| Author | Message | ||
     Ezblast |
http://www.7fire.com/flash/gunplay.swf Satan?!? Just before the church services started Satan suddenly appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for exits, frantic to get away from evil incarnate. Soon all had left except one elderly gentleman, sitting calmly in his pew, oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and asked, in a demanding tone, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't" said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?", persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "But you're still not afraid?", asked Satan. "Nope." Finally, angrily Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old fellow's calm reply, "Been married to your sister for 48 years." I can hear just fine Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis." http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/52/Air+Force+Fun/stream The 37 rules to being a Man..... The 37 rules to being a 'Man' !!! 1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances: - When a heroic dog dies to save its master. - The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. - After wrecking your boss' car. - One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". - When she is using her teeth. 2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional. 7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. 10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts. 11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights: - Yeah, Baby, Push it! - C'mon, give me one more! Harder! - Another set and we can hit the showers! 20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'. Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent. 26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale. 27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. 29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. 31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. 32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good •••-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy. 33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay. 34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either. 36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "get lost!" You are absolved of your of responsibility. 37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man. Funny stuff! - Enjoy! GT - JBOTDS! EZ  | ||
| Spen |
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arse hole before prison...' "  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold." | ||
| Spen |
Subject: FW: Practical guide to worktime ablutions. >>>>> >>>>> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it. >>>>> > We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something >>>>> > brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves >>>>> > otherwise, >>>>> > the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, >>>>> > following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work... >>>>> > >>>>> > CROP DUSTING >>>>> > When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not >>>>> > in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where >>>>> > it >>>>> > came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full >>>>> > fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell >>>>> > has left your pants. >>>>> > >>>>> > FLY BY >>>>> > The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. >>>>> > Walk in and check for other pooers. >>>>> > If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be >>>>> > careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious >>>>> > if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. >>>>> > >>>>> > ESCAPEE >>>>> > A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a >>>>> > poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of >>>>> > embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. >>>>> > Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in >>>>> > the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It >>>>> > is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes >>>>> > both >>>>> > parties feel uneasy. >>>>> > >>>>> > JAILBREAK >>>>> > When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. >>>>> > This >>>>> > is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should >>>>> > happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left >>>>> > the >>>>> > bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. >>>>> > >>>>> > COURTESY FLUSH >>>>> > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. >>>>> > This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the >>>>> > bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF >>>>> > SHAME. >>>>> > >>>>> > WALK OF SHAME >>>>> > Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just >>>>> > stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if >>>>> > someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend >>>>> > that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the >>>>> > COURTESY FLUSH. >>>>> > >>>>> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER >>>>> > A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. >>>>> > You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom >>>>> > with >>>>> > a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the >>>>> > office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. >>>>> > >>>>> > THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) >>>>> > A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing >>>>> > goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the >>>>> > whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. >>>>> > >>>>> > SAFE HAVENS >>>>> > A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least >>>>> > expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite >>>>> > sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the >>>>> > bathroom. >>>>> > >>>>> > TURD BURGLAR >>>>> > Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to >>>>> > force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable >>>>> > moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, >>>>> > remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will >>>>> > avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. >>>>> > >>>>> > CAMO-COUGH >>>>> > A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that >>>>> > you >>>>> > are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to >>>>> > alert >>>>> > potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used inconjunction with >>>>> > an >>>>> > ASTAIRE. >>>>> > >>>>> > ASTAIRE >>>>> > A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that >>>>> > you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall >>>>> > is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately >>>>> > so >>>>> > the pooer can poo in peace. >>>>> > >>>>> > WATERMELON >>>>> > A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This >>>>> > is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming >>>>> > on, >>>>> > create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. >>>>> > >>>>> > HAVANA OMELETTE >>>>> > A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the >>>>> > toilet >>>>> > water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an >>>>> > Astaire. >>>>> > >>>>> > UNCLE TED >>>>> > A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. >>>>> > Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or >>>>> > sitting >>>>> > on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the >>>>> > crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is >>>>> > empty. >>>>> > This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. | ||
| Bartimus |
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." 3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the HOV lane? 7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 17. Stop singing and read on ... 18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? | ||
| Newfie_buell |
You know your a Newfie WHEN!!!!! Those that were here this past summer will understand!!! 1. You never meet any celebrities except Buddy Wasisname and Toni Marie Wiseman. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the "TCH". 3. "Vacation" means going to St. John's for the weekend. 4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular in Toronto. 5. You measure distance in hours when travelling across the province, and full days when measuring distance across the country. 6. You know several people who have hit moose more than once. 7. Your classes were often cancelled because of snow. 8. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 9. You use a down comforter in the summer. 10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow in a raging blizzard - without flinching. 11. Your social life consists of bingo, darts, cards & fishing after 30 and drinking at parties, drinking in the woods and drinking downtown from 16 on. 12. You see people wear hunting clothes or jogging suits to social events. 13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. (SO TRUE) 14. You think of the major four food groups as moose meat, beer, fish and berries and a typical meal portion for you would feed an american for two days. 15. You carry jumper cables in your car and you know how to use them. 16. There are 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the convenience store at any given time. 17. You only own three spices: Salt, Pepper and Ketchup. 18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 19. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent and dresses funny. 21. You think lingerie is a short flannel night dress. 22. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction. 23. It takes 3 hours to go to the store for one item when your in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone you know. 24. You have a satellite dish with 500 channels and you STILL watch the NTV evening news hour religiously. 25. You consider a snow blower a recreational vehicle. 26. Everyone knows a snowmobile in the back of a new truck is a sign of a well off man. 27. You have your own rubber boots & ball cap for picking berries and fishing. 28. The garage, shed, barn, or boat house are acceptable places for grown men and sometimes women to drink and socialize. Gotta be proud to be a Newfoundlander!!!!!!!!! | ||
| Bartimus |
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. | ||
| Spen |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. I've run away to join a different circus. MY FAVOURITE AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'John'.' | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. ''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.'' *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. ''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.'' *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. ''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.'' | ||
| Ethanr |
BlondeStar <http://humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://timmerca.com/attachmen t/7239/original/> | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. The wife asked, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" To which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old" The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?" |
