| Author | Message | |||
     Pwnzor |
LOL | |||
| Tootal |
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Jiu-Jitsu?" He says "No, why would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick." | |||
| Alfau |
Bush blacks are a weird mob in a different kind of way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BnEqWnBQYE | |||
| Pwnzor |
That was awesome. | |||
| Alfau |
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed but then I stopped.' The priest said, Thinking about doing it is the same . You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £20 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I thought about putting the money in the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' | |||
| Brother_in_buells |
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| Midknyte |
Scientists removed the right half of a mans brain, then they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!" | |||
| Sifo |
A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college: “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful. When their father’s time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, it was the doctor who put newly printed, crisp $1,000 bill onto the chest of the deceased Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. She is now running for President of the United States. | |||
| Froggy |
I always date women in wheel chairs because they're easier to push around. | |||
| Griffmeister |
True story, I was going down the highway today when I was passed by an espresso truck in the fast lane. Wish I had a camera with me. | |||
| Sifo |
Hillary and Donald walk into a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says; “The media is really tearing you apart for that Scandal.” Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries? ” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?” Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?” Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “Being the mastermind of the so-called “Arab Spring” that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa?” Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi?” Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?” Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the “moderate” terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya? Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII?” Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? ” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ ?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean the INSIDER TRADING of the Tyson chicken deal I did where I invested $1,000 and the next year I got $100,000?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean when Bill met with Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, just before my hearing with the FBI to cut a deal?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “ You mean the one where my IT guy at Platte River Networks asked Reddit for help to alter emails?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean where the former Haitian Senate President accused me and my foundation of asking him for bribes?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean that old video of me laughing as I explain how I got the charges against that child rapist dropped by blaming the young girl for liking older men and fantasizing about them. Even though I knew the guy was guilty? Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean that video of me coughing up a giant green lunger into my drinking glass then drinking it back down?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean that video of me passing out on the curb and losing my shoe?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean when I robbed Bernie Sanders of the Democratic Party Nomination by having the DNC rig the nomination process so that I would win?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean how so many people that oppose me have died in mysterious was?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “Travel Gate? When seven employees of the White House Travel Office were fired so that friends of Bill and mine could take over the travel business? And when I lied under oath during the investigation by the FBI, the Department of Justice, the White House itself, the General Accounting Office, the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, and the Whitewater Independent Counsel?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “The scandal where, (while I was Secretary if State), the State Department signed off on a deal to sell 20% of the USA’s uranium to a Canadian corporation that the Russians bought, netting a $145 million donation from Russia to the Clinton Foundation and a $500,000 speaking gig for Bill from the Russian Investment Bank that set up the corporate buyout?. That scandal?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “That time I lied when I said I was under sniper fire when I got off the plane in Bosnia?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “That time when after I became the First Lady, I improperly requested a bunch of FBI files so I could look for blackmail material on government insiders?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “That time when Bill nominated Zoe Baird as Attorney General, even though we knew she hired illegal immigrants and didn’t pay payroll taxes on them?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “When I got Nigeria exempted from foreign aid transparency guidelines despite evidence of corruption because they gave Bill a $700,000 in speaking fees?” Trump” “No, the other one.” Hillary: “That time in 2009 when Honduran military forces allied with rightist lawmakers ousted democratically elected President Manuel Zelaya, and I as then-Secretary of State sided with the armed forces and fought global pressure to reinstate him?” Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware, when Bill left Office?” Trump: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one”. | |||
| Crusty |
I'll be glad when the election is over. | |||
| Sifo |
These days, that's just when the next election starts. It's a big part of the problem! | |||
| Alfau |
Just Think ! The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather". Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: "Muslim Weather" (Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite) America next. | |||
| Alfau |
Jason Came home one night from the pub .. stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”. St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. The feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay another egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you shit the bed!” | |||
| Midknyte |
http://boingboing.net/2016/10/26/great-moments-in- space-history.html#more-490721 | |||
| Alfau |
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Brisbane, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. | |||
| Aesquire |
http://www.theonion.com/article/new-voting-booths- lock-americans-inside-45-minutes-54545 | |||
| Reepicheep |
Alfau, I removed your post, because the link looked suspicious (like it might be malicious). Maybe it was just broken, or maybe a really odd looking link for sharing. Even if not malicious, it looked like the kind of link that might work for you but wouldn't work for anyone else. Anyway, I'm not at a machine where I can safely investigate it right now, so I pulled it. Nothing personal, and I'm not sure it was malicious or broken, and don't know if it was inappropriate or anything. I am just playing it safe for board members. | |||
| Reepicheep |
http://www.theonion.com/article/clinton-staff-read ies-emp-launch-disable-all-natio-54570 | |||
| Alfau |
pps doc.. Try again.
| |||
| Reepicheep |
.pps is powerpoint. But you named the file with an mp4 extension (a video format). But it is there with a .unk extension (unknown type). Changing extension types is sometimes a method used by malware to avoid controls designed to block it. I wouldn't touch it... | |||
| Badlionsfan |
I want to visit Norway, but right now I can't a-fjord it. | |||
| Airbozo |
 | |||
| Midknyte |
http://sploid.gizmodo.com/cowboy-in-a-t-rex-costum e-is-the-best-thing-about-this-1788500965?utm_sour ce=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A +jalopnik%2Ffull+%28Jalopnik%29 | |||
| Alfau |
"Warning" political content. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q714l4KU77U | |||
| Hootowl |
Interesting. Slicing and dicing trump's words to make it look like he said something he didn't say. That's not a joke, that's just American news outlets. Those are the joke.  | |||
| Pwnzor |
The real joke is a mental defective in a former penal colony telling us about our politics. | |||
| Crusty |
Is a penal colony one where they grow ... Uh; never mind. | |||
| Hootowl |
Perhaps you're thinking of a penal farm. |
