| Author | Message | ||
     Ralphthe3rd |
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Do NOT be drinking anything as you read... =============================================================== Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street) I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too. Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle... at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine. I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness... all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full- face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge"so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect... As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals... and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Buell XB12R with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling,hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a sleek- black and gold sportbike, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street... and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a XB12 can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Big Buell is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Buell screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a sleek black and gold sportbike, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street... on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the clip-on handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the XB12. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Big Buell maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the sleek black and gold Sportbike, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove,roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak. Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a sleek black and gold Sportbike, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger! That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car! I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves. ____________________ | ||
| Nevco1 |
Gosh...And here I thought my day was going bad.  | ||
| M2me |
Well, I'll confess. I was drinking something as I read this. | ||
| Blake |
That was awesome. My gut will be sore for a week! And to top it all off... I think I know that squirrel! | ||
| Ralphthe3rd |
I'm glad you all enjoyed that Demonic Squirrel tale...or was it a Squirrel Tail ? And yes Blake, that Squirrel probably DOES live near you- LOL  | ||
| Ebear |
Probably was one of those DAMN squirrels from the BUELL ADS!!!!....................See , I knew they wouldn't understand! | ||
| Turnagain |
 ____ you also must keep an eye on those Suicidal Squirrels.  | ||
| Artesian |
OMG THat is the funniest thing I have ever read!!! I usually don't lol at text, especially in an office full or fellow Realtors, but that was too funny!! I can only imagine, and well written!! Thanks for the giggle, I needed it, | ||
| Ralphthe3rd |
Thanks ! And the Buell squirrel in the above photo really compliments it! | ||
| Ralphthe3rd |
Another ride report- this one aboard my P3 Blast! I like to consider myself somewhat slower paced then some of the Jap sportbikes whizzing by me at 100+. Which is a good thing when you have a lot to live for. Take for example last month. While attacking some twisties I ran through a speed trap, only 10 mph over the limit. I noticed A State Cop leap to his feet and into his cruiser. Well, I simply slowed it down and enjoyed the scenery for once. He followed me for approx 15miles, I never sped, weaved, or did anything wrong. *Sighs* So many nice curves on this empty road, and I'm forced to be tailgated by one of Pennsy's finest. Suddenly I notice a mound of roadkill up ahead.... should I swerve around it crossing the solid yellows, turn off in a driveway, or possibly waste myself in the gravel? Well I started flashing my brakelight, signaling with my hand that I'm slowing down. To no avale the officer continued to tailgate my Buell, so I prepared to swerve over the yellows. At the last second the mound of roadkill turned out to be a vulture munching on a squashed rabbit! I swerved, but just as I was almost past, the vulture lurched into the air, clipping my helmet (fullfaced thankyou)and went tumbling behind me landing SMACK onto the following state cops windshield. As I watched in my rearviews I saw the patrol car go down in the ditch- *Ouch ! I quickly stopped and ran down the hill to insure he/she was alright. Can you believe it....... the SOB gave me a ticket!!! A Ticket for what you ask?????........For flipping him the bird! Hah hah- HAPPY HOLIDAZE ! | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Hook, line and sinker! Very funny! Thanks! | ||
| Artesian |
I want to know if he really gave you a ticket? If so give me the department/troop # and name, Ill call him up for you. Helps to have friends that are po po... if he wrote you a ticket, hes a poo poo. | ||
| Ralphthe3rd |
Artesian, no worry- it was JUST A TALL TALE !  LOL But thanks for the Offer  | ||
| Belookin |
Ralphthe3rd, That was hilarious! You had me LOL!!  | ||
| Impulse_101 |
The squirrle story may be the funniest thing I've ever read off the internet. Very Douglas Adams like writing. JT | ||
| Xbduck |
The first time I read it I was thinking of the squirrel from "Ice Age". you know the crazy saber-toothed one. My fellow co-workers thought I had finally lost my slippery grip on reality. |
