| Author | Message | ||
     Midknyte |
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| Harleyelf |
A man goes to a highly recommended restaurant. It takes over an hour to get a table and another half hour to get a waiter to take his order. The soup arrives almost immediately after he orders it; he's so hungry he doesn't say anything about the waiter's thumb being immersed in it. He eats the soup and immediately the entree comes, with the waiter's thumb under the mashed potatoes. The waiter has quite an attitude and he fears not getting the rest of his food, so he says nothing and eats it; it's delicious. Finally, the dessert comes and the customer asks, "How come you don't have your thumb in my ice cream, jerk? You stuck it in all my other dishes." The waiter gets huffy and tells the customer about his family history, waiters in fine restaurants for seven generations who have developed a hereditary arthritis in the right thumb that requires immersion in something warm at all times. The customer verbally abuses the waiter and suggests that he immerse his thumb in his own anus. The waiter replies, "Of course sir, that's what I do whenever I'm in the kitchen." | ||
| Bishopjb1124 |
The patriots win the super bowl HahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahaHa hahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahaHaha hahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahaHahaha hahahahahahahahahahaha | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?" After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box." _______________________________________________ One day, three friends, an Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman went to this "Gentlemen's Club." The Irishman wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a £10 note. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the £10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, the Englishman pulls out a £50 note. He calls the girl back over, licks the £50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on the Scotsman. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the £60, and headed for the door. | ||
| Sifo |
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied:”Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.” | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
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| Crusty |
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." (You're going to love this................................) . . . . . . . . "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian" . | ||
| Kenm123t |
Wrong Thread Crusty RUDE jokes not bad ones LOL  | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host." | ||
| Sifo |
Louie Armstong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, "Hello, Dahli!" ****** A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?" ****** A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!" ****** Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. ****** A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?" ****** A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain." ****** A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high." | ||
| Harleyelf |
A bar patron sees a sign by a bottle of tequila "Win $1000! Ask the bartender". He asks, and the bartender says, "No, you don't want that contest, that's for drunks." The customer insists on hearing the rules. "Well, that bottle of tequila has a dozen jalapeno peppers soaking in it. You have to drink it all without puking." "Is that all? I can do that." "No, that's just to get you ready for the real contest. In a cage out back is a tiger with a toothache. You have to pull his bad tooth." "Gee, I think I can do that, and I could sure use $1000. Is that all?" "No, that,s just to get you ready for the real challenge. Upstairs in an apartment is a woman. She's my sister and she's never had an orgasm. She's no beauty, but Someone has to make things right with her." The customer decides to try his luck. He gets the tequila down and disappears out back. Horrible noises ensue for about fifteen minutes, and he comes back into the bar ripped half to shreds. He says, "Right, now where's that woman with the toothache?" | ||
| Jramsey |
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?" * * * * * * * * * A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." * * * * * * * * * A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." * * * * * * * * * A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!" | ||
| Sifo |
DOG DIARY 8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity! My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. The sick bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies'. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He obviously has issues. | ||
| 99savage |
After a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met, or why they’re dead. | ||
| Harleyelf |
Sifo, you need to let your cat out more often. | ||
| Nillaice |
a little 'ol lady gets pulled over for forgetting to cancel her turnsignal. the cop ask her for license and registration. as she retrieves it from her glovebox he recognizes a Glock. the officer asks her if she has a concealed carry permit, and if there are any other firearms in the car. truthfully, she answers yes, and that there is a 1911 in her purse, and a Walther PPQ under the seat. the officer can read the look on her face that she is not telling the whole story, so he asks her if that is all? she spills the beans and tells of the AR-15, Mosin-Nagant, 303 Enfield, and a pre-ban full-auto M-16 with multiple full magazines for each, of course. ... ... and an RPG. somewhat taken aback; he asks her if she is going to the gun range. she replies no he asks her if she is moving her fire arms to her son's house for storage. she replies no. he asks her if she is planning on starting a war. she replies no. quite confused; he asks her 'then WHAT on god's green earth are you afraid of ?!?!?!?!' stubbornly she replies 'NOT A GOD-DAMNED THING' | ||
| Moxnix |
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'. The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.' Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland. | ||
| Crusty |
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?" The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..." | ||
| Crusty |
Some jokes from a guy named Donni, Chicago comedian and Twitter wit: Amish murderers get the acoustic chair. I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night. Opposites attract, which is why it sucks to be this handsome. The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them. Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job. The older Hardy boys never let Ed join in their detective work. Embittered, he turned to fashion. Keep your friend's clothes, and your enemy's coasters. If you can't be with the one you love, drug the one they're with. This time of year families gather to remember why they spend the rest of the year apart. Who hasn't tried to settle a bar tab with hastily drawn treasure maps? Hey teenagers, bus rides are for silently hating your life, not loud cheerful conversations. | ||
| Harleyelf |
A tourist is in Ireland for the first time. He's looking for the Boar's Head pub to meet his cousin. He stops and asks a local for directions and Seamus gives him good information without asking a bunch of fool questions about why he's in town. He's grateful and wants to leave money at the bar for Seamus to have a pint of Guinness on him. "What's you name? I'd like to buy you a drink." "I'm Seamus" "Are you the only Seamus in town?" "No, there's two others." "How do folks distinguish you" "You see that fence? Straight as a rod for ten miles. Do they call me Seamus the fence-builder? No, they do not. You see that breakwater out in the harbor? Took me ten years to cut every one of those stones by hand and place them with nary a speck of mortar nor cement, and not one stone has shifted in twenty years. Do they call me Seamus the stone-cutter? They do not. But you let a curious teenager experiment with just one sheep..." | ||
| Fahren |
Whitney Houston isn't dead; she's just Waiting to Exhale. . . . . . .. New Whitney Houston film coming out soon: The Bodybag. | ||
| Ltbuell |
Sifo,those eel jokes you do tell at 2-3 am in the morning when everyone is "punchy".Those were good ones. A skunk,a deer and a giraffe come into a bar.The deer says"I ain't got no dough". The skunk says"i don't have a cent".The giraffe looks at the both of them and says.....wait for it.....drum roll please..."well i guess the high balls are on me"...buh duh..... | ||
| Sifo |
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| Crusty |
A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan. "No, no, it's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan. Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him. As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Coloradan. "Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait." | ||
| Sifo |
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb? Forget it, man, you just wouldn't understand. - - - - - - - - How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb? Juan. - - - - - - - - How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side. - - - - - - - - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it. - - - - - - - - How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw in hot tubs. - - - - - - - - How many NASCAR drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can only go left. - - - - - - - - How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Why change? - - - - - - - - How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let her do the dishes in the dark. - - - - - - - - How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? I just found a new recipe for Egg Salad! - - - - - - - - How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they must all be in agreement that the lightbulb must be changed to increase efficiency. - - - - - - - - How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you should have seen the size of that lightbulb! - - - - - - - - How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, buddy, if you keep buggin' me, I'm gonna rip you a new one! - - - - - - - - How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it might take all day. - - - - - - - - How many jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry, I'll just sit here in the dark. - - - - - - - - How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? 1.67 - - - - - - - - How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? One two! One two! |
