| Author | Message | ||
     Josnow |
A little back ground. During Thanksgiving holidays last year, my youngest sister-in-law (15 years old) was “sexually assaulted” by some school mates at a party. So the family and I decided that it would be best for her to move in with my wife and myself. My wife and I live 400 miles away, so we thought, new friends and new school would be the best for her. I have my whole life on a budget so adding a new person in the equation would be difficult but I would do anything to help out!! Being difficult was an understatement. Becoming an instant parent to a 15 yr old is something I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy. After talking to the sister-in-law about what happened at the party, the truth comes out. She took drugs that night and put herself in a bad situation. The longer she has been with us the more we learn that she is not an “innocent little girl” that we all hoped that she was. Now, since she first moved in with us and started school she has jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend. She has been seeing this one boy now for a few months and I simply don’t like him. He is always in trouble and I “think” he is on drugs and drinks. From what I hear, his whole family is like that. My sister-in-law is always giving me this sappy story of how bad her boyfriend has it at home. Mother doesn’t love him and step dad is physically mean to him. Yesterday when I get in from work, she is telling me how the mother came to school to pick up her son and they got in an argument, the mother hit the son. She claims the assistant principal witnessed but refused to do anything about it. This is where I need help being talked out of whooping someone’s ass!!! I wake up this morning to the guest shower running which is unusual because I always have to wake the sister-in-law up for school. Check her bedroom and see “someone” in bed, so I check the bathroom and she is in the shower. Go back to room and the damn boyfriend looks up at me from under the cover. I wake my wife up to help me calm down before I hurt someone….my wife gets pissed. Before I leave for work, sister-in-law tells me that the boyfriend got in a fight with his mother and he walked 6 miles to our house because he had no other place to go. My wife, just like her mother, doesn’t discipline very well. Once the tears start flowing from the little sister’s eyes, everything is better. I think that is bullshit!!! My opinion is the little sister has never been told no so now she thinks she can get away with anything. But, that is NOT going to happen in my house!!! When I get home today we (wife, sister-in-law, boyfriend and myself) are going to have a good talk. All the parents out there, how would you handle this???? Please advise!! Thanks for listening. | ||
| Zane |
First off the story about him getting whacked and the assistant principle not doing anything doesn't pass the smell test. Not sure how South Carolina is but here in Florida school officials are required by law to report any known or suspected violence to the police. Can't believe SC isn't the same way. You need to call the boys's parents and let them know where he is. Even if they don't care, it will cover you legally. Since the facts of the "sexual assault" have come out, I'd say its time for s-i-l to go back home. The situation isn't like as it was presented to you and this will give her a dose of reality that trying to manipulate people eventually backfires in your face. | ||
| Thumper74 |
She needs to go back where she came from. Your heart was in the right place, but she withheld all of the facts from her family. Having a dude over YOUR house without YOUR permission is grounds for dismissal. I'm sure he's got friends to crash with. He needs to leave. I'm 100% on your side, this is crazy. I also understand where you're coming from. I just got married and my wife has a 5 year old from another relationship. Gabe is grate(!) but has a developmental delay and doesn't listen to me. It can be frustrating | ||
| P_squared |
Keep your emotions in check, but lay down the LAW. +1 on calling the boy's parents. CYA. Ultimatum to SIL = If she wants to live under your roof, then she will abide by your rules. PERIOD. No discussion allowed. Make sure your wife is 100% in your corner b4 u deliver that ultimatum. If SIL doesn't want to abide by your rules, show her the door. She doesn't have to "like" you, but she should respect you. My daughters frequently don't "like" me on a regular basis. It's part of being a good parent instead of their friend. | ||
| Mnbueller |
She sounds like a good canidate for Teen Challenge. http://teenchallengeusa.com/ Its a faith based program for people with addictions (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc..) They have an excellent success rate. On a second note and IMO. In order for her to get the way she is her parents must not have provided her with enough positive attention while she was growing up, and failed to recognize early warning signs. She is basically seeking to fill a void in her life, and she feels that through BF's and sex she will fill that void. Instead she needs to turn to God, be presented with some positive role models and turn her life around now. I don't mean pressure any religion on anyone, its just how I feel and how I view the world. | ||
| Greenlantern |
Keep your emotions in check, but lay down the LAW. +1 on calling the boy's parents. CYA. Ultimatum to SIL = If she wants to live under your roof, then she will abide by your rules. PERIOD. No discussion allowed. Make sure your wife is 100% in your corner b4 u deliver that ultimatum. If SIL doesn't want to abide by your rules, show her the door. She doesn't have to "like" you, but she should respect you. My daughters frequently don't "like" me on a regular basis. It's part of being a good parent instead of their friend.  | ||
| Wardan123 |
I teach high school English and I have some thoughts for you. 1. The 15 year old is a kid- you and her sister (your wife) need to be parents. You need to present a united front. I think you should sit down with your wife and discuss expectations for everyone involved (i.e. you, your wife, the child, her parents, the boyfriend, the school). Your wife will have a difficult time transitioning from sister to mother- support her. 2. Contact the child's parents and let them know what you as a couple are willing to do for THEIR child as well as what you will not tolerate. Make these things CLEAR. After all she is their child. Discuss financial support and be sure any monies they are willing to contribute go directly to you. You can set up an allowance system based on chores and appropriate behavior. 2. Then you should have a discussion with the child, outlining ON PAPER expectations: in your house, with regard to dating, with regard to partying, with regard to school, etc. Involve the kid by having her help to outline right from wrong so she has a real buy in to the process. She knows right from wrong and has chosen wrongly. Discuss rewards (homecoming dance) and consequences (possibly going home). Make these real and FOLLOW THROUGH!! 4. Please know that ANY "warnings" or "breaks" on your part will be viewed as weakness by the kid. She will work to exploit you. When things are in writing you can defer to the agreed upon behaviors and consequences. Then you are not the bad guy - you are just following the agreed upon protocall. 5. The boyfriend (and any others that come through the door) - you can't blame him for sleeping over. (Wouldn't we all like to take advantage of that in high school?) I'd sit him down and talk to him too. I'd discuss high school relationships. Things like how the sister should be treated, expectations while out in public, and even discussing sex would be on my list of topics. Let him know when they do go out that you want to know where they are and what they are doing.- AND THEN SHOW UP. Often. If they are not there, the relationship ends. I'd let him know that a 15 year old can support him only so far... he as a young man needs to deal with his home life and NOT involve a new girlfriend. Get your sister-in-law involved in extracurriculars at school or a church. Make it mandatory if you wish. Get her running with a better crowd. Some sports teams can be really positive, band, clubs, even a part time job may help. Go to her games, support her efforts. Statistics prove that students in extra-curriculars have a more positive outlook in high school. You have been THRUST into the position of parenthood and have not had the benefit of the previous 15 years training. For the short term, things should be black and white, right or wrong. Reward good behaviors and ALWAYS discipline wrong behaviors. (She will screw up.) Hang in there - you may be the deciding factor in this kid's life. | ||
| Nevrenuf |
trying to tell anyone, much less a teenager, what to do is a dead end. especially when their already at that point of know everything. i didn't just kick my daughter of the house once but twice when she thought she was better off with some stupid little trailer trash kid who got kicked out of school, lived at home with mommy and step daddy and washed cars for his dad. she finally had enough of his bs and decided to leave of which i was able to talk my brother into taking her back to pittsburgh with him just to get her away from the little shit. then the mother would call us and say that we shouldn't interfere with them. needless to say she finally grew up and is in what seems to be a good relationship and i found out the other day i'm going to be a grandfather for the first time. bottom line, this is your house and they don't call it tough love for nothing. she needs to grow up and stop using people for what she wants before it drives you and your wife apart. the question is, who's more important in your life. your wife or your sister in-law. jmho. good luck cause i don't wish to go there again. | ||
| Reepicheep |
For sure that is strike one and two... the "inexcusable" part was that he was in her bed. If he needed a place to crash in a crises, the couch is fine, and nobody should be invited into your house without your permission first. Hopefully it gets better. You will have to impose reasonable and rigid boundaries (which will seem impossibly restrictive to her). Things will either get better or get worse, but (IMHO) you want to accelerate the process one way or the other. If she is going to crash and burn, the sooner and faster she does it, the better her chances are of true recovery. Don't let the family take it personally if she blows it and sells you out. Addiction is terrifying in its power over a person. | ||
| Josnow |
Thanks for the replies...I agree with you all!! My wife is back and forth on how to deal with lil' sis. One minutes she is firm and we see eye to eye and the next minute she is like "we cant be so hard on her, she is only a teenager and they make mistakes". I made my share of mistakes as a teenager and my parents was real quick on correcting them for me. Got my butt whooped plenty of times. I want to send her back but at the same time we have a lot invested with her being here. Paying the dentist for braces that we got her shortly after moving in with us and also, she will be behind a grade in school if she moved back because the classes she take here in school are not offered back home in MS. Zane, I agree 100% about the school not reporting violence. I think she is "stretching" the truth about that. Its to the point I only believe half of what she speaks. Thanks again guys!! | ||
| Lost_in_ohio |
It is a no win for any body. Had a sister in law of legal age (24)living with us. The house rule was no overnight male guests. She didn't abide and was thrown out. When her parents I asked I told them the truth which her mother didn't appreciate. I have a friend that ended up putting an alarm on the doors and windows to prevent the situation you described. At 15 I don't think you can do much to change her course in life. As suggested above she is missing something in her life, She moved the 400 miles and made the poor choices. If it were my child, cell phone is gone, phone privileges are gone, I would pick her up and drop her off at school, grounding is an understatement for having a male over night house guest. Is the young man of legal age??? You could involve LEO or if not child protective services to remove him as a problem. If your committed to making changes, It is gonna be painful for everyone involved. | ||
| Pammy |
I agree with Lost 110%. Another option is to send her home to her parents. If your committed to making changes, It is gonna be painful for everyone involved. That statement cannot be expressed vividly enough! | ||
| Glitch |
It's hard to turn a 15 year old's ways around, she did not get that way over night. I'm sure it could be done, but it would be a very L O N G process indeed. She sounds like she's been a bit (if not a lot) spoiled. She has to be held accountable for her every action. I'm thinking maybe her parents put off on you what they could not handle, either that or they are completely blind. If it were me, and the truth was coming to the surface the way it is for you, I'd have no problem sending her back home. | ||
| Cityxslicker |
Kids these days know it all. I know I did when I was 15. I left the house that summer. Military cured me real quick. You can get into the service at 16 with parental consent. It kept me out of jail and made me be responsible and accountable fast. It is a big dose of shut up for a kid that thinks they know it all. 8 weeks can change a life. Hell go coast guard they get alot of action and are still mostly stateside  | ||
| Ulywife |
Josnow - lots of good advice has been given already. Your wife is gonna have to get in the mindset of being the parent, not the sister. As I tell my children, "I'm not here to be your friend, I'm your Mom, deal with it". We also have a saying, "It doesn't come in why, it comes in Yes Ma'am". Parenting is never easy, especially when you've been handed a 15 year old who obviously has not been raised with the expectations and responsibility you would have raised her with from the beginning. Ground rules - as hard and tiring as it is, you both have to not only set them, but follow through with them when it comes to consequences. As stated above, if you back down, you are screwed and she will continue with the unwanted behaviors. If you have to send her home, I would not feel guilty, as you have given her a chance. The decision is now up to her. She can abide by the rules of your house or she can go home. Don't let this become as issue in your marriage. Best of luck. Parenting is not always easy, even when you've had them from birth. | ||
| U4euh |
Josnow-Some really great advice has been given and I only have a few things to add. If you and your wife are willing to step up and take on the parenting role, then step in all the way. You say that you didn't like the boy , he seemed like trouble. Get to know him and KNOW. Invite him over and talk with him with your family. Explain to him that he disrespected your position by sneaking in and sleeping over, that you could have been arrested for "harboring a run away", probably not likely but always a chance. That is where calling the parents comes into play. Apprise them of the situation and explain what your limit are, then tell the two "kids" what you have done. Explain to them that is the only way it will be, or other arrangements could be made for to return home. Then talk to the SIL, ask what kind of position she would be in if she had to return to the old school? Making them see the light in their own mind is usually enough to at least plant a seed. Remember that being too aggressive can result in her turning the other way and running to the boyfriend and them considering running away together. Just being involved in everymove she makes as SOMEONE WHO CARES will make a big difference. She has a lot of emotional attachements, anger, hostility, and everything else that goes with being raped, sexually assaulted. Yea she might have put herself in that situation, but she is still hurting about it, and reaching out in the only way she knows how to, covering her pain with alcohol, drugs and finding love in something that she can relate to. If she is your sister in law, that means her parents are your mother and father in law, yes, no? They should be willing to step up a little more and provide you with some financial assistance on her behalf. I work with the school system in North Carolina, and yes we have to report anything we might consider abuse. Go talk to the principal at school. Let them be aware of the situation. He needs to know just in case she says that to the wrong person, that could be grounds to put his job at jeapordy. Bottom line is getting involved, in every angle. I've caught my 16 year old step daughter in a few lies, only because I already knew the truth before I approached her about it. That involved a little snooping around on my part. But she was able to realize that it was for the better when Joe Schmoe's true colors surfaced. Just keep a cool head and stand your ground, be firm, you'll do alright. ps-talk to your parents, and his parents. See what their take is on it all. | ||
| Cityxslicker |
Parenting is not always easy, even when you've had them from birth. I suppose the reason I dont have any kids is that I was a pure pain in the A$$ as a kid, and I dont want to repeat that cycle. I get to be an uncle, that is enough for me. Hats off to all the parents that can do it and make it work. It is the most thankless job out there. | ||
| Azxb9r |
Ultimatum to SIL = If she wants to live under your roof, then she will abide by your rules. PERIOD. No discussion allowed. Make sure your wife is 100% in your corner b4 u deliver that ultimatum. If SIL doesn't want to abide by your rules, show her the door. I second this course of action. Unless the parents have signed over guardianship to you, you don't legally have any power over the girl. | ||
| Josnow |
We do have guardianship over her. U4euh, The sexual assault ended up being another lie. Since, Ive been home from work today, all hell as broke loose. Will update hopefully later tonight when I have more time. Thanks to all!! | ||
| Nevrenuf |
jo, if you need to get out for a little or someone to talk to, i'm over here in greer. | ||
| Lost_in_ohio |
Rereading your original post..... Did you set down house rules when she moved in? A good example, no cell phones at dinner table, no calls after 9pm, No male overnight guests, No car dates....on and on. I would get on the phone with the boy friends parents asap. Have a little chat with them. And let the boy friend know that he is to never stay over night again even is his parents threaten to kill him. Just musing here. Depending upon how his parents answered the phone and the conversation went I may get childrens protective services involved. If your SIL is willing to tell them the beating story, he may get moved to a foster home far way. 15 is too young to start this crap. Pisses me off just thinking about it. | ||
| Davegess |
Dude you need to set hard and fast rules, with enforceable consequences and then enforce them with NO exceptions and no warnings. Make sure they are understood and enforce the little ones and the big ones. Don't make up 30 rules just a few and talk about how she is doing following them all the time. Tossing out rewards for good behavior especially if it is outside of the rules, like she makes a good decision where she could have done something that was not breaking a rule but was a bad choice reward her. Lots and lots of positive reinforcement with clearcut rules and results. If she is very far down the drugs and alcohol path than she likely will need professional help. That stuff gets in your brain and in pretty short order it is in charge. Some folks are very easily addicted and once you reach that point you are talking a lifetime of work to stay clean. Good luck and ALWAYS let her know you love her even when she may hate what you are doing and say some very hurtful things. Let her know she hurts you but you love anyways. Good ;uck | ||
| Etennuly |
She did a snow job on her mother. She did the same to you. She knew what she was doing at her last stop and knew she would continue at your place. You should be commended for trying to help, but don't ruin your own life for one who has chosen to take whom she can down the foul path with her. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. I would meet with her and her parents and let them know all that you found out. Disclose all and excuse yourself from further abuse from her by returning her from which she came. I helped one of my nephews out of a situation involving drugs. He came to me and told me the TRUTH of the situation and asked if he could stay with us for a while to get away from the situation at his home. He has a wife and two kids that were tired of his stupidity and lying about everything. He stayed for a couple of months and has done well ever since. That was three years ago. That child has to fall down to realize what she is doing to herself and those in her life. Yeah, I love you, good bye, shut the door, that is tough to do. Good luck. | ||
| Dynasport |
I feel for you man. I don't know what is going on at your house right now, but I can imagine. I had some very difficult times with my daughter when she was 15. I don't really want to get into details, but suffice it to say I removed the lock from her door so she could not lock me out and put an alarm on her window. As far as this happening because her parents weren't tough enough on her or were too tough on her or whatever, don't fall into that BS. Some kids go through rocky times no matter how good their parents are. I can't say why, but I have seen it many times. The reason I am telling you this, is that you can take everyone's best advice, do everything "right" and she still may make bad decisions. Because that is what this is right now. Simply bad decisions. Her head is messed up. Her view of life is out of whack. All you can do is make it as hard on her as possible when she makes bad decisions, like letting a boy sleep with her in YOUR house. I can give you some encouragement though. As bad as things got, and I'm sure my daughter hated me at times, she is now a wonderful 18 year old with a full scholarship to college and working and earning her own spending money. She has become mature and responsible. We now have a great relationship. I don't know if it is because I handled the situation well, or because she just got older, became more mature, and on her own saw that she was making bad decisions. Finally, if you ever need to talk about any of this, feel free to PM me and I will give you my number. The last, last thing I will say is that your situation is a bit different from mine in that it was my daughter. I had no option of sending her back anywhere. That forced me to deal with it. Personally, I think this girl needs a situation like that. She has already moved from one home to another. I think she needs some stability as well as some discipline. It would be great if you can provide that for her. If you can't, she needs to go somewhere where someone can. Somewhere where she won't be shipped off to somewhere when things get rough again, because they will. Ok, counseling session over. Best of luck to you. | ||
| Igneroid |
You've gotten some real good advice here Josnow. All I can add is it may be extra difficult if your wife has come from the same place as your sister-in-law. Regardless, get your ducks in a row with the missus, and dont back off no matter how hard it gets. Otherwise, its like wiping your ass with a spinning wheel. | ||
| Blake |
Send her back home or don't allow her to date. | ||
| Josnow |
Sorry for the delay...first and foremost, thanks to you all for the advice. After I got in from work Friday, all the lies started to come to the surface. The SIL and boyfriend were still at my house because my wife didnt make them goto school that day. SIL and boyfriend were giving my wife this sappy story of how the mother of boyfriend was beating his ass and they were afraid the mother would come to school to get him. Wife was thinking she was "protecting" him by keeping them at home until we figure this mess out. As the day goes on and my wife talks to the teenagers, their lies started getting mixed up. My wife tried calling the mother of the boyfriend and she says "dont have time to talk to you, my nerves are torn up, he is your problem now." When I get home I start asking questions and they are telling me the same stories that my wife just busted them lieing about. So I am pissed tell the boyfriend to get out my house. "I dont have a ride!" so I calmly say "you walked your ass over here at 2 in the morning, you can walk your ass back!" Tell the SIL I was tired of her shit too. For her to start packing, her mother is on the way to get here, I was done!!! SIL tells me that she is happy to be leaving that she has already talked to her mother and she(MIL) is letting the boyfriend come with them to MS. Mother-in-law arrives....SIL is crying and giving her mother all these sappy bullshit stories how we are mean to her, that she has done nothing wrong. Of course MIL takes her daughter's side. So my wife, so proud of her for standing up, tells her mom that if she lets the youngest daughter to continue to have any contact with the boy,much less take the boy to MS, they (wife and her mother) were through!! So here we are this morning, wife is still crying, SIL is on her way back to MS, and not sure if boyfriend returned with them or not. Thanks again for the great advice. I did get to spend alot of time in the garage with the Buell. will post pics in a minute. | ||
| Lost_in_ohio |
Wow, Hope all gets better. All you can do is support your wife and be there when she wants to talk. Make yourself available but don't make it too obvious, if that makes sense. That 15 year old sure has everyone buffaloed. | ||
| Josnow |
Painted the helmet, but rushed through all the steps so I will redo when I have more time.  Had some left over leds from a boat project and I saw someone on here do this and I thought what the hell, got nothing better to do. Turn signal on:  Turn signal off:  They are much brighter than they appear. Also, done the breather hose re-route. | ||
| Bill0351 |
I think you did the right thing. My ex and I tried to take in her niece when she was 14. It started out OK but after a month or so it started to unravel. Just like you, anything I tried to do was undermined by the rest of the family. I was finally sick of everything that was going on. I carefully searched every square inch of her room and found her journal. WOW! What a crazy manipulative freak! The last straw was when she (grounded at the time) tried to slip several letters to another relative to mail to her boyfriend. Then never got delivered. Instead, they were read by me. She accused me of abusing her, my wife and my other kids. It also turned out that the boyfriend thought she was 17. She was planning on running away to be with him. After reading the letters I brought her to her grandparents house, packed her stuff, and left it in boxes in the driveway. She never set foot in my house again. You gave it a shot. You should be proud of yourself for trying. You should also be proud of yourself for pulling the plug before things got even uglier. Bill |
