| Author | Message | ||
     Cochise |
Pierre, the Great Fighter Pilot, was out with his new lady and after dinner she says, "kiss me!" He breaks out red wine and pours it on her lips, she gurgles, "what are you doing?" He says, "I am Pierre, the great fighter pilot, when I eat red meat, I drink red wine!" and they kiss for a few moments. She then says, "kiss me on my breasts!" He breaks out white wine and pours it on her, she says, "What are you doing?" He says, "I am Pierre, the great fighter pilot, when I eat white meat, I love white wine!" and he caresses her bosom and kisses her chest passionately for a few minutes. She then says, "Take me Pierre, and ravage me under my skirt with your tongue!" Pierre takes some Cognac, pours it on her and throws a match between her legs, and she screams, "What the hell are you doing?" He exclaims, "I am Pierre, the great fighter pilot, and when I go down, I will go down in flames!!" | ||
| Oldog |
What is the difference between a prostitute and a contractor? The prostitute gets kissed once in a while .. | ||
| Alfau |
Sue Wong marries Lee Wong, The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him.. "Sum Ting Wong" | ||
| Sifo |
Condom History In 1272 - Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 - The British somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the goat first. | ||
| Bolthead |
TRUE STORIES: While the doctor was acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, he asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? ' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about 24 years - when my husband was alive.' ----- A doctor was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man he asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. ' ---- A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .. . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. While she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. ' ----- A new, young MD was doing his residency in OB. He was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing him. He looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . 'Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.' ----- A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.' | ||
| Sifo |
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to describe Easter. The first blonde said, "Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks, and eat turkey. St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes," and banished her from heaven. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts. St. Peter said "Wrong," and he banished her from heaven. St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, "OK . . . you tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hanged Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder." St. Peter was impressed. "Verrrrry good," he said. The blonde continued, "Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted. | ||
| 86129squids |
 Good one Sifo- forwarded that one to my chaplain sis! | ||
| Sifo |
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any," replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?" | ||
| 99savage |
Probably a re-post but I don't care The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking." | ||
| Sifo |
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........ The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." | ||
| Sifo |
Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US bank notes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes -- all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked. We never knew we had a library." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers And the wife said 'you spoil those dogs' __________________________________________________ __ All this religious sh*t.............. Taoism Sh*t happens. Buddhism If sh*t happens, it's not really sh*t. Islam If sh*t happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestantism Sh*t happens because you don't work hard enough. Judaism Why does this sh*t always happen to us? Hinduism This sh*t happened before. Catholicism Sh*t happens because you're bad. Hare Krishna Sh*t happens rama rama. T.V. Evangelism Send more sh*t. Atheism No sh*t! Jehova's Witness Knock knock, sh*t happens. Hedonism There's nothing like a good sh*t happening. Christian Science Sh*t happens in your mind. Agnosticism Maybe sh*t happens, maybe it doesn't. Rastafarianism Let's smoke this sh*t. Existentialism What is sh*t anyway? Stoicism This sh*t doesn't bother me. __________________________________________________ _____________ It's boring being a lift operator, so I've turned it into a game. At the moment I'm on Level 6. __________________________________________________ ______ Me and my blonde girlfriend were walking in a field when she asked "What's that?" I said "It's a cow pat." She said "Get away, a cow's got legs..... and my name's Sandra." __________________________________________________ _____________ A son asked his mother the following question: ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies: ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? ' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: Son, all household appliances come in white.' (He'll be out of intensive care shortly) | ||
| Bolthead |
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative definitions to common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. The Post also asked readers to take any word, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners are: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and a butthole. | ||
| 86129squids |
 OMG, Bolt, that made my day! Supergood, thanx! | ||
| Sifo |
Just keep looking. Eventually you will get it.  | ||
| 86129squids |
Weird. He looks too thin to have man-boobs. Then again, glancing at everyone in the pics, they look Asian. Sometimes they get weird ideas, maybe his wife is preggers of something. Hell, I dunno. His shirt looks comfy though.  | ||
| Hootowl |
I can think of several reasons a man might wear a bra. Most of them have to do with bets and dares. Or college. | ||
| Hootowl |
I'm also assuming it is a man. Could be a woman with short hair. And man hands. He or she also appears to be wearing a purse. | ||
| Alfau |
Two nuns in their car waiting at traffic lights, A car load of young men pull up alongside. “Oi, get your tits out you penguins” shouts one of the hooligans. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Imaculada “I don’t think they know who we are, show them your Cross” So Sister Imaculada winds down her window and shouts, “Piss off you little wankers before I rip your bollocks off” ! | ||
| Andersonhdj |
Irish filling station A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.' | ||
| Andersonhdj |
Retirement will never be the same again! One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings?" "They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale." | ||
| Alfau |
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) | ||
| Alfau |
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. | ||
| Sifo |
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish!?!?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ‘em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ‘em home." "What a line of baloney….you’re under arrest." The redneck said, "It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck. MORAL OF THE STORY: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' | ||
| Sifo |
And now, a word from our sponsors... | ||
| Jramsey |
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. | ||
| Sifo |
Man/Woman conversation... Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where’s your Ferrari? | ||
| Sparky |
Seen on a tee-shirt in an accessory shop at the Galleria:
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