| Author | Message | ||
     Spen  |
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ************************************************** ****** "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ************************************************** ****** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ************************************************** ****** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." ************************************************** ****** A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ************************************************** ****** A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." ************************************************** ******* A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ************************************************** ****** Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."  | ||
| Spen |
Male: Haven't I seen you some place before? Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Male: Is this seat empty? Female: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Male: Your place or mine? Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. Male: Hey baby, what's your sign? Female: DO NOT ENTER. Male: Your body's like a temple. Female: Sorry, there are no services today. Male: I would go to the end of the world for you. Female: GREAT! would u mind staying there? Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy. Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. Man: I know how to please a woman. Female: Then please leave me alone. Male: I want to give myself to you. Female: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. Male: I'd go through anything for you. Female: Good! Let's start with your bank account. | ||
| Bluzm2  |
Good stuff Spen! I'd not heard the airline stuff. | ||
| Spen |
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded. The old guy paused... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?" | ||
| Spen |
How to survive with women – you treat them like your car! Lift up the front and have a good hard look. Check the spare tyre and any handles. Make sure the top can come down and look good in the summer. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking. Ensure it response well when you are in the driving seat. Fit a child lock. Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored. Ensure sole ownership. If possible test drive several times before committing to ownership. Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down…. and that it is easy to control. Ensure that no joy rider can get their hands on it. See if the coil needs replacing. Watch out for any nasty emissions. Keep all leather accessories in order. For your own safety never attempt to handle when drunk. Never let your friends have a go. German models- tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent brief usage. Italian models- are very responsive but change hands often and often make worrying noises. American models- tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel. British models- especially the attractive ones, are hard to find and expensive to maintain. Swedish models- are usually versatile and safe. Japanese models- are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive. French models- are easy to come by but frequently disappointing | ||
| Spen |
>> >> >> >> > New words for 2005 Work-place vocabulary >> >> > >> >> > TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. >> >> > >> >> > BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a >> >> > deadline >>was >> >> > missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. >> >> > >> >> > SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, >> >> > craps >>on >> >> > everything, and then leaves. >> >> > >> >> > ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and >> >> > advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. >> >> > >> >> > SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming >>upstream >> >> > only to get screwed and die. >> >> > >> >> > CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. >> >> > >> >> > PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in >> >> > a >>cube >> >> > farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's >> >> > going >>on. >> >> > (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there >> >> > may be >> >> > cake.) >> >> > >> >> > MOUSE POTATO.The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch >>potato >> >> > >> >> > SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What >>yuppies >> >> > turn into when they have children and one of them stops working >> >> > to >>stay >> >> > home with the kids or start a "home business". >> >> > >> >> > STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out >> >> > and whiny. >> >> > >> >> > PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of >> >> > an electronic device to get it to work again. >> >> > >> >> > ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just >>above >> >> > the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" >> >> > are >> >>often >> >> > profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were >> >> > designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded >> >> > "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. >> >> > >> >> > 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error >> >> > message >>"404 >> >> > Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be >>located. >> >> > >> >> > OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise >> >> > that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply >> >> > all') - New Oxford Dictionary definitions >> >> > >> >> > GOING FOR A McSHIT Entering a fast food restaurant with no >> >> > intention >>of >> >> > buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a >> >> > pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy >> >> > their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies. >> >> > >> >> > AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. >> >> > >> >> > BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home >> >> > after a booze cruise at 3am in the morning. >> >> > >> >> > BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival >>home >> >> > after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember >> >> > where >>you >> >> > live, how you got here, and where you've come from. >> >> > >> >> > BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. >> >> > >> >> > BREAKING THE SEAL Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 >> >> > hours >>of >> >> > drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits >> >> > to >>the >> >> > toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of >> >> > the night. >> >> > >> >> > GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. >> >> > >> >> > JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the >> >> > typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The >> >> > 'no-stars' comes >>from >> >> > the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants >>often >> >> > wear to show their level of training. >> >> > >> >> > MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely >>impressive >> >> > when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in >> >> > there >> >>worth >> >> > seeing. >> >> > >> >> > MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you >> >> > go: >>"Oo! >> >> > Oo! Ho! Aa!Aa!Aa!". >> >> > >> >> > MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night >> >> > while >> >>you're >> >> > in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the >> >>unattractive >> >> > people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come >>back >> >> > in. >> >> > >> >> > MYSTERY TAXI The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday >> >> > morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept >> >> > with, and >>leaves >> >>a >> >> > 10-Pinter in your bed instead. >> >> > >> >> > SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person | ||
| Country  |
That is some great stuff. | ||
| Tucsonxb9s  |
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says "DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN dude.......how much water did you drink?!!" | ||
| Aesquire  |
A flying buddy of mine, had a great flight, from a ( not permitted anymore ) site in Mass. to Boston Harbor. ( about 85 miles ) He skillfully ( he's good ) avoided the air traffic control zone & landed on the beach, near the JFK center. In a Hang Glider. The Boston PD officer on beach duty insisted he "get that thing out of here" When given a yes sir, he stopped my bud from carrying the glider up to the parking lot. "Fly it out of here, RIGHT NOW" He had a real hard time understanding that a glider, with no engine, at sea level, was not going to just fly away. | ||
| Charlieboy6649  |
We were on approach to Chicago from DC on a very foggy day. I could tell we were getting close as I heard the flaps lower and eventually the gear go down. Then moments later, we rocketed into the sky at full throttle. The pilot came over the PA and announced, "Sorry folks, we were given the wrong vector and was going to miss the runway. We're taking it around for another pass." Can you imagine the looks of terror on that plane at that point until we were safely on the ground! On the same continuing flight to Tokyo, he announced that we were being diverted to the domestic terminal because we were almost out of fuel! After 3 hours on the ground, couldn't offload because there are no customs agents at the domestic terminal, we lined up for takeoff to the international airport. About half way down the runway the emergency buzzer from the cockpit could be heard all the way at the back of the plane! The pilot slammed on the brakes and we exited to taxi for another try as the pilot said, OVER THE PA, "OOPS, missed an item on the checklist." Some people should avoid honesty...  (Message edited by charlieboy6649 on January 17, 2005) |
