| Author | Message | ||
     U4euh |
Jail Time A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, "I will give you 5 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." | ||
| 86129squids |
"A baby seal walks into a club..." | ||
| Brettx1 |
A man is looking through the classifieds one day when he comes across an ad that says "Talking dog for sale 50$". The man is instantly curious and calls the number to set up a meeting with the owner. The man arrives at the dog owners house and immediately start to discuss the dogs amazing ability of speech, "So he really can talk?"......"Yep", "Mind if I talk with him?"....."Knock yourself out, he's in the back room". So the man enters the back room and see's an ordinary looking Shepard laying in the corner. The dog eyes the man for a second then casually says "Sup". The man is blown away, "Oh my gosh, you really do talk!"....."yep" the dog replies. "This is amazing, so I gotta know, what's your story?!?!" said the man,trying to urge the dog to talk more. "Well", said the dog, "When I was just a pup, I was trained to be a seeing eye dog for the blind. I did that for a few years until one day while I was leading my owner down the sidewalk, I alerted police to a man who was selling pot. The cops were so impressed with me they made me a honorary drug sniffing dog on the spot and assigned me to a very busy airport somewhere in New York. I did that for a few years until one day while doing my usual patrol, I sniffed out ten dirty bombs in 30 mins, thwarting the biggest terrorist attack ever! I did that for another year until I took retirement where you find me today.". "Amazing", said the man,"wait right here, I'm going to talk with your owner"....."Ok, later", said the dog. The man exits the room and finds the owner in the living room, "He is amazing!! But I have to ask, why are you selling him for only 50$!". "Because", said the owner, "He's a F*CKING LIAR!!!!" | ||
| Sifo |
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’ There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand and said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’ | ||
| Blk_uly |
I went to the doctor the other day and she told me I had to quit masturbating. Why? I asked. She said "because I'm trying to examine you" | ||
| Slaughter |
So a priest, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, what is this, a JOKE?" | ||
| Redefine420 |
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I thought you hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I do!" | ||
| Brumbear |
Why do blonde girls have black and blue bellybuttons? Cause Blonde guys aint to bright either!!!! | ||
| Britchri10 |
A baby seal walks into a bar & asks for a Canadian Club, on the rocks! | ||
| Britchri10 |
A blind man walks into a supermarket with his seeing-eye dog. He grabs the dog by the collar & proceeds to swing the dog around his head. "What the heck are you doing?", demands the store manager. "Oh' I was just looking around!", replies the blind man. | ||
| Britchri10 |
Two peanuts were walking through Central London at the height of the School fees riots. One was a salted. | ||
| Patches |
-------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Arthur Davidson Goes To Heaven Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God... Arthur asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of the woman??" God says, "Yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much front protrusion 2. It chatters at high speeds 3 The rear end wobbles too much, and 4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on." God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours." | ||
| Patches |
Just Say NO! A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back" "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker. The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride." At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!! | ||
| Sifo |
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ." "I see," the captain said. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry." | ||
| Badlionsfan |
I've been doing some joke writing, but I don't think anything is clean enough to post so here's a dumb one liner-- After doing intensive studies, they've discovered that the leading cause of divorce is marriage. | ||
| Sifo |
Confucius say, If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the.....  | ||
| Badlionsfan |
Here's one of my lame attempts at being funny-- I feel like there's a lot more stupid people in the world than there used to be. While I'd like to think it's my perspective due to my ever expanding superior intelligence, I don't think it is. I think dumb people are living longer, causing their population to boom like bed bugs in a Super 8 mattress. Which is why I'm against things that prevent natural selection. Take those little plugs parents put in light sockets to keep jr from getting the car keys and electrocuting himself. Years ago, that kid didn't make it out of diapers. Now, he's all grown up, making bad decisions that affect all of us negatively and possibly fatally. Should this moron stumble thru life long enough, he'll see his "golden years", and inevitably mix up the gas pedal with the brake and drive thru the front of a grocery store, killing someone smart enough to read the sale flyer before beginning their shopping. So parents, on behalf of America, stop playing god, remove the light socket plugs and let natural selection serve it's function for society. | ||
| Moxnix |
What`s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?? Anyone can roast beef. | ||
| 86129squids |
Brit- I knew I'd plagiarized that seal joke, thanks for updating it! Great thread!! | ||
| U4euh |
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer" | ||
| Xl1200r |
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey... He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first." | ||
| U4euh |
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." | ||
| 99savage |
Lining in UpState, NY (way upp'a US) In Albany, NY last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 tons of heroin, 5 million dollars in forged banknotes and 25 trafficked Ubangi prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Colonie. Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library. 19 Pakistanis died in Troy, NY this morning. It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed. Police are attributing the blame to Al'Quida You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools Speaking of which, I've heard that Apple may have scrapped their plans for the new children’s' iPod after realising that iTouchKids is not a good product name. | ||
| Wheelybueller |
?Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'  | ||
| Americanmadexb |
A guy walks into a baby seal....party is over. lol..im dumb | ||
| Ourdee |
A woman goes to the doctor with severe bruises and lacerations.... Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" | ||
| Bluzm2 |
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral." | ||
| R100rs |
I'm an agnostic dyslexic insomniac... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog... | ||
| Cityxslicker |
A man with a podium and a teleprompter stands in front of a crowd ....oh I see you have heard this joke, nevermind. | ||
| 86129squids |
Cmon City, I KNOW you can do better than that... Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're good to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. |
