| Author | Message | ||
     Zane |
A prominent man in a small town has a heart attack and dies. His body is taken to a funeral home that is on a very busy street. So busy in fact that when big trucks drive by it shakes the whole building and even shakes the man's toupee loose. This upsets his widow terribly. Jack was very vain and no one knew he wore a toupee. He'd be devastated if anyone found out. The funeral director says that he'll find a way. He tries tape, he tries glue but nothing he does keeps the toupee in place. The widow becomes frantic and demands the funeral director guarantee the toupee stay in place during the viewing. The viewing comes and more than 200 people attend, and the toupee stays in place like it should. It saves the vanity of the dead man. The widow is so relieved she goes to the funeral director and says "Thank you so much for taking care of my dear husband Jack. I know you had to go to great lengths and Jack left me a wealthy woman. I'd like to give you a little something extra for all the extra effort." Oh no ma'am, it's all part of our service. No, I insist says the lady. Ok then, how much do you want to pay for four thumb tacks? | ||
| Ducbsa |
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf. Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf. And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds. And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom. Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, And says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.' | ||
| Ducbsa |
Another error message | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| 1313 |
Reminds me of my first few trips to Germany - back when I didn't really understand how to drive on the Autobahn (i.e. there are only select areas where the speed limit is non-existent). I was coming back to Berlin from a weekend in Munich on a Sunday night. I got a later start for Berlin than expected because I unexpectedly caught the exposition Body Worlds shortly after it opened in Munich. But back to those flashes of light. I was pacing a car in the left lane somewhere in the country. As soon as the car I was pacing passed an overhead highway sign, there was a flash of light. About all I could do was take my foot off the accelerator and when I passed that overhead highway sign, another flash of light. At the time, I thought it was odd and just continued my journey back to Berlin. I get to Berlin and since it's the end of the trip, I'm trying to get back to my hotel like gangbusters. I noticed a green Opel wagon parked on the side of the street and before I could do anything, another flash of light emanated from said green Opel wagon. This flash of light kind of made me realize what was up, kinda... I go into work in Berlin the next day and discuss what happened with some colleagues. They informed me that the flash of light was a picture being taken because I was speeding. I thought to myself, how freakin' cool will it be to get a picture of me speeding on the Autobahn?!?! The ultimate souvenir if you ask me. Well, then they continued with the rest of the story. The pictures would go to the rental car company, and the stance of the rental car company was that the picture couldn't prove that the person who rented the car was the person in the picture, so the picture/ticket ended up going into the circular file before it ever ended up in the hands of the person who rented the car. So, the only souvenir I ended up with is the memories of that trip - and all the Buell swag that I could get then, back in 2002/2003. | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
Peter had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible... He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month... Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..." "Great", says Peter, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you...!" As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking." "Not a problem," says Peter. "After twenty five years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex too." "Now that's really not a problem!" says Peter, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us." | ||
| Patches |
Hot and Crazy MATRIX https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_USJCTIgs4 | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Patches |
Is Gender a social construct? I have all the answers! https://www.youtube.com/shorts/3cfH6B0Ww3c | ||
| Xbpete |
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those." | ||
| Hootowl |
I fell off a 20 foot ladder while working on my roof yesterday. Fortunately, I was only on the first rung when it happened. | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| Hootowl |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| Aesquire |
 | ||
| Oldog |
LOL! | ||
| Hootowl |
How does a death metal musician come up with new material? They decompose. | ||
| Whisperstealth |
 | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Hootowl |
Not afterward, I suspect. | ||
| Whisperstealth |
>>> Not afterward, I suspect. Now that's funny! | ||
| Ducbsa |
 | ||
| Hootowl |
I was in a hotel last night and the maid asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her. I declined, because I do not like high maintenance women. | ||
| Xbpete |
 | ||
| Hootowl |
It identifies as a taco truck.  | ||
| 1313 |
Actually, I just read today that they just changed the name of that 'taco truck' from Wienermobile to Frankmobile. |
