| Author | Message | ||
     86129squids |
Sent that one to my chaplain sis! | ||
| Sifo |
Food on an Irish Airline... Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the Aer Lingus cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement... "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up, just minutes prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals were delivered to the plane. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.” When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued... "Anyone who would be kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5-hour flight." Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available." | ||
| Bandm |
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the Camel. The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with lust, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are." | ||
| Hootowl |
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with crap sticking to its fur. The rabbit, rather smugly, says that no, he does not. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. | ||
| Bandm |
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| Hootowl |
And in the 'I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire' department... http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/07/11/pennsylvania- woman-lit-boyfriend-on-fire-used-urine-to-put-out- flames-cops-say.html Meth is a hell of a drug. | ||
| Froggy |
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works. | ||
| Ourdee |
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree." | ||
| Sifo |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' "You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent." | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/music/news/controversia l-justin-bieber-banned-china-order-purify-nation/ No need to read past the headline.  | ||
| Ourdee |
Haha | ||
| Ourdee |
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| Ducbsa |
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah! The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." | ||
| Hughlysses |
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. "What's the matter? asked the Trooper "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." "I can't," said the biker. "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..." | ||
| 86129squids |
 THAT'S a good one! | ||
| Hootowl |
What's brown and sticky? . . . . . . . . . A stick. | ||
| Midknyte |
https://youtu.be/XZJ0KrseDTs | ||
| Ducbsa |
https://www.duffelblog.com/2017/08/suicide-bomber- actually-hoping-for-72-experienced-sluts/ | ||
| Sifo |
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." | ||
| 86129squids |
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| Sifo |
A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends. Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation! Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old cowboy. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.' | ||
| 86129squids |
 THAT was awesome! Thanks man- just forwarded that to my chaplain sis, my newlywed daughter, and a good neighbor. | ||
| Bandm |
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?" "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story". As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown. "Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?" "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat. | ||
| 86129squids |
What are the odds that a Republican would walk into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco?   | ||
| Ourdee |
Remind me to tell you about visiting S.F. CA. this past year. | ||
| Aesquire |
That's where the best McGuffins are found. I love those places. There have been a few TV series about McGuffin hunting, "Warehouse 13" for example. One of my favorite gifts is to find some unidentifiable thingee in a curio shop and give it away, boxed with a cryptic note like not to feed it after midnight. Since my circle of friends include actual archaeologists, Hollywood special effects folk, and lots of History teachers, blacksmiths, brewers, makers of things profane and unusual, ( they overlap ) it's a challenge to find the truly unidentifiable. Kitchen gadgets are lots of fun. | ||
| Bandm |
Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to land on the SUN within ten years! A reporter said: "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?” There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react to someone questioning North Korea's Supreme leader. Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”. The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause. Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference When Pelosi heard what Kim Jon-Un said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.” Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause. | ||
| Sifo |
MALE LOGIC... FLAWLESS THIS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS FIVE OR SIX QUESTIONS WHICH HE ANSWERED QUITE SIMPLY, BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY ONE QUESTION. I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST HUSBANDS OUT THERE: WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER? MAN: YES WOMAN: HOW MANY BEERS A DAY? MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER? MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!) WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING? MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT? MAN: CORRECT WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT? MAN: CORRECT WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE? MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER? WOMAN: NO. MAN: WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE? | ||
| Tootal |
It's lame joke Friday! Do you know why a chicken coupe only has two doors? Cause if it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan!  | ||
| Crusty |
A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables. The bartender looks at him and says, "Don't start anything!" |
