| Author | Message | ||
     Wardog3187  |
This is hilarious! A long read but you will ROFLAO!! A friend of mine sent this to me and it probably has made the email rounds in cyber space. I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?) For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that •••• is frickin' EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't •••• for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know, I'm an arsehole, but it was still a funny night. | ||
| Bluzm2  |
Oh My Gawd! I about split a gut reading that one! Too funny! | ||
| U4euh  |
Excuse me while I wipe the tears off my keyboard! | ||
| Seanp  |
Good one, although I'm not sure anyone could possibly mistake MRE ham slice for gourmet food... Too bad Army cooks aren't so inventive! | ||
| Firebolt020283  |
that is too funny (this gives me ideas he he) but it talks about dehidrated stuff so he must be talking about the older ones cuz the ones we have now dont got dehidrated stuff no more, cuz i used to love the dehidrated peaches. | ||
| Xb9rski  |
That is Awesome. Ski | ||
| Outrider  |
Reminds me of the time I was given a case of MRE's by some friends at Camp Pendleton. My wife and daughter wouldn't talk to any of us for a month after that feast! | ||
| Charlieboy6649  |
The newer tan bags are WAY BETTER than the older meals in the brown bags. I actually like them, with the exception of bean burrito... Some things were not meant to be preserved!  | ||
| Rockbiter1 |
How about every soldier's favorite....the infamous Ham and Cheese Omelette? yum yum..just add the entire bottle of tabasco, stir well, and throw it out...you'll thank yourself later  Always did like the dehydrated strawberries... and did anyone ever figure out how to use the dehydrated ketchup? made tomato soup once.... | ||
| Easyflier |
Sound like you were all too late to eat chocolate nut rolls. | ||
| Sportyeric  |
I laughed so hard the offspring demanded to know what was so funny. " Oh. That's nice," they say. When I got out of high school I was trying to decide whether to hitchhike through Europe or hike the Appalachan trail from Montreal-ish to ,what, Florida? My hike-the-trail-buddy cooked us up a dinner (in town) of the freeze-dried food we'd be planning on eating. "Paris. Here I come!," said I. | ||
| Firebolt020283 |
i agree charlie the tan ones are better than the brown ones but still i did like the dried fruits in the brown ones. | ||
| Outrider |
Gosh, sounds like you guys are missing all the fun of eating out of a can. Anyone out there remember the disappointment of getting stuck with a ruck full of "Ham'n'Mother F'ers"??? | ||
| Socoken  |
nothing like pulling that ham slice out and slapping it against the bag to shake the slime and snot off of it. i like that bean and rice burrito with some picante sauce, its one of my favs. having said that, if i wasnt paid to eat them, i wouldnt. Ken | ||
| SouthernMarine  |
Getting ready to fly over and they issued us one for the plane. I got the beef stew. Oh yum, can't wait to open that one up. | ||
| Bcordb3  |
you guys haven't lived until you tried the C-Ration ham and lima beans! | ||
| SouthernMarine |
I'll tell you who had some tasty rat's. The French Foreign Legions. Of course it's been a while, but they used to get issued one big box that had to last them all day. They had some tasty meals. | ||
| Firebolt020283 |
the germans mres arnt that bad. I tryed them when i was in kuwait on my last deployment. | ||
| Seanp |
Pork With Rice in Barbecue Sauce was the best one ever. And I actually liked Omelet With Ham. Does that make me strange? Of the new ones, the Ravioli is good, the Spaghetti is good, (if you add some cheese to it) and I love the Boneless Pork Chop in Jamaican Sauce - the whole MRE is good. It's got the Jalapeno Cheese with the Vegetable Crackers, a Chocolate Mint Pound Cake, and I think it was either M&M's or Skittles. Mmmm... But then again, eating them for three months straight, you kind of lose the taste for them. Sean | ||
| Charlieboy6649 |
I still find it hilarious the mad scramble that ensues when every one opens their meal. People calling aloud things like, "Who's got a Jalapeno Cheese for a Pound Cake!" Everyone trying to get their favorite components... I have to admit, some of the MRE's, like the pork chop as mentioned by Sean are a pretty good all around package, but others are total crap, like the fat fingers of death! | ||
| Seanp |
Oh man, those hot dogs are my mortal enemies - they caused me some major embarrassment one time at NTC. We were on the top of a hill with out ground TAC at the beginning of a battle, and I had eaten the hot dog MRE. Well, it started rumbling, grumbling, and screaming to get out. So I went around the side of the hill to a nice secluded spot, and perched my butt off the edge of a rock. Just as I was in the throes of agony, with the hot dogs fighting their way out my rear-end, the enemy main force attacked, led by their Mi-24 Hind, who decided to fly up over our hill, right on top of me. Needless to say, I'm sure the pilots had a good laugh at my expense...  Glad nothing like that ever happened out in the real war. Talk about an awful way to croak. | ||
| Firebolt020283 |
 maybe sean is why they took those off the menu cuz i havent seen them in about a year or so. but i have noticed something though the nasty ones usually have the best junk food in them. | ||
| Stubby |
OMG! This is too funny. Those ham and m'f'ers were a sight. I didn't know limas came that large? Regards, Stubb | ||
| Shawn_9r  |
When I was in Afghanistan we wrote to the company that makes MRE's and asked for more Jalapeno cheese packs. They send us a nice big box. Needless to say, I can do without the cheese for awhile. Shawn | ||
| Drfuyutsuki |
I personally liked the Ham and Scalloped potatos in the last gen. MRES. THe new ones are pretty good though. S. Marine, I liked the beef stew, its one of the few that taste like what they are supposed to be. The hot dogs weren't to bad if you could make a fire to cook them over instead of the heater packs. Reminds me still need to make an MRE bomb with a couple glow sticks in it and stick it next to my first sergeants GOV. | ||
| Firebolt020283 |
i agree drfuyutsuki the beef stew is my fav out of all of the new ones. | ||
| Shky_jake  |
The beef stew is one of the best. The one I like is the BBQ Beef patty and the wheat snack bread (2). The BBQ sauce and cheese with it. I had a medic tell me to always eat the skittles. He said they will give you 100% of your vit C for the day. My fav junk food is the spice pound cake. Heat that up a little and add some pineapple and you got some good eating. | ||
| Firebolt020283 |
yea shky that beef patty with the bbq sause is good too. |
