue with an 18-wheeler, a bus, or even a pissed off cop or girlfriend with PMS. Never be ashamed to cry if you hurt your balls. A long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and piss off your girlfriend if it is your anniversary (from experience). If you can't get her going with bungee cords, wire and electrician's tape, she is way too drunk. If you ride like there's no tomorrow, there will be higher insurance premiums next month. Bikes parked out front mean strippers inside. There are old riders of your mom. There bold riders of your mom. There are NO old, bold riders of your mom who don’t already have herpes. Always replace the oldest condoms first. You can forget what you do for a living when her knees are up in the breeze. Patience is the ability to not go 300% of the speed limit just because you can. A biker knows why a dog licks its own d**k, but then again everyone has heard that joke. There are two types of people in this world; people who ride motorcycles and people who run into them while texting and drinking a double mocha latte. Never try to race an old Geezer (see first line of poem about bowels). Gray-haired bikers also have gray pubes, at least your mom does. | ||
| Danger_dave |
Noice. Did you see my version of 'the biker'? | ||
| Bill0351 |
No I didn't see it. I tied to do a search this morning but I didn't come up with anything. Can you post a link to the thread? Bill | ||
| Fresnobuell |
wtf was that? | ||
| Bill0351 |
"wtf was that?" I had just read the other post "motorcycle wisdom" and since I had seen it before, and I had a few after work, I thought it was my job to freshen it up. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it made my girlfriend laugh when I was doing it. Bill | ||
| Fester99 |
MMMMM OK........  | ||
| U4euh |
are YOU my dad? Thought I'd ask, you seem to know my mom pretty well. | ||
| Happy1 |
who doesn't know her well is the real question.  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Send your dna sample to......... | ||
| Cityxslicker |
Thats it, y'all have been warned, I am posting the spoof of Steppenwolfs Born to be Wild that I wrote about moms. That will get this kicked to the backfire board with a quickness | ||
| Corporatemonkey |
who doesn't know her well is the real question. Oh SNAP | ||
| Danger_dave |
I saw you; hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But you didn't see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday. It gets the old girl off my back and fortunately I still had $200 for booze and hookers. I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But you didn't see me playing Santa at the local Mall. I cant help being a fat old coot but this is a sure fire way to cash in on it - and perv on those mothers. I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant when you saw my bike parked out front. But you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief. And yes I know that Hooters is classless, but I didn't realise that a Hurricane was what the brochure meant by the 'big gulf blow'. I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by. But you didn't see me riding behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window. More importantly did you see when I flicked you the finger? I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn't see me, when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless, some of whom I evicted so I'm paying back, and I had to stop off for a beer. I saw you stare at my long hair. But you didn't see me and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love. These days I have 12 inches but don't use it as a rule. I saw you roll your eyes at our Leather jackets and gloves. But you didn't see me and my brothers donate our old ones to those that had none. Poor b@stards - I hope the smell might wash out eventually. I saw you look in fright at my tattoos. But you didn't see me cry as my children where born or have their name written over and in my heart. Later I added 'tidy your ******** room' and 'no, you can't have $20' - in a skull with snakes coming out of it. I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But you didn't see me going home to be with my family, at the clubhouse. I'm going to get drunk and they have to trailer the bike home. I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be. But you didn't see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane. Fortunately I saw you, you and every other clown who drives like he got a licence from a cereal box. I saw you yelling at your kids in the car. But you didn't see me pat my child's hands knowing she was safe behind me, doing 80, in a tee shirt and sneakers. I saw you reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road. But you didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn. Pisses me off that I can't grab her t*ts from here. I saw you race down the road in the rain. But you didn't see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date. The wimp. Sooner he grows up the better. Little sponger wanted the bike but there is nil chance of that happening. I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But you didn't see me trying to turn right. But I'm used to dipsticks like you that can't drive so, situation normal. Never a cop around when you need one. I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you didn't see me leave the road. But hey I was in a hurry - the pub was about to close. I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But you didn't see me. I wasn't there. Unless the cops have hard evidence and then they need to talk to my lawyer. I saw you go home to your family. But you didn't see me. Because I died that day you cut me off. I've died other times too. Bad jokes usually. And the one about the Priest and the Prostitute, but it was funny when she told me. I was just a biker. A person with friends and a family. But you didn't see me. So unless there were fingerprints we can just forget the whole thing. Repost this around in hopes that people will understand the biker community. Then flap your wings and try and fly to the moon. If you don't repost this 700,000 times, it sucks to be you. I hope you never lose someone that rides, so remember - If you aren't in my mirrors I can't see you. IF YOU DON'T LIKE US - GET *******. :-) | ||
| Cityxslicker |
And now for the backfire board.... I have blanked out the NSFW portions, but its still pretty suggestive. Read it to yourself as you hum the Classic Born to be Wild tune. This is the result of too much caffeine and a banter of yo' momma jokes gone wrong Get your moth'a runnin Put her out on the highway Lookin for a trickster Or whatever comes her way Yeah Momma gonna make it happen Take you around the world in a glove embrace Fire off your gun at once Explode onto her face I like cheap perfume and lace Heavy lipstick and mascara Trampin on the corner Charge for feelins down under Yeah Momma gonna make it happen Take you around the world in a glove embrace Fire off your gun at once Explode onto her face Like a true sl*ts child You were born, born to be next She can charge so much Momma can afford to get high Born to be wh@re’d Born to be wh@re’d | ||
| U4euh |
Damn so what your telling me is all of you could be my daddy, or one of you ALL could be my daddy? This may take a while.  Which one of you started balding at 34, which one of you................ | ||
| Bill0351 |
"But you didn't see me squeeze (edit) your mom's leg when she told me to take the next turn. Pisses me off that I can't grab her t*ts from here." Truer words have never been spoken DD. Great rewrite of "The Biker." All such email forwards deserve to be rewritten before they are sent on. Don't forget to leave all the undeleted forwarding addresses so they can appear to have found your rewrite well worth sending to others. |
