| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the Beltway. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped all of our representatives & senators during a sitting of congress, and they're asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gas and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon." __________________ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I was in a bar on Saturday night... had a few... and I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them chirped, "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough It passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it. | ||
| Chauly |
What's the difference between a prestidigitator and an all-blonde chorus line? The prestidigitator has an array of cunning stunts. | ||
| Alfau |
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.' All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?' The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her ass in it.' | ||
| Brumbear |
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home. Sure enough, I encountered a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it! If you know of anybody missing a bus, please let me know so I can arrange to return it. | ||
| Griffmeister |
I've been waiting for Mr G. to post this but he hasn't so I guess I have to do it for him. The local church was in need of a bell ringer so the priest put a wanted sign out front expecting the position to be filled in a few days. Weeks go by with no response when a man with no arms approaches the priest and asks for the job. The priest explains that the man could not possibly perform the duties but he insists and begs for the opportunity to demonstrate. The priest reluctantly agrees and since it is near 3 o'clock he leads the man up the bell tower to sound the hour. Once there the priest says," I don't see how but if you can sound the hour then the job is yours." With that the man takes a running start, leaps off the platform and lands face first on the bell and bounces back to the platform as the bell emits a full bodied tone. Again the man runs and leaps at the bell for the second hour. On his last approach to sound the third hour the man trips near the edge of the platform, misses the bell completely and fall to his death on the floor below. Horrified, the priest runs down the stairs to see if anything could be done. At the same time, a passerby runs up to see what happened. Upon seeing the scene he asks the priest," Who is that man?" The priest looks up and says, This is for you Mr G. Are you ready? " I don't know, but his face rings a bell." | ||
| Crusty |
The next day, another man with no arms approaches the priest for the job. When the priest refuses, citing the horrible end the previous ringer came to, the man explains that he's the brother of the of the first man. He accepts that the priest doesn't want to hire him, but he would like to be the bell ringer for his brother's funeral. The priest agrees to this, and when it's time to ring the bell during the funeral, the man runs along the platform in the bell tower, slips and falls to his death. Another passer by runs up and asks the priest who he was, and the priest says, are you ready? this is for you, guys, "I don't know; but he's a dead ringer for his brother!" | ||
| Blake |
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| Crusty |
Today is Sinko the Mayo. On this date in History The epic battle between the Hellmann's fleet and the Miracle Whip armada occurred. The repercussions quickly spread across condiments, but it was a dry and tasteless victory, leaving people with a bitter taste in their mouths. The Earl of Sandwich was visibly diminished, and stated that life had lost much of its flavor. The French were quick to try to take advantage of the situation with their mustard, but many thought it was a yellow and cowardly act. However, the Grey Poupon did try to spice things up a bit. In Heinz sight, it should have been expected that that others would try to Ketchup. To this day, it's often discussed around dinner tables at mid day. | ||
| Brumbear |
A, B, CD Puppies MNO Puppies OSAR CM, PN  | ||
| Brumbear |
If you didn't get it read it with a Spanish accent | ||
| Sifo |
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating down a river? BOB! | ||
| Sifo |
A conversation in heaven... SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking; from the attic and all the way down into the basement, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer--- we'd both still be alive. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
What do you call a man with a piece of pork on his head? Ahmed. What do you call a man with 2 bits of pork on his head? Mohammed. What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward. What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head? Edward Woodward. What do you call an Irishman with double glazing on his head? Paddy O'Doors. | ||
| Britchri10 |
What do you call a man with a piece of pork on his head standing between two rows of houses? Mohammed Alley. What do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims the English Channel? "Clever Dick" Hat do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What do you call an Irishman who's been buried for 30 years? Pete. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. __________________ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks, we went upstairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said, "I hope that's not that fat one from last week". The girl said "What the f**k was that?" I replied "It's that bastard memory foam mattress". | ||
| Gunut75 |
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| Moxnix |
Apple just introduced a new app for pirates....the i-Patch. | ||
| Crusty |
A rich blond buys the New Automatic BMW X6 Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, But at night the car just won't move at all. She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck. She then furiously calls the BMW dealer and they send out a technician to her, the technician asks: Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?? Full of anger, the blond replies: You fool, idiot man, how could you ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! "I use D for the Day and N for the Night".. | ||
| Aeholton |
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..." | ||
| Reepicheep |
JB2, Ferris and I are sitting on chairs in front of a Franklin hotel Jim leans over and says "It's windy today!". I stop, think for a second, and say "No, it's Thursday". Ferris thinks for a second, and says "Me too. Lets get a beer." I think this getting old stuff might work out after all...  | ||
| Alfau |
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER : $2.00? HAMBURGER : $2.25? CHEESEBURGER : $2.50? CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50? HAND JOB : $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am". The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger". | ||
| Oldog |
A true story: A friend of mine takes his wife to Myrtle Beach SC for an afternoon, they stop in to a little hole in the wall called the bowery. While in side enjoying a beer, a hooker walks up to my friend and propositions him in front of his wife. "For 200$ I will do any thing you want", He replies,"Any thing?", "Yes" she says intimating lurid sexual acts, Again he Asks "Any thing?", She replies "any thing at all", In front of the hooker, He asks his wife for 200$ and tells the hooker he wants her to "paint the house"..... The best part of the story is his wife told me....... =) | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle... The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'I say, my good man, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from." Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewellery comes from." ____________________________________________ I used coconut shampoo today now I'm too shy to go out Someone's pumped nitrous oxide into all my onions! I don't know whether to laugh or cry "I've bought my lumberjack friend an old clock." - "Analogue?" - "No, just a clock. Why would I get him a log? He's a fecking lumberjack." If you're not part of the solution, it probably means you're not soluble You`re never more than 20ft away from an unverifiable statistic. Not gonna lie. Before Google I used to constantly Encyclopedia Britannica myself. __________________ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
TO DO LIST. 1. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public. 2. Hire 2 private investigators. Get them to follow each other. 3. Wear a shirt that says "LIFE". Hand out lemons on busy street corner. 4. Get into a crowded elevator & say "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today". 5.Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that. 6. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It Worked" & run out cheering. 7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula. 8. Change name to Simon. Speak in third person. 9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot". 10. Buy 4 Lions harness them to a cart. Pull up outside the butchers. Walk in, throw him some keys & say "Fill it up". (Message edited by Mr_grumpy on June 10, 2012) | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Took my Mrs to the Doctors about her Tourettes problem. Who'd have thought it, Turns out I really am a f****** ars***** c***!!! | ||
| Alfau |
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....This is your grandma's idea; last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. ' |
