| Author | Message | ||
     Americanmadexb |
I have a few, but one of the best is.... Mitch Hedberg! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03rpltS4GHs | ||
| Ft_bstrd |
So sorry he's dead. He was genuinely cleaver. | ||
| Danger_dave |
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't. Rodney Dangerfield I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Rodney Dangerfield I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield Life is just a bowl of pits. Rodney Dangerfield Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. Rodney Dangerfield Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. Rodney Dangerfield My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Rodney Dangerfield My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Rodney Dangerfield My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met! Rodney Dangerfield My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Rodney Dangerfield My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. Rodney Dangerfield My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. Rodney Dangerfield One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. Rodney Dangerfield Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Rodney Dangerfield When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! Rodney Dangerfield With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Rodney Dangerfield Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Rodney Dangerfield | ||
| Hughlysses |
Mitch Hedberg was severely funny. Of current comedians, I like Brian Regan and Bob Marley, but musician/comdian Tim Wilson is my favorite: Church League Softball Fist Fight Church League, Softball, Fist Fight Gettin washed in the blood on a Tuesday night What would Jesus do, Lord he wouldn't do that Knock hell outta the preacher with a softball bat Well the swinging Sheppard's from the Sheep of the Savoir were tied with the sourwood church of Christ An example of some highly unholy behavior in a game that had already been protested twice Something unbiblical must have been said for them to be aiming heat at the minister's head Clockin the clergy ain't the thing to do But neither's the high hard one on the 0 and 2 Chorus 2: Church League, Softball, Fist Fight A body layin' on the hands 'neath the left field lights Knockin out four teeth, gettin a busted lip Aint exactly my idea of Christian Fellowship Church League, Softball, Fist Fight Rollin round the pitchers mound it just don't look right where the nice people from the church and the Sunday school class To trade a cup of brotherhood for a can of whoop-ass | ||
| Danger_dave |
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| Glitch |
My favorite...  Brother Dave Gardner | ||
| Cochise |
I think FT_bstrd said it best, Hedberg is/was a hack. Regan, Wright, and Robert Schimmel are the best. | ||
| Ducxl |
Who was that guy who used to play a drunk? Foster Brooks? | ||
| Freezerburn |
"Sasquatch is blurry..." RIP Mitch - you were my absolute fave | ||
| Americanmadexb |
i also love Doug Stanhope! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTOQhPd2Xh4 | ||
| Ft_bstrd |
I think FT_bstrd said it best, Hedberg is/was a hack.  I don't think that's what I said. | ||
| Metalstorm |
Living: Robin Williams Dane Cook Deceased: Sam Kinison George Carlin | ||
| Bads1 |
Buddy Hackett | ||
| Bigdaddy |
Red Foxx. | ||
| Cochise |
You said he was a cleaver. Cleaver's hack.  Foster Brooks is the man. "We told my father he had better quit drinking or he would die, sure ebnough, it killed him, he died last week at one hundred and three." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8L-ZZSc8JU | ||
| Americanmadexb |
that was classic!! | ||
| Ft_bstrd |
Damned errant A's. My spelling is very cleaver. | ||
| Igneroid |
I like Chris Rock: Advantages of having a crack dealer in your neighbourhood....At the right time of day, you can buy a VCR for 5 bucks... | ||
| Miamiuly |
Love steven wright, chris rock and most others listed here, eddie murphy was good in his day and his brother can tell a hell of a story on the chappelle show. This was about as funny a bit as I have ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HHhWzse1co | ||
| Blackbelt |
MITCH FATEL!!!! Come on, Jeff Dunham is good for a good laugh too, But a good one I really like is Bobcat Goldthwat | ||
| 86129squids |
 SAM KINISON BABY!!! Once a Pentecostal preacher, he ended up channeling an entirely different kind of energy in his comedy acts. Also: John Candy RIP fellas. | ||
| Doon |
Some of my Favs In no particular order George Carlin Robert Schimmel Steven Wright Robin Williams | ||
| Swordsman |
I'm lately a fan of Carlos Mencia. Rude as all get out, but a good bit of truth behind it all. However, my favorite is probably Gabriel Iglesias. That dude's hilarious, and really down to earth. Seems like he'd be fun to hang with. His bit on offering a cop donuts had me in tears.  ~SM | ||
| Americanmadexb |
AUGGIE SMITH!!!! http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids. individual&videoid=6769164 | ||
| Skinstains |
how come no-one has mentioned some of the comediens that perform here ? | ||
| Bill0351 |
Andy Kaufman was one of the funniest and strangest comedians I have ever seen. I like the fact that when he was dying of cancer, lots of friends thought it was an elaborate practical joke. I wonder what he would be up to now if he had lived. Bill | ||
| Scottykrein |
Mr Warmth...... Don Rickles. | ||
| Danger_dave |
There is a lot of Don's work on the Dean Martin roasts on You Tube now. | ||
| Metalstorm |
Come on, Jeff Dunham is good for a good laugh too, Oh how I would Love to hang out with him in a toy store. Can you imagine the kids' reactions when the dolls start talking?  He's a genius!  | ||
| Eblanche |
I saw Bob Saget live once. Very funny and VERY dirty! Needless to saY, I had a hell of a time. | ||
| Badlionsfan |
I like many of the listed above, so no need to be redundant. My favorite female comedians are Sara Silverman, Chelsea Handler and Kathleen Madigan. | ||
| Americanmadexb |
Did Someone say Bob Saget? (Message edited by americanmadexb on July 15, 2008) | ||
| P47b |
Carlos Mancia Is great as well as George Carlin. I have had most of Carlins LP's back in the day. Right now It's Chinaman. Why Because you said so. (Message edited by p47b on July 15, 2008) |
