| Author | Message | ||
     Strokizator |
Borrowed from another site: As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another - all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." | ||
| Big_island_rider |
Why couldn't the motorcycle stand up on it's own? It was two tired. | ||
| Crusty |
I thought it was because its motor was exhausted... | ||
| Midknyte |
awesome ending is awesome https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw79smKZB9E | ||
| Jramsey |
Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." | ||
| 2rill |
 http://www.gixxer.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-6 3273.html | ||
| Sifo |
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water! "Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5." "Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!" "Okay," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need. Go in peace." Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!" | ||
| Sifo |
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about. | ||
| Sifo |
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' " When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' " he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "So what was the '1-2-3' for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle | ||
| Ducbsa |
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| Aesquire |
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| Midknyte |
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline. | ||
| Hootowl |
Nice | ||
| Sifo |
Not sure where to post this one, but it's kind of funny. Unless it's you...  | ||
| Andersonhdj |
Pity bout the bike!! | ||
| Griffmeister |
Not to worry, new hover craft. | ||
| Hootowl |
Meh. Ever seen those arena cross guys? He'll straighten it out before he lands. | ||
| Sifo |
Best way to hog the food bowl I've ever seen...  | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates." About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear MaMa, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving MaMa | ||
| Aesquire |
http://chillingkoala.com/post/48968 | ||
| Sifo |
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice. "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer. | ||
| Crusty |
Eight Words with Two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male : Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one . 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by - product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. | ||
| Gregtonn |
Only a farm kid would see it this way A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself. The young boy says "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, " No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment...then says. … Sir, "you will have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard." G | ||
| Crusty |
The following questions were listed in a GED examination. > > These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) > > Q. Name the four seasons. > A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar > > Q. How is dew formed? > A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire > > Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? > A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed > > Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? > A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election > > Q. What are steroids? > A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs > (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.) > > Q... What happens to your body as you age? > A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental > > Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? > A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery > (So true.) > > Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. > A.. Premature death > > Q. What is artificial insemination? > A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow > > Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? > A.. Keep it in the cow > (Simple, but brilliant.) > > Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)? > A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (?) > > Q. What is the fibula? > A.. A small lie > > Q. What does 'varicose' mean? > A.. Nearby > > Q. What is the most common form of birth control? > A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium > (That would work.) > > Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'. > A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome > > Q. What is a seizure? > A.. A Roman Emperor. > (Julius Seizure. I came, I saw, I had a fit.) > > Q. What is a terminal illness? > A. When you are sick at the airport. > (Irrefutable.) > > Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? > A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight > (Brilliant.) > | ||
| Aesquire |
For Gamers Only. http://ffn.nodwick.com/?p=26 | ||
| Sifo |
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells. | ||
| 5liter |
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma | ||
| Ducbsa |
Goldberg, who sold Rabbi Plotkin his car but is not part of the synagogue community, comes into the rabbi’s office. “Mr. Goldberg,” says the rabbi, “you look terrible.” “That’s why I’m here, rabbi,” Goldberg says. “I didn’t know where to turn. I think my wife is trying to poison me.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” the rabbi says. “That only happens in movies and novels. Clearly you just have stress.” “For years she wouldn’t let me eat cake,” Goldberg says. “Now every night she serves me a piece of cake and instead of gaining weight, I’m losing weight, I don’t feel well…” “Look, Goldberg, I don’t know your wife, but she finally decides to do you a kindness and you think she’s trying to kill you?” “I knew you wouldn’t believe me,” Goldberg says in despair. “I see you are suffering spiritually,” the rabbi says. “And perhaps I can help in some way. Let me go talk to your wife, get a sense of her feelings, and report back to you.” Goldberg thanks the rabbi profusely and leaves. He returns the next day. “Did you talk to my wife?” Goldberg asks. “I did,” the rabbi says. “Well, what do you think?” “Goldberg,” the rabbi says, “take the poison.” | ||
| Aesquire |
http://xkcd.com/1387/  |
