| Author | Message | ||
     Doughnut |
By abuse of my offical powers I have discovered my father's address and phone number. I have never met the man. He lives about 250 miles from me. I am not sure if I should call him, ignore what I've learned, or just show up at his door step. Thoughts? (On a side note, I am in desperate need of a Power Wheels Corvette [prefer black] for my Halloween outfit.) | ||
| Gentleman_jon |
This is a matter that most likely will benefit from considerable forethought. Having obtained his identity by irregular means, and then appearing unannounced on his doorstep could generate a spontaneous and joyful reunion, but the odds appear to be against it: the fact that he has not tried to make contact with you after all these years suggests he might not be too happy to see you unannounced. Now that you know who he is, you might do some research about him, and also get in touch with groups that specialize in reuniting adopted children with their birth fathers and mothers. Easy does it, would be my suggestion. | ||
| Doughnut |
Gonnna take a lot of time thinking about it., and just to clearify, he walked out on my mother. Was no an adoption situation. He seems to have married. Can't help but wonder if he has other children, and if she or they know about me. | ||
| Bartimus |
It might be better perhaps, to send him a letter. Explain how you found him, and why you are looking for him. I'm sure he had his reasons for walking out, whether they are good or bad, makes no difference anymore. Time has passed and he has started another family. His current family may have no knowledge of the fact he has any children from a previous marriage or relationship... Ask him if he is ready and willing to be a part of your life once again, if this is what you want. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I'd try & make contact with him away from his home, you have no idea how he'll react for a start & he'll feel much less threatened in a neutral setting. Sending a letter is a bit iffy too, as if his wife is anything like mine she'll want to know what it's about, even if she doesn't open it herself as many wives do. No way would I tell him how you found him, you'll leave yourself wide open. Just say a bit of digging & some luck, if he asks. Have you talked to your Ma about it? Easy does it, indeed. Best of luck. | ||
| Doughnut |
When i say by abuse of my offical powers it is tongue in cheek. I used systems available to all, I just use them more then most. Mom doesn't mind one way or the other. I'm thinking letter in a few weeks after thinking some more. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
If you can find his workplace perhaps you could catch him coming out & invite him for a beer to talk about things. Good that your Mom is ok with it too. I'll ring him up for you if you like, after all he's not likely to come round my house is he? lol. | ||
| Doughnut |
LOL, now that I have made my choice (I think), I still need that Power Wheel.  | ||
| Dynasport |
Every situation is different, but I had a woman confide in me today that she had been contacted by a child she gave up many years ago. She told me the child, who is a grown woman now, wanted to meet with her. I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me she wanted to meet with her biological daughter, but she was nervous. Even though she was the one who was contacted, she was still nervous about how her "daughter" would feel about her. Your "father" may feel the same way. He may want to meet with you, but be nervous about how you feel about him. Of course, it is always possible that he has no desire to meet with you at all. If you are prepared to deal with either possibility, then I think you should give him a call. If not, then wait till you are. | ||
| Odie |
My dad walked out on us when I was 4. He could be standing here in front of me and I couldn't tell you who he was. My mom knows where he is as my great aunt on his side stays in touch with my mom still. He had stated about 6 years ago that he would like to see my sister and I. I didn't have to dwell on it long. I figured if he didn't have the cajones to see how his kids were over the years or send my mom some child support then he really didn't and doesn't care about us. My sister went to see him and said everything went well. I want nothing to do with him nor anything from him. Sad part about it is that my grandparents loved him to death and said he was very smart and could do anything he set his mind to. Kind, gentle, courteous, loving......I don't know what happened. I'm 45 this year and it is the forgotten past to me. Oh well...... | ||
| Doughnut |
I think part of it is I want to show him I survived and even succeded without him. | ||
| Odie |
I understand you wanting to do that. I hope everything goes well. I didn't mean to sound like a wet blanket or anything. I was just giving you my experience with the relatively same issue. | ||
| Firebolt32 |
I'm on the reverse side of this. I have an 8 year old son who has no idea who I am. I'd love to be part of his life but the mother would "rather not confuse him" she says. He is in IL I'm in FL. It eats me up to watch him grow up in pictures. He is a spittin image of me. If I was in your shoes I'd let the past be the past and meet him. | ||
| Vortec57 |
Id go for a well thought out letter and leave him the chance to contact you. I've never been without my dad, cant imagine life without. Hopefully he wants to meet and catch up. | ||
| Xl1200r |
My biological grandfather walked out on my mother and uncle when they were both young. I think my mom was 2 and my uncle was 4 or 5, so he had some memories of him, but nothing major. My uncle decided he wanted to get in touch with his dad a few years ago (he's over 50 years old at this point, so it had been a while). My mom really wasn't interested as they were both raised very well by their step-father and considered him to be their father much more so than this other guy. Anyways, long story short, my uncle and his dad made contact, met more than once, but my uncle ultimately decided that the relationship really wasn't any benefit to him, so he cut ties. Just another example to show the other side - sometimes both parties are glad to see each other, some times the seeked still wants nothing to do with the seeker, and sometime the seeker later realizes that they really don't care to see the seeked as much as they thought they might. It would be very difficult to guess at what I'd do in your situation - I think I'd have an urge to satisfy a curiosity, but at the same time, the guy had no bearing on your upbringing so he's as much your father as the the guy behind the register at the McDonald's in Trinidad. But I understand the pull - you gotta follow your heart on this one, but Dynasport's advice sounds about as good as i've read on this thread. Good luck. | ||
| Ourdee |
Yard Sale, Wait till he has a yard sale, go to it but don't tell him who you are. You get to meet him and he gets to stay walked out. I wouldn't tell him who I was. If you want to get to know him, buy the house next door and move in. Put Smith on your mail box and just be a good neighbor. Again, I wouldn't give him the time of day. See a counselor and I don't mean a shrink (Pastor, mentor, or some old wise guy you respect). | ||
| Buelleaver |
Ya know, if you go thru with it, you have to be prepared for a possible 2nd rejection. I know a sweet person who’s farther walked out on her as a child, and will not give her the time of day Even after repeated attempts on her part to be in his life. It has really crushed her. | ||
| Johnnymceldoo |
I would probably write him and tell him everything youve wanted to say even if its mean. Tell him that youve made a good life for yourself. I would think Id need the closure. I had a friend who's father walked out on him. I know it still eats at him. It may eat at him too and this could be an opportunity for him to ask for your forgiveness. In person or a letter is better than waiting till he's gone and you never get to tell him what you think or show him what youve become. | ||
| Spdkls |
i say just show up on his doorstep. screw it, you only live once. what's the worst that can happen. i'll take some of your power. i need to find somepeople i've lost contact with. |
