| Author | Message | ||
     Bott |
Feels very strange typing this out, but here goes...I am about to have a death in the family.My Dad's sister,Maria, his only living relative,is in Hospice and only has days left. She is 77 and in complete renal failure. They have stopped dialysis, and removed her catheter,since she is passing no urine. It's been decided she is too weak for any further dialysis, and her wishes were to not be on any type of life support.She is unable to do much more than open her eyes for a moment. During a semi lucid time last week she was asked what she wanted. She replied "freedom". She has been in a nursing home type facility for the past 2 years,and was always an avid hiker and mushroom hunter. She retired from G.E. after 35 years as a computer programmer. My Dad and her,with their parents came to America in 1948 from Ukraine. I never met my grandfather, as he died young way before I was born. I have great memories of my grandmother, a tough old "Ukey". My aunt Maria lived a private life, choosing to not marry, and live at home with her mother.At home they spoke Ukrainian,but obviously Maria was fluent in English.She learned English,and worked her way to a college degree in Computer programming, a brand new field at the time. All three were extremely proud to be American Citizens,and the Citizenship Papers were all on display in the family house. Maria saved money all her life,and enjoyed her retirement,collecting Social Security and a nice pension from G.E. Once she was placed in the facility, Medicare took over her care, and slowly took every dime she had ever saved,but that is another topic I guess my main reason for posting this is that I am torn with the decision as whether to go see her one last time, or keep my memories of her the way they are. My Mom and Dad are there every day, and tell me she is unable to speak or anything more than a second of opening her eyes. I know that whether I go see her, or choose not to, I will regret either decision.Certainly if she were lucid, and would know I was by her side-I would be there in a flash. When I was in my early twenties, my best friend died in a d.w.i. accident.Unfortunately, my "minds eye" memory of him is that of him lying in a casket. That was the last wake I ever attended were I viewed the deceased. I would much rather remember Maria as a living,lucid person,than to remember her lying on her death-bed. On the other hand, if there is a one percent chance of her seeing and knowing that me and my family are there with her,I'd be best to get right down there. I feel selfish and guilty already, and she hasn't even passed yet.Feels crappy worrying about MY feelings, when Maria is the one dying. I know this is a decision I have to make on my own, but somehow posting it here feels right at the moment.Thanks for reading,and I hope none of you have to face an agonizing decision like this. Pauly | ||
| S1wmike |
Go and see her every minute you can. I lost my mom to cancer in June 2007 and she was in a very similar heath conditions as you described. Even in that state of health she knew I was there. It is probably the most difficult thing you can do is watch someone you love die in front of you when you can do nothing about it. Go there tell her you love her and be there to say goodbye (Message edited by S1wmike on August 21, 2009) | ||
| Buellinachinashop |
My mother and I faced very similar situations with my grandparents who passed 3 weeks apart. If this is family, you should spend time with her. You already seem to be on the fence with guilt. Go make a final visit and say goodbye. I garuntee you that you'll feel 100% better. Think of how your parents will feel if you go. They have to be going through a tough time too and I'm sure will appreciate your caring. | ||
| Pammy |
"I would much rather remember Maria as a living,lucid person,than to remember her lying on her death-bed. " From my own personal experience, I believe that this would be her wish as well. Whatever you do or don't do,it will be the right decision for you.} | ||
| Bcordb3 |
Bott, It is your decision, Your aunt sounds like a beautiful person, she deserves to have the folks who loved her around her as she passes on. S1 says it all, well put MIke, and well put Bott. God bless aunt Maria, she will rest in peace and get her freedom. | ||
| Hexangler |
I am still haunted by the memory of my father on the floor at 4:30 am suffering a stroke. I still remember his last breath. His last hour in ICU. His open casket, five years later. But it's not the only thing I remember of him, in fact, if I hadn't been there during all that, there would still be doubt that it really happened. I'm grateful for the closure. Not so sure about the suffering part. Went through the hospice thing with Kathleen's dad just one year before my dad's death. We took care of him for 4 years until we couldn't, Alzheimer's is a difficult degenerative disease. I Remember just two years earlier, my grandfathers open casket. He was the lucky one, died in his sleep at the age of 80, I had been over to see him and my grandma earlier that week. Loosing 3 elders in just a few short years kind of gets one down. Riding the XB, hiking to tops of mountains, and fishing for tasty little trout, I take those three with me in my memories. It's your decision. The rest of my family was glad I was around. | ||
| Rotzaruck |
It's been many years since my Mother's sister died after a long horrible fight with cancer. My Mom was there, I was there, my aunt's son was not. My Mom still has some strong sad feelings about that. Think about what's best for you, think more about what's best for others. Lot's of things in life we only get one chance. I hate that you and your family are having to go through this. You folks will be on the list. | ||
| Blake |
Be there. You'll still remember all the good times. | ||
| Leftcoastal |
She'll know you're there. Love is a 2 way thing, and she could use all she can get right now. Let her know it's alright to go. | ||
| Teeps |
My Step Dad of 40 years passed away in April/09, just short of 93. He too was in hospice care at home for 8 days. The hospice people provided a small booklet called Gone From My Sight: The Dying Process, it explains what is going on. And, should help you deal with the final days of your dear Aunt. http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/proces s.htm May God rest her soul... (Message edited by teeps on August 21, 2009) | ||
| Reindog |
My mom died of lung cancer when I was 15. I was with her the night before she died and even though she couldn't recognize me, it was a good thing to be close to her soul. I still remember the happy times and that last night never marred my memory of her. It is hard but I would suggest that you be close to her. Her spirit is still intact even if it is hidden from view. Go see her. Thank you for sharing this poignant story as it has uplifted me. She really is an incredible person. | ||
| Rocketsprink |
my Grandmother died in the Hospital when I was in the room. This was 3 years ago. She just stopped breathing and was gone. The day before she was sitting up and talking to us. I only remember when she died when I wan to remember. Otherwise, I only remember the good times. I am glad, however, she didn't die alone. I'm glad I was there. | ||
| Hughlysses |
Pauly- it's a tough choice to make and tougher thing to do. My Dad died ~5 years ago; we sat with him for 3 days straight in hospice care. He had been hospitalized several weeks prior and would seem to improve and then relapse. He remained unconcious after took his last turn for the worst and I never got to talk to him again, but I'm glad I was there at the end. Thankfully I've been able to forget most of those 3 days, or at least avoid remembering them. My mom on the other hand would recollect them in detail every time she thought about them until she died last year. She just never could get a grip on the whole hospice concept. Like the others have said, think it through and do what's right for you. You're in our thoughts and prayers. | ||
| Bads1 |
Everyone deals with death in a different way. The best you can do is follow your heart. | ||
| Krassh |
I would say go be with her. I recently lost my Grandmother at 97 and I went back for 3 weeks to sit with her every day. She still had some lucid days and we had some great talks so it was a little different. I know what you mean though as toward the end she was not aware of much but I believe she knew I was there. She passed away as I was flying back to California. It is a personal decision and I do not like funerals and wakes either. I believe she knew this and that is why she passed when she did so I would not be there for those things. Just my thoughts and personal experiences. | ||
| Ulynut |
My Grandfather was my hero. I still tell people about him all the time. At the age of 83 he had a severe stroke. Everyone, including him, knew he wouldn't make it. I went to the hospital to see him one last time. I had the same thoughts as you about remembering him in the hospital bed. I dreaded that visit. When I walked into the room, he looked bad, almost miserable. But as soon as he realized I was standing there, his eyes lit up. He died an hour later. I'm glad I went to see him. | ||
| 99savage |
Was the one holding my mother & mother-in-law when they passed. Nothing unexpected but glad I was there, especially for my mother-in-law. We never got along until she had her stroke & came to stay near us. - She let her sense of humor hang out (a ribald one @ that). - When I was holding her I knew with not the slightest hint of doubt there was a fully functioning spirit there that wanted to be held by a human until released by God. Funerals are for the living. Make peace w/ everybody, especially the ones that really, really need a slap. Drink to excess. - Don't look @ the casket if you don't want to. Nobody will notice. Done some of my best thinking after funerals. (Message edited by 99Savage on August 21, 2009) | ||
| Kmbuell |
I understand where you are at. My wife has pancreatic cancer that has spread to her lungs and liver. I have no idea of how long she has left, only that she is still here 14 months into an average lifespan of 5.5 months after diagnosis. I didn't view an open casket of a co-workers wife who passed suddenly a few months ago, just couldn't make my legs take me up there. I want to remember Cathy as she was, but I'm living with her as she is. I've come to the reality of this is also part of her life and we need to enjoy it as we go along for the ride. You will always remember the good time, but you need to be there now for her. Life ends, it's a part of living. There are a few very good books that can help you understand. Godspeed to your aunt. | ||
| Nevrenuf |
bott, i am truly sorry and will say a prayer for her. i just lost my sister a week and a half ago. i at least got to see her for the first time in 20 years last month. i had reservations for this weekend when those plans had to be changed. i wasn't the only one that she didn't have contact with and they to are quite upset at what has happened. 3 of them weren't even able to get to the viewing last saturday and that just complicated things for them even more. do what you have. i have no regrets going and seeing her in that condition. i just wish i had a second chance. (Message edited by nevrenuf on August 22, 2009) (Message edited by nevrenuf on August 22, 2009) | ||
| Brumbear |
Well a tough one for sure first off I am sorry for your loss. Please let me ask you a question that you must ask yourself. When you leave this world and we all will would you want to say goodbye to loved ones and friends or would you like to be alone? Sorry to put it this way as I know no other way and there is no right or wrong answer just truth/ I know for me I want NO ONE TO MOURNE role out the keg and the tallamores and have a right proper party as I love life and the party life is but when I am on my way don't be a stranger be a friend or better yet a loved one and come and say goodbye let me take your smile and love with me on my journey. I am truly sorry for your impending loss and hope you find peace and happyness in whatever decision you make. Dave Tweed | ||
| Just_ziptab |
Papa ziptab did the pneumonia/stroke/fluid on the heart thing a few months ago. He's 90 and a full days drive away. At first,I wanted to remember him as the last time I was there for a visit.....self reliant and on his own,living very happily, alone with all the peace and quiet he loved. He wasn't supposed to survive this ordeal,but he has more will power than most and is now in assisted living,neart normal condition with the exception of short term memory loss. When I went to see him,as soon as I walked into the room, we touched each other souls. His condition improved by leaps and bounds after my visit. Whats sad is that he gets up at 6:00 A.M and just sits and stares straight ahead all day unless somebody is talking to him. He partakes in the conversation"just like normal",but when the conversation stops,the switch turns off and he stares again. He goes to bed at 9:00 and you have to wonder what he is thinking about all day. He could live to be 100,but said ten years ago that 90 was enuf. It's up to him now ,I guess. | ||
| Pammy |
Kmbuell, I am deeply sorry for your situation. It must be terribly difficult for you and your family. I hope you all find peace. Take good care. | ||
| Bill0351 |
I made the decision to not see my Grandfather when he was on his death-bed. I put a lot of thought into it, talked to my mother about it, and I thought I did the right thing. It has bothered me ever since. Sure, my last memory of him will never be of him near the end, but 14 years after he has passed, I don't think much of the last years of his life anyway. I think of all the stuff from much earlier when he was athletic, strong, and not too much older than I am now. It's just my perspective though. It's such a personal thing, it's tough to take direction from someone else's experience. It's a tough situation to deal with, but the fact that you have put so much thought into it shows what kind of person you are when it comes to family. If your heart is in the right place, any decision you come to will be the right one, or at least one you can live with. Bill | ||
| 86129squids |
Time waits for no one. Go see her, even though it'll be painful. It's up to you to handle your feelings about it, but once she's left her mortal coil, she's gone. I understand and respect your ideas about remembering her as a strong, hale and hearty woman, but you've only a little time to be with her- regardless of her condition. God bless you both, and I pray for her passing to be peaceful. | ||
| Bott |
Lost her Sunday morning. I hope she is with her Mom and Dad now, and free at last. I had planned to go see her Sunday afternoon, but the phone call came early. Thanks to all for the kind words.Pegs will be down this evening if the rain ever stops. Pauly | ||
| S1wmike |
My Condolences and may you take comfort that she is at peace now. | ||
| Roadcouch98 |
Paul, Sorry to hear of Your loss. May Your aunt Rest In Peace. Roadcouch98 | ||
| Themagster |
I don't know you Paul, but my hear goes out to you. Wishing you peace in the days ahead... | ||
| Nevrenuf |
sorry for your loss bott and may she rest in peace. | ||
| Lemonchili_x1 |
Sorry to hear that Bott. Our thoughts are with you and your family. Chili & Vamps | ||
| Vampress |
'She was comforted by one of the simpler emotions which some humans are lucky enough to experience. She knew when she died she would be watched over by someone she loved'-Noel Annan. Godspeed. |
