| Author | Message | ||
     Xl1200r |
Racism test: What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? a pilot. | ||
| Just_ziptab |
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. .... Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. | ||
| Bluzm2 |
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| Ronmold |
Will I Live to see 90? Here's something to think about.. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned seventy-something.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or motorcycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?' 'No,' I said.... He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a s**t? | ||
| Moxnix |
THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 31. When I retire, I'm movin' north. 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken 26. We don't keep firearms in this house. 25. You can't feed that to the dog. 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 23. Wrestling is fake. 22. We're vegetarians. 21. Do you think my gut is too big? 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 18. Who gives a Dodge who won the Civil War? 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 14. Trim the fat off that steak. 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 12. The tires on that truck are too big. 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE. 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 7. Checkmate 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 4. I don't have a favorite college team. 3. You Guys. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA | ||
| Notpurples2 |
You'd be surpised when a good 'ole boy uses his "horsey" and "pointy guy" to put you in check. How did Ed Sullivan know that his wife was sleeping with a clown? He went home and found a really big shoe... really big | ||
| Fahren |
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, Falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money. | ||
| Strokizator |
Here's an oldie: Frank Sinatra went into the men's room at a nightclub to take a leak. He was standing next to Sammy Davis Jr. and peaked over the partition. He noticed Sammy was unusually endowed and so remarked. Sammy told him that the secret to his gift was that before retiring each night he would wrap it a few times against the bedpost. It was late when Frank finally got home so he got dressed for bed in the dark so as not to wake his wife. Just before climbing into bed he remembered what Sammy had told him so he walked over to the bedpost and whacked his stuff against the bedpost. His wife awoke and whispered "Is that you, Sammy?" | ||
| Zane |
This was told to me by a 66 year old woman. Q: How can you tell a young man from an old man? A: Awww, it's not hard... | ||
| Hootowl |
Mark, I'm stealing your pilot joke. | ||
| 86129squids |
There once was a fellow, McSweeny, who spilled some gin on his weenie, Just to be couth, he added vermouth, then slipped his girlfriend a martini. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
There once was a young man from Kent Whose knob was incredibly bent To save himself trouble He folded it double And instead of him coming he went! | ||
| Hootowl |
Low is the limerick. Haiku is not much better. A poem hater. (You have to say "limerick" with two syllables.) | ||
| Harleyelf |
There's this blind guy walking down the street in San Francisco, depressed and lonely. He walks past a door and hears happy women inside. Goes inside and gropes his way to the bar (literally - nearly gets decked by the owner of the first ass he grabs) and orders a drink. It comes right away and he sits looking at it for a few minutes. No one talks to him (he's in a women's bar), which is not why he came in to the bar in the first place. He leans across the bar and says to the barkeep, "Would you like to hear a great blonde joke?" She comes closer to speak with him, "Listen", she says, "I'm going to tell you five very important things you need to know before you tell that joke in here. First, I'm the owner of this bar and I'm a blonde. Second, the bouncer is my girlfriend and she's a blonde and already mad at you for grabbing her ass. Third, the woman on your left is a blonde and a professional weightlifter. Fourth, the woman on her left is a blonde and a professional wrestler. Fifth and most important, the woman on your right is a blonde and owns a martial arts studio. Now, knowing these things, do you really want to tell that joke in here at this time?" He takes a sip of his drink and says, "No, it'll spoil it if I have to explain it five times." | ||
| Hootowl |
This one's a bit off topic, since it isn't particularly obscene, but here goes: Three blonds were in a bar and were obviously celebrating something what with the way they were drinking and carrying on. Every few minutes they'd lift their glasses, yell "27 days!" and continue drinking. Eventually, curiosity got the better of the bar tender, and he wandered over and asked them what it was that they were celebrating. They raised their glasses and replied, "We just did a jigsaw puzzle that said 3-5 years on the box, and we did it in 27 days!" | ||
| Reducati |
the only good thing to say about pedophiles...at least they drive slow in school zones.  | ||
| Moxnix |
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up" | ||
| Sifo |
A burglar broke into a house one night. When he shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, a voice came out of the dark, saying, "Jesus knows you're here!". Nearly jumping out of his skin, he turned off the flashlight and froze After a bit, when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell - he heard, again, "Jesus is watching you!". Freaked out, he shone his flashlight beam around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in a corner of the room, the beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that", he hissed at the parrot? "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you". Relaxing, the burglar continued, "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?". "Moses", replied the bird. "Moses?", the burglar laughed ... "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?". "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'", answered the bird. | ||
| Chauly |
BEST BAR JOKE 'Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Barrack Obama???" | ||
| Notpurples2 |
Funniest joke ever written | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
You shouldn't keep you Iphone here  or your glasses here  From the book "Stuck up" | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
I saw no Gerbils... | ||
| Sifo |
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| Drkside79 |
Not sure what makes a person decide hey I should totally stick ____ up my a$$ | ||
| Jramsey |
Sifo,That kinda reminds me of this.  | ||
| Fahren |
The "ewwwww" factor is rapidly rising here. | ||
| Boltrider |
Just when I think I'm a little too demented myself, a thread like this comes along and assures that I have plenty of company. (Message edited by boltrider on January 13, 2012) | ||
| Cityxslicker |
"Honey have you seen my glasses?" "If they were stuck up your @ss, you would know where they were...." the mistakes of taking a wife too literally | ||
| Notpurples2 |
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Google this one cause I don't want to be banned or have the thread shut down. | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
That was funny.... sick! but funny... sad.. cause its also true.. |
