| Author | Message | ||
     Vegasbueller  |
Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that........ You can't have your kayak and heat it too. **************************************************************** A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi." **************************************************************** Recently, a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out and past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied " I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh" **************************************************************** An international airliner, bound for England, was held today because of the contents of a passenger's carry on bag. The man, who is a mathmatics professor at Harvard, was arrested. His bag contained a protractor, compass, a slide rule, a book of logarythmic tables and a calculator. He is charged with carrying weapons or math instruction. **************************************************************** A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." **************************************************************** Quasimodo wanted to take a vacation and pleaded with the Bishop to let him take a week off. The Bishop wanted to make sure that the bells would continue to ring, so he posted the position. A man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell." The next day, the dead guy's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below. The same two guys walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?" The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday." **************************************************************** In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything that is, except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks. **************************************************************** Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. **************************************************************** A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. **************************************************************** A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." **************************************************************** A dyslexic man walks into a bra.... **************************************************************** The friars were behind on their bellfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise money. Since everyone like to buy flowers from the holy men, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they refused to do so. He went back and begged them to close. The friars ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified the friars did, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florest friars! **************************************************************** Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which mad him rather frail and with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath. This made him.........(This is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. **************************************************************** Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." **************************************************************** As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer. | ||
| Bryguy269 |
man with hand in pant feel cocky all day | ||
| Bcordb3  |
Vegas Groooooooooooooooooooooooooooooan! Loved everyone of them. | ||
| Vegasbueller |
Bcord... I am definately the man with wayyyy to much spare time at work!  | ||
| Sportyeric  |
So the Buddhist monk walks up to the hot-dog vendor and says,"Make me one with everything." | ||
| Sportyeric |
The monk gives the vendor a twenty dollar bill. The hot-dog vendor gives him a loaded dog and then goes back to fiddling with his cart. The monk says,"Hey.Where's my change?" The vendor replies,"Change must come from within." | ||
| Blake |
Man who fart in church sit in pew. | ||
| Crusty |
What time did the Chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth hurtee. | ||
| Jst |
Confucious says: Man who pees through screen strain himself | ||
| Danny |
Man who use broken turnstyle going to Bangkok. | ||
| Aldaytona  |
Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?" | ||
| Tucsonxb9s  |
ZEN Thoughts for the day. 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt (or drive belt) and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 14. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 17. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 19. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works. 20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 22. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 23. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt...Then things get worse. 24. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 25. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 26. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 27. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. 38. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED. (I thinks #25 applies to everyone here!) | ||
| Bluzm2  |
A guy goes into an adult store to inquire about a inflatable doll. The clerk says they have both kinds. "Both kinds?" the man asks. "Yes", replies the clerk. "We have the regular type and the Islamic type.". The guy looks puzzled and asks "I know about the regular kind but what's the Islamic type?". The clerk replies "The Islamic model blows itself up". | ||
| Midknyte |
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm lookin for the man who shot muh paaaaa" | ||
| Sleez  |
girl who fly upside-down naked, have big hairy crack up! | ||
| Vegasbueller |
Bluzm2: That is so funny! Ohh man.. I like that! (NOt that the Zen thoughts were bad either! Thanks guys... humor is well needed this time of year. Nick | ||
| Charlieboy6649  |
Man who stand on toilet, high on pot... Man who go to bed with ichy butt, wake up with stinky finga... | ||
| Outrider  |
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for #5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become? Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! . Sniff, sniff" "Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy  |
A man go's to the doctors & says Doctor every time I pass wind it makes a noise like a motorcycle. The Doctor replies Ah yes I've read about this problem, just open your mouth please, The man, puzzled, does as the doctor asks, & after looking inside, the doctor says, Yes it's as I thought, You have an abcess. The man,by now completely confused says I don't understand how can an abcess have such an effect? To which the doctor says Oh that's easy, everybody knows that, ABCESS MAKES THE FART GO HONDA | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
You finish? A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk,they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,"So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Danish." |
