| Author | Message | ||
     Lemonchili_x1 |
Stuck inside, too cold/wet/snowing to ride? I thought this might give you a laugh  A Diary of a Pom In Karratha August 31st Just got transferred with work into our new home in Karratha, Western Australia, now this is a town that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. September 13th Really heating up. Got to 35°C(95°F) today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper. September 30th Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but i love it here. October 10th This temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat!? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. October 15th Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. October 20th I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time i got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran way. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. October 25th The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f@#$^ng blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts. October 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here!?!? November 4th Its 38(100°F) degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,500 and gets the temp down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like its about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f%$#!n’ place. November 8th If another wise arse cracks, "hot enough for you today" I'm going to f#@$%n’ throttle him. F@#$%n’ heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking f’n’ wet, and I smell like baked cat!! November 9th Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I though my f’n arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f’n arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. November 10th The weather report might as well be a f%$^$n recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f#$%@ng sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f’ng pool. Even the palms can't live in this f#$%&n’ heat. November 14th Welcome to HELL!!!! Temperature got to 41(106°F) today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said "hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my @ss out of jail for assaulting the stupid f@#$er. F!$k Karratha! What kind of sick demented f#$%&n idiot would want to live here? December 1st WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer??? You are f@#$^ng kidding!!! | ||
| Vampress |
Sooo true Lol! They never learn...sunny Oz. | ||
| Cruisin |
I know I pilfered this, but as a Vermonter, it's always funny for me: (degrees Fahrenheit / Celsius) +50 / +10 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Vermonters plant gardens * Airmass too stable for supercells * Western skiers wait for cold spell to end * Powerbars are almost chewy * Mt. Washington gets snow +40 / +4 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Mt. Mansfield gets snow * Vermonters sunbathe +35 / +2 * Burlington gets snow * Italian cars don't start +32 / 0 * Distilled water freezes +30 / -1 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * Vermonters eat ice cream +25 / -4 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you +20 / -7 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts * All the people with southern accents in Burlington are immediately cured of their accents. * beers freeze * Powerbars become annoyingly brittle +15 / -10 * You plan a vacation in Acapulco * Vermonters go swimming * Wimps complain about the swimming +10 / -12 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You need jumper cables to get the car going 0 / -18 * New York landlords turn on the heat * Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum! * Duct Tape freezes solid * Powerbars shatter in backpack during tree collisions -5 / -21 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii * Vermont skiers scoff at you for vacation location -10 / -23 * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate * Skiers laugh at skaters -15 / -26 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Miamians cease to exist * Vermonters lick flagpoles -20 / -29 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * People in the Northeast Kingdom think about taking down screens * Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells * Powerbars function as ice scrapers -25 / -32 * Too cold to kiss * Japanese cars don't start * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training * Vermonters put away bicycles -30 / -34 * You plan a two-week hot bath * Pilsener freezes * Bock beer production begins * Vermonters shovel snow off roof * Lake Champlain freezes in one night -38 / -39 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Vermonters button top button -40 / -40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Vermonters put on sweaters -50 / -46 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * Green Bay Packers practice indoors * Jay Peak reports "cool" temperatures -60 / -51 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Tires go square * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season" * Vermonters put gloves away, take out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -70 / -57 * Glaciers in Central Park * Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets * Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie * Vermont skiers pull out those inside-the-glove hand warming thingies -80 / -62 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Rhinelander Birkebeiner * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby * GORE TEX Freezes Solid -90 / -68 * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles * Canadians migrate to Vermont thinking it MUST be warmer * Green Plaid Freezes Solid -100 / -73 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Vermonters pull down earflaps -173 / -114 * Ethyl alcohol freezes * Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans * Northern Vermont ski elitists finally visit Mt. Snow for warmth -297 / -183 * Microbial life survives only on dairy products * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere * Vermont skiers rejoice, use oxygen for snow substitute -445 / -265 * Superconductivity * Vermont skiers bring out the heavy weather gear * P-Tex falls out of skis -452 / -269 * Helium becomes a liquid * Vermont skiers stop for lunch -454 / -270 * Hell freezes over * Chicago Cubs win world series * Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado * Vermont skiers take a longer lunch -456 / -271 * Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35 * Boston Bob skips a run to warm up -458 / -272 * Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions * Douggie skips a run to warm up -460 / -273 (Absolute Zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Vermonters admit it's getting a mite nippy | ||
| 99savage |
Not trying to top the lad down under or the Vermont Yankee but this was sent by someone in Michigan’s UP who shall remain nameless. (Go Michigan Tech) Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler December 8, 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails & sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway & the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along & covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 Still way below freezing Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, & it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ahole is lying. December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 Merry f--g Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me, not only for the beating, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed | ||
| Wolf102 |
whimps  i was raised in both wisconsin and arizona so i understand. | ||
| Danger_dave |
Auckland. Monday Nice Day, mild Tuesday Showers Clearing, mild Wednesday, Fine, mild Thursday Scattered showers, mild Friday Rain, Mild Saturday Occasional shower, mild Sunday Fine, mild. Pretty much all year round. It amuses me that sometimes in winter the max and min are the same. |
