| Author | Message | ||
     Sifo |
A young guy from N.J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65." The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. "Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, "So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft." "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'" | ||
| Sifo |
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' | ||
| Sifo |
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' | ||
| Sifo |
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
How to tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer: QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying a Glock 17 and you are an expert shot; however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? ANSWER: BRITISH POLICE OFFICER: Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings? 9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society? 11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me; My job, My credibility and the loss of my family home? AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER: BANG! AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'Click'... Switch Magazines... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'Click'... (Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!'). | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it." __________________ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. He will now be your career!' The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead... Show me what you bought!' | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guys had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." | ||
| Midknyte |
no joke, just goooofy random vid to share http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8CeP15EAS8 | ||
| Aesquire |
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| Mr_grumpy |
Lol, that's just plain mean. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
SCOTTISH EXAMINATION BOARD DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2008 *HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL* *PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS FROM YOUR REGION* GLASGOW REGION Name........................................... Nickname...................................... Gangname.............................. 1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram? 2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single? 3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final? 4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres? 5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief? -------------------------------------------------- -------------------- EDINBURGH/BORDERS REGION Name.......................................... Rugby Club........................................... Daddy's Company........................................... ...... 1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets? 2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have? 3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle . His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate? 4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone? 5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living? -------------------------------------------------- ------- HIGHLANDS REGION Name.................................. Glen............................... Clan.......................................... 1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss? 2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids? 3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised? 4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures? Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I got arrested as I left Sainsbury’s. “Forgot to put it back” I pleaded. “Honest mistake.” I still got charged with indecent exposure. __________________________________________________ ______________________________________ Subject: California. Do you know what happened 163 years ago this fall... Back in 1850? California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands. __________________________________________________ ______________________________________ On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough. "That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!" On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?" __________________________________________________ ______________________________________ Just been doing some cooking and managed to get some herbs in my eyes it stings like mad and has left me parsley sighted .... __________________________________________________ ______________________________________ Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over, lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
1. U can't count your hair 2. U can't wash your eyes with soap 3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out Put your tongue back in fool. -------------------------------------------------- -------------------- 10 Things I know about you... 1) U are reading this 2) U are human. 3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips 4) U just attempted to do it 6) U are laughing at yourself 7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No .5 8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5 9) U laugh at this because everyone does it too. 10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. | ||
| Midknyte |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUyWJ-2j4j0 | ||
| Baybueller |
Mr.G, I've not been to your side of the pond but feel I know it better from your posts.  | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic= 814 I find this concept just mucking hilarious. On so many levels. Maybe it's just me. | ||
| Sifo |
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered awhile this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?" The people were totally dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a very wise Vet," they said. "How on earth did you know we got the cow from Scotland? The Vet replied with a far-away distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
This one is especially for Mr XB1125r wherever he may be. "Dad Dad, there's a man at the door with a bill." "Don't be silly son, it must be a duck with a hat on." | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/09/10/are-you -a-model-husbands-hilarious-responses-after-waking -up-from-surgery-and-not-knowing-who-his-wife-is/ I must remember this if I ever have surgery..... | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
That's all very well til your wife leans over from the other side of your hospital bed & frostily says "No, she's the nurse!" | ||
| Uncle |
JUST FRED - Humor An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. ... 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing. | ||
| Jramsey |
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. | ||
| Aesquire |
http://videos.komando.com/watch/3995/viral-videos- dutch-army-bicycle-band?utm_medium=nl&utm_source=a sd&utm_content=2013-09-19-fifl-tvkim-cta Forget for a second or so the silliness. Admire the skill and dedication it takes to perform this act. Be glad that such things exist in our world. Then enjoy how silly this is. | ||
| Sifo |
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis | ||
| Sifo |
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| Bluzm2 |
This one is close to the edge but funny... A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!'' | ||
| Aesquire |
http://chillingkoala.com/post/31787 | ||
| Sifo |
Aesquire, that's worth posting without the link!   |
