| Author | Message | ||
     Midknyte |
A lady walks into a pet store... She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim." | ||
| Alfau |
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a Ruger 9mm with a ten shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife." A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo". | ||
| Hootowl |
I have tears in my eyes. Thanks Alf. | ||
| Aesquire |
https://www.youtube.com/user/badobsessionmsport/vi deos?shelf_id=1&view=0&sort=dd Mad Englishmen fabricate a real Mini 1000 with Celica 200hp turbo 4wd drivetrain. | ||
| Reepicheep |
Cool build! The good "new" Mini S (R53) is about 187HP, so not far from 200HP, but its not 4wd, and its likely a lot heavier than the build these guys are doing. | ||
| Brother_in_buells |
That mini was a bit crispy  | ||
| Aesquire |
I drove, then sold to the junkyard, a dodge van with more rust. ... see through at the rear wheels. They were driving it a year later full of engines etc. Of course that started with more steel. Heck the missing steel was more than a complete Mini. | ||
| Tootal |
6 or 7mm or 1/4" if you're watching in black and white!! Listen you pompous British twit, the Kings foot is 12" long and that's good enough for me!  | ||
| Aesquire |
Don't get me started on the Metric system... which the U.S. officially adopted in 1895. The Inch is a dead King's thumb. Small folk back then. Or a certain number of grains of barley, laid end to end. The Meter is a stick of platinum in a vault. Or, later redefined to a specific number of peaks in a certain frequency of light, as measured in a soft vacuum, on the surface of our planet, distorted by gravity and frame dragging. ( in other words it's not the same out past Pluto. Seriously. ) And, if your books are old enough, you find they redefined the Inch to be related to the Metric system at 25.4 mm per inch exactly.... and it didn't used to be. ( but to find that info you need to consult the REAL reference source in the Universe, the Machinists Handbook. And go back to the 1800's ) I do love how the Brits famously mock U.S. cars. To be fair, most U.S. made cars through history don't compare in handling, fun factor, etc. if your comparison is a Triumph Tr4. OTOH, you can count on a British Leyland product to disintegrate, or at least require a full tune up, including a carb rebuild, after driving the length of one good sized U.S. state. Of course that's also an indictment of our roads.  | ||
| Tootal |
I'm afraid I was trained to think in thousanths of an inch. When I got a blueprint in metric the first thing I did was convert to inches. That metric crap never made any sense!!  | ||
| Pwnzor |
My car gets 20 furlongs to the hogshead, and that's the way I like it! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for the 4:30 autogyro to the Prussian consulate in Siam! | ||
| Ducbsa |
I was on a project where were were designing a plant expansion in Belgium. At first, we were told to dimension in ft & in, then we were told to add guide dimensions in metric. I had worked with a German firm and knew they dimensioned in mm, so we rounded off. the lead structural engineer was a character and had his guys do it in cm, to 2 decimal places; a hundredth of a cm is .002"! I told him that the Belgian ironworkers would think we were crazy, but he did it anyway. We sent over a few inch tape measures for them to use to help out. | ||
| Alfau |
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umRRCkspaQU | ||
| Sifo |
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| Orman1649 |
what did the scientist say to the man who was frozen solid? are you 0k? | ||
| Sifo |
 | ||
| Reepicheep |
That's awesome! | ||
| Froggy |
How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories. | ||
| Reepicheep |
Exactly my first thought Froggy. | ||
| Alfau |
Another top tip. If it starts burning when you piss.... stand a bit further back from your wife's birthday cake. | ||
| Froggy |
A Mexican, a Texan and a Ukrainian are sitting at a bar. Suddenly the Mexican stands up, throws 2 coins in the air, shoots a hole in both of them and shouts "I am Mexico Bill!" So the Texan stands up, throws 4 coins in the air, shoots a hole in each and shouts "And I am Texas Bill!" Completely unimpressed by this the Ukrainian stands up, unzips his pants, pulls out 4 penises and says "so what, I am Cherno Bill!" | ||
| Alfau |
A woman and her husband moved to a new town and she found a new gynecologist in the yellow pages. She was kind of apprehensive about seeing the new doc but made an appointment anyway. When she gets there the doc asks her to disrobe and get in the chair. He takes a look down under and says loudly, "Woah!" The woman freaks and say "What?" The doc says "nothing." The woman says "no, what is the matter?"? The doc then says " OK, you have the largest vagina I have ever seen". The woman gets mad and storms out of the office and goes home all embarrassed. She gets to thinking about it and takes a large hand mirror and places it on the floor and starts looking at herself naked out of curiosity. Just then her husband comes home and to avoid seeming strange she starts doing jumping jacks. The husband asks "what are you doing honey?" She answers "exercising." The husband says, "Be careful not to fall in that huge hole in the floor." | ||
| Aesquire |
Rude. Accurate, but rude. Uses the word for female dog, repeatedly. http://www.infowars.com/10-signs-youre-a-basic-bit ch-in-2016/ | ||
| Whisperstealth |
ROTFL. That was great! | ||
| Bandm |
An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kühe und die schweine haben hineingeschissen!" Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs have shit in it!" The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!" The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!" | ||
| Alfau |
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school. | ||
| Aesquire |
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions. An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?" The general answered both questions in the affirmative. Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?" The general replied, "All indications point to China." Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?" The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious." After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?" | ||
| Midknyte |
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh!t on your knee." | ||
| Slaughter |
Buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation etc. but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go let me know. It's at St Peter's Church, Omaha at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs, good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress. | ||
| Alfau |
The preacher inquired "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, an Aboriginal got in line, and when it was his turn, the vicar asked "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you ?" Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now ?" Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week !" |
