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Cityxslicker
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 - 01:58 am: | 
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sadly... I can not.
When people say I am funny, I think they mean peculiar and needs meds; not a hilarious sort at all. |
Whisperstealth
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 - 02:07 am: |
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Funny strange, not funny haha. I get that a lot too. Especially when I forget my meds  |
Sifo
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 - 06:52 am: |
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I don't know City... I laughed... I cried... It make me angry... It covered human emotions like Shakespeare's finest. |
U4euh
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 - 11:27 am: |
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An 85 year old man was requested by the doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the old man reappeared at the doc's office and gave him the jar which was clean, clear, and empty!The doc asked what happened and the old man began to explain:
" Well doc it's like this, 1st I tried it with my right hand, but nothing! Then I tried it with my left hand, still nothing! Then I asked my wife for some help. She tried it with her right hand, and then her left hand, but still nothing!Then she tried it with her mouth, once with her teeth in and once with her teeth out, and still nothing happened. My wife then called Arlene, our next door neighbor. She too tried it with each hand. She tried with an armpit and even tried putting it between her knees and squeezing as I worked my side of it, STILL NOTHING!
The doctor was shocked, your wife even asked your neighbor to help???
The old man replied, " yep, and none of us could get that jar open!" |
Wolfridgerider
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 - 01:38 pm: |
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Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just f##king with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?" |
Cityxslicker
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 - 01:56 pm: |
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Boris came home from work, just two weeks after the honeymoon to his new bride.
He walked in the door to find his new wife all smiles, and with 'good news'
Do you love me she asked beamingly?
Of course my angel, what is news?
Soon we are to be three !
I am so happy, words cannot describe!
Good, because mother lands at airport in two hours, you go to pick her up. |
Moxnix
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 - 03:46 pm: |
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so stupid that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. |
Kcfirebolt
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 09:50 am: |
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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to Jump of a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
& So, she does, with a deep tongue kiss.
After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....." |
Sayitaintso
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 10:04 am: |
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I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to
pause and remember what life is all about. There was a great loss
recently. Larry LaPrice, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey
Pokey", died last week at age 83. It was extremely difficult for the
family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and
....well, you know the rest. |
Fahren
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 10:19 am: |
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And, as the bumper sticker says,
"What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?" |
Sayitaintso
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 10:44 am: |
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From this weekend in the Orlando Sentinel
Coral Gables, FL. (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a
Miami-Dade courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling
over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being
beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his
aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that
family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the Judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal
references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted
temporary custody to the Miami Hurricanes, whom the boy firmly believes
are not capable of beating anyone. |
Hootowl
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 10:49 am: |
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The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. The ranchers were using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, but the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured, castrated, and released. The ranchers thought about this for a while, then an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't f*#%in' our sheep...they're eatin' 'em!" |
Jramsey
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 12:38 pm: |
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Dad and his daughter at the mall
I took my dad to the mall to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring at him every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response,knowing he would have a good one.
And in his classic style he did knot bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk and had sex with a peacock once, I was just wondering if you were my son" |
Brumbear
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 02:10 pm: |
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This Gentlemen and ladies is a true story and I am the object of humility. I shared this when it happened with the guys I usually ride with on nj buell and I figured I'd share it with my extended Buell family:
And brothers I get my fair share!!!! So sit back and enjoy!!!!
So it's Wed morning and I am freezin my arse off and bingo light comes get a jacket. so off to Wallyworld I go. I start looking at carhart jackets and the 1 piece insulated carhart jump suit catches my eye. Hhhmmm I says looks warm but being the portly fella I am I need a xxl. so there is the xxl hanger witha nice black insulated 1 piece sitting there all purdy like and I unzip the leggs open her up a step on in. Well at first its a fine fit but as I start to stand erect I notice OH MAN THIS IS SNUG ON THE OL BALLS and suddenly before I can think about POP I am in. UH OH it's 10 am on a wed morn and nobody is here and I I I am fukin stuck in this suit of DEATH AAARRRGGGHHHHH I can't get out I am flappin and jumpin and swinging and I can't GET OUT!!!!! Now add to this the thought of several security guards and some Indian women laughing there asses off at me and FULL BLOWN PANIC MODE!!!!!!!!! SMASH there goes a rack of down jackets Fling there goes the ties AAAHHHHHHAAAHHHH I got an IDEA!!!! shrink the arms grab some sleeve and pull really hard and now I hear RRRRRIIIIIPPPP and NOTHING still fukin stuck!!!!!! OH SHYT OH SHYT GOD I AM OUTA BREATH ALREADY I WONDER IF I"LL EVER GET OUT. Eureka I got it door handle so I bend down hook the neck of the suit of Death on the dressing room door handle and stand up MY WORD MY BALLS HURT I CAN"T BREATHE I AM GONNA PASS OUT!!!!!!I stand up and push hard and BOOM the fUkIn door is breaking ••• it pull POP I am free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I am sweating I look back the area is in shambles and ITS TIME TO SKEEDADLE but first I can't resist look at the suit of DEATH one more time shyt TAG Says XL wrong Hanger :mrgreen: So my Breatheren the moral iss Don't trust those Fukin Hanger Tags. And I am not telling a fib this really happened!!!!
LAUGH ON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Swordsman
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 02:45 pm: |
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LOL, dude, I dunno if you were high while writing this stream-of-consciousness recollection, but I did indeed laugh pretty hard. 
~SM |
Ourdee
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2011 - 05:17 pm: |
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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a beautiful young girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...." |
Sayitaintso
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2011 - 07:47 am: |
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, petted the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to gear up for a great ride, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. It was super cold with the rain, and the wind was blowing
50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding
in that crap....." |
Fahren
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2011 - 12:03 pm: |
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A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in
the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.' |
Fahren
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2011 - 12:11 pm: |
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The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll through his local downtown.
As he passes by the record store, a sign catches his eye.
"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make- available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the
window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like
to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for
you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the
world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I
recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young salesman.
"If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"I don't understand it", he says,
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,
"I've just realized I was playing you the bee side." |
Fahren
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2011 - 12:20 pm: |
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Apparently in this cold winter weather we should all look after our neighbors. The old lady next door to me hasn't checked on me once, in fact she hasn't even bothered to take her newspaper in for three days....lazy cow. |
U4euh
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2011 - 10:19 pm: |
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |
U4euh
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2011 - 10:22 pm: |
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Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" |
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