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Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:42 pm: | 
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Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:43 pm: |
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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:45 pm: |
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Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. |
Swordsman
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:46 pm: |
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"There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. "
Dammit! THAT'S the one I was trying to remember! 
~SM |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:48 pm: |
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Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:56 pm: |
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Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint. |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:57 pm: |
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Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. |
Firebolt32
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 01:58 pm: |
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Dammit! THAT'S the one I was trying to remember!
Stop trying...if your anything like me it hurts to try to remember. Use this....http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 02:01 pm: |
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If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 02:06 pm: |
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Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky. |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 02:08 pm: |
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Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 02:12 pm: |
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Chuck Norris is a verb
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com
(I'm done.....(whew!)
(Message edited by greenlantern on May 06, 2008) |
Phat_j
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 08:26 pm: |
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Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. |
Phat_j
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 08:41 pm: |
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Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ••••••• beef.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
and my personal fav
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. |
Djkaplan
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 08:42 pm: |
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I'm in convulsions here... funniest thread ever! |
Djkaplan
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 - 08:47 pm: |
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Everyone of those posts was hilarious... I'm having a laugh-fest here.
Oh man... thanks for the exercise guys! |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 12:01 pm: |
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Can't stay away, this is like Heroin!!
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. |
Jettdawg
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 01:34 pm: |
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A waitress at a local bar and I exchange these whenever I go there, always looking for new ones... found some "new to me" ones in this thread 
Here's a few of my faves:
If you want to send Chuck Norris a letter, just write "Chuck Norris" on the envelope and drop it in any mailbox. Don't worry, he'll get it.
People stop at a Railroad crossing.... Trains stop at a Chuck Norris crossing.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Most people fear the Grim Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
Chuck Norris tested positive for steroids.... He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
(Message edited by jettdawg on May 07, 2008) |
Midknyte
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 02:15 pm: |
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Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
ok, now THAT is new new best Noris'm I've seen |
Greenlantern
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 02:18 pm: |
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Lightning never strikes the same place twice.....because it knows Chuck Norris is looking for it! |
Buellrider11960
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 03:14 pm: |
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when chuck norris gets drunk he does'nt throw up he throws down |
Hammeroid
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 03:35 pm: |
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and now, from the man himself...............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8QAeoFdM5g&feature =related |
Hammeroid
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 03:50 pm: |
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When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris |
Danger_dave
| | Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 - 03:06 am: |
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Nautique4life
| | Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 - 02:08 pm: |
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Chuck Norris shits himself when he looks in a mirror.
Ammo is low, most the good ones have already been used. |
Midknyte
| | Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 - 03:09 pm: |
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Ezblast
| | Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 - 03:41 pm: |
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During the honeymoon? |
Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 - 04:38 pm: |
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That gal's got some stamina, she keeps on coming back for more. |
Igneroid
| | Posted on Friday, May 09, 2008 - 01:55 am: |
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I cant wait till Chuck Norris takes over the world and makes all humans his pets. Then I can have one of them cool beds with my name on it. |
Not_purple_s2
| | Posted on Friday, May 09, 2008 - 12:09 pm: |
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God once made a rock so big that He Himself could not lift it... Chuck Norris now uses it as a paper weight.
(Message edited by not_purple_s2 on May 09, 2008) |
Wolfridgerider
| | Posted on Friday, May 09, 2008 - 12:45 pm: |
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Chuck Norris's dick is so big it has its own dick..... and Chuck Norris's dick's dick is bigger than your dick. |
Not_purple_s2
| | Posted on Friday, May 09, 2008 - 07:09 pm: |
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Legend has it that John Wayne was so tough, he had to use sandpaper to wipe his ass. Chuck Norris is so tough, he uses John Wayne.
Chuck Norris and Dick Cheney once went hunting. There were no survivors.
Bulletproof vests are completely filled with fibers of Chuck Norris' beard.
Chuck Norris can jump start a car by holding both terminals of the battery and flexing.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about rising gas prices. That is because Chuck doesn't use conventional fuel. He simply ejaculates into his gas tank and his car runs perfect for three months of continuous use.
If Chuck Norris sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, another species goes extinct.
Chuck Norris bends space-time. |
Cochise
| | Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 - 05:53 pm: |
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so hard that he missed and his leg went back in time and knocked down Emelia Earharts plane down while it was flying over the Atlantic. |
Cochise
| | Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 - 07:38 pm: |
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It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked an Exclamation Point thusly creating the first ever Question Mark. |
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