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Glitch
| | Posted on Friday, December 24, 2010 - 11:23 am: | 
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We've talked. Basically, she hears what I'm saying, but can't bring herself to do anything about it.
Bring herself to do what exactly?
Am I missing something?
With regards to all that's going through your head right about now.
All that wishful thinking.
All that fantasizing of how things might be.
Just remember one thing before you make any decisions...
Be careful what you wish for.
You must however think of your son first. |
Blake
| | Posted on Friday, December 24, 2010 - 01:18 pm: |
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Jerry,
I went back and read what I had missed. I agree, Rotzaruck nailed it.  |
Moxnix
| | Posted on Friday, December 24, 2010 - 04:15 pm: |
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Ditto. |
Pkman
| | Posted on Friday, December 24, 2010 - 07:11 pm: |
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+1 on Rotzaruck! Nobody has a perfect life. Trying to seek that is fruitless for us humans. My parents divorced when I was 18 because my dad was looking for something different. That was 31 years ago and he still hasn't found it and my mother (since re-married) still loves him but pities him. |
Blake
| | Posted on Friday, December 24, 2010 - 08:33 pm: |
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Some of us get fooled into believing that a good life is all about keeping ourselves entertained. The fortunate among us figure out what foolishness that is before we depart from our corporal existence. |
Xodot
| | Posted on Friday, December 24, 2010 - 11:18 pm: |
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Sword, I don't see much advice posted here that will hurt you.
I am married 33 years. We have 4 adult kids. Like you, at about 15 years, I was beginning to see distance between us that was not there before.
I could not make her change
The change came from within me.
I asked God to bless me that I would have more love for her. He did for me and He will for you too if you ask Him. It came to me in the form of "seeing" her and appreciating what she was doing. By that I do NOT mean saying "thank you", I mean I gained an understanding of the immense effort and work she was lovingly giving to me and the kids and others. I came to value her as I should. I am not a very thoughtful person so these revelations were beyond my natural capacity.
My wife told me this a few years ago:
The man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man. A woman will always love the children more than she loves the man. A man who will love the children and sacrifice for them will be loved for what he does by the woman who loves those children he serves.
Merry Christmas and my sincere best wishes to you as you make this work for your family. |
Sparky
| | Posted on Saturday, December 25, 2010 - 12:37 am: |
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Amen, Xodot. Those are profound words of wisdom. |
Bigdaddy
| | Posted on Saturday, December 25, 2010 - 07:59 pm: |
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I'm just some idiot on this board (love it here, still ride Buells, still read the board daily, but rarely post anymore...don't really know why).
This post was started on the 22nd and I missed it. I missed because we were celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary and we've been together since, uh, well, before puberty I guess  She was with me for 22 years in the Army so it hasn't always been easy. There were many times that it would have been easier to call it good and go our separate ways, but we never let anything come between us...talked, talked and talked. She is still the most beautiful female on the entire planet and a great person too.
There is a ton of good advice already posted and I'm quite certain that someone has put one right in your wheelhouse and it will be a successful plan for you if you implement it.
Mine advice is less technical than others, some would call it simple, but you have to open up the lines of communication and talk talk talk (it can be difficult). That is my first point.
My second point is God. Seriously, visit some local churches if you don't already belong to one. Get a good feel for you minister and just like anything else in life you will either get a good feeling, a bad feeling or something that is stuck in neutral. A good minister, pastor, spiritual adviser can do absolute wonders for a relationship.
Talk, talk and talk. I'm quite certain that there is nothing you wouldn't do for your son and the task of repairing your relationship should be viewed as part of your being his father.
The only thing that is truly inevitable is a humanly death. Everything else can be modified and configured.
YMMV, but I know with unflinching certainty that the above does in fact work. I will be praying for you.
Merry Christmas and may God bless us all!
G2 |
Gregtonn
| | Posted on Saturday, December 25, 2010 - 08:51 pm: |
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SM,
The more I think about it the more I see it like this:
You made a promise to your wife when you married her.
When you decided to have your son you made a commitment that includes him.
The choice should be simple.
"Sometimes in life what is required of us is not to do what we want but to do what needs to be done." _Greg Tonn |
Vampress
| | Posted on Sunday, December 26, 2010 - 01:28 am: |
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I am no expert by a long way and have only been married for a short time. I do know that everyone has doubts and concerns over the exact same things as you.
Not because they are no longer IN love in most cases, but because they don't understand that the love they feel has changed. It develops into a deeper emotion the longer you are with someone. The connection grows and you understand different things about your partner and yourself.
You find yourself being more comfortable at times in their arms, than in their bed too. Feeling like the spark is gone and the 'honeymoon period' has worn off. 11 months, 11 years or 11 days...
I read something really cool somewhere once, that may apply to you... "Never marry someone for lust, because when that fades away, you will still need to hold a good conversation"
If you are comfortable with your lady, a good person is hard to find.
Mac's advice is good too. Do things to change your routine and rekindle different feelings. We have a 'surprise date night' every now and then where one of us takes the other to a secret spot for...whatever. We have done all sorts of things-dinners, beach walks, shows, bowling! And the naughty stuff doesn't hurt either
When all is said and done, you really do need to bite the bullet and talk about it with her. While staying is the noble thing to do, it won't be pleasant for anyone if you are miserable and feel like you are keeping the truth from her. I have seen once good relationships get very bitter for the very same reason. Children pick up on this pretty quickly too 
Just remember, it is not just important how she and your son feel...it is important how you all feel. I hope you can work things out. |
Iamike
| | Posted on Sunday, December 26, 2010 - 09:38 am: |
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I have been slowly digesting these comments because in my 33 years of mariage I have had similar feelings.
Every time I feel like I am being left out I remind myself of the lonelyness growing old without a partner and children would be. Sure, I would have the freedom to do what I want, but at what cost?
I am very lucky (fortunate), to have a wife who has her own career and since I get 3 more weeks of vacation then she does, lets me take cycle trips. When I first started doing guy trips she resented it. I would ask "Well, do you want to go?", and her answer was "No". After she finally took a 'girls only' trip did she realize the value in them. Instead of resenting each other we now can talk about the fun. When we do get to take trips together they are more special than just a vacation.
The event that really opened my eyes was when she had a mild heart-attack 2 years ago. The thought that I would have to go it alone really bothered me. Then when I broke my ankle (on the dirt bike) last spring she didn't criticize me, just took care of me.
I don't foresee either one of us ever moving towards each other's interests but as long as we remain tolerant of them we will stay together. |
Firebolt020283
| | Posted on Monday, December 27, 2010 - 11:59 am: |
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ok I am coming to this conversation a little late but this is coming from some one who just had his wife feel the same way you was in this first post and she decided to split and do what she wanted.
I loved her whole heartedly and done everything I could to make her happy. Still it was not enough in the end. She left and everything and it tore me up for many months (as those of you on my facebook friends know) and even started having other bad things happen to me then one day when I was almost at the bottem I got up and picked my self up and started living again and now I am happy.
I say all of that because now that she made her bed and I have recovered and she is now realizing what the others have said about the greener grass stuff but that ship has sailed. So do think long and hard about that other pasture before you cross the fence. |
Xl1200r
| | Posted on Monday, December 27, 2010 - 04:22 pm: |
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Maybe I'm the bad guy, but...
Think of what would be best for your son, not you. He has the most to lose or gain
This statement is total BS. Someone please explain to me how a miserable couple is more capable of raising a healthy child than two happy, but separate people.
My parents divorced when I was 12. I've grown up to be a happy, healthy and (mostly, lol) well-adjusted person.
I'm not saying you should bail - quite the opposite, really. But I'm saying that divorce is a very real, last resort kind of option.
You guys just gotta talk, and if you're both into counseling, try it.
You kind of hinted that there may be problems in the bedroom - I've been in that boat before and it's a tough one. Problems in the bedroom can lead to problems outside of it and vise versa, so where did it start? No way to know, really. You can try to "spice things up" with a silly book or rediculous outfits... or, do what I do - just go get naked and do each other someplace you aren't supposed to. I need two hands to count the number of times I could have been arrested with my girlfriend over the last year for stuff like this, lol. Driving at night and see a new house being built? Sneak into it and go to town. Having a house party? Meet up in the bathroom and make it quick. At a bar or concert and feeling frisky? Go to the car. It may sound silly, but to me it sure beats dressing up like a jedi or sticking things up each other's butts, lol. (No offense inteded to anyone that suggested books or outfits and/or had it work for them - just trying to humorously offer an alternative)
I'm also going to second (there were a few who said it) to find a new hobby, activity, etc to share with her - there's got to be something you've both wanted to do and just never had the chance.
Maybe you're the kind of person where church or religion could help - I know my own feelings on it and I know it wouldn't help for me, but I do have faith, and being out in nature, in a particularly beautiful, quiet and remote place will give me a "transformative moment". My girlfriend and I have shared many new activities with each other, but more than any of them (including riding), I can't wait to have one of those moments with her. Maybe that's something that works for you. (This builds on both the religious and new activity suggestions from others)
Food for thought. Good luck with it all. |
Fahren
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 - 01:13 pm: |
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Here's a question with no pro or con position attached to it, but an important one, I believe:
If you know that this was to be the last day of your life, with whom would you spend it?
The answer you come to may give you an idea about the rest of your life. I sincerely hope you have a long and healthy, happy life - but in all reality, tomorrow may be the end of any of our days. Try living as if it were, and see what perspective that gives you. |
T9r
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 29, 2010 - 10:13 am: |
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I'm still new to this marriage thing too. I see communication as the key, but the alternate side is the lock (making sure the message is recieved by both people).
After watching "Fireproof" it has a great message. Because you are the only person that can start the change try "The Love Dare", a book associated with the movie.
Here is a description:
Too many marriages end when someone says "I've fallen out of love with you" or "I don't love you anymore." The Love Dare discusses how these statements reveal a lack of understanding about the fundamental nature of true love.
The Love Dare is a 40-day guided devotional experience that will lead your heart back to truly loving your spouse while learning more about the design, nature, and source of true love. Each reading includes Scripture, a statement of principle, the day's "dare," and a journaling area and check box to chart progress.
Dare to take The Love Dare, and see your marriage change forever. |
Revz
| | Posted on Thursday, December 30, 2010 - 04:09 pm: |
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Maybe I'm the bad guy, but...
Think of what would be best for your son, not you. He has the most to lose or gain
This statement is total BS. Someone please explain to me how a miserable couple is more capable of raising a healthy child than two happy, but separate people.
Not to defend, but maybe the original author should have been given a chance to further clarify before the BS stamp was applied...
...because in my reading the original author does not specifically define the outcome which you attack.
maybe he(original author) DID mean what you thought.. ? to save the marriage at all costs,
or
maybe he meant regardless of the state of the marriage broken, separated, or divorce, re-solidified, the adult should take care to look outside themselves, no matter the outcome, to include the welfare of those in their care
or
some other option I didn't make up or think of...
And by the way THREE are involved here not just two.
just sayin...
REVz
(Message edited by revz on December 30, 2010) |
Gregtonn
| | Posted on Thursday, December 30, 2010 - 08:04 pm: |
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SM,
Just so you don't think I don't understand what you're going through.
Thirty years ago last monday I had been married for nine years and had a son who was one and a half years old.
On that morning my wife said, "I have an apartment and I'm moving out."
There was no other man at that time so that wasn't her issue.
I had exactly two dates about three years after that.
Since then there has been no one else.
I guess you could call me a thirty year virgin. 
G |
Brinnutz
| | Posted on Thursday, December 30, 2010 - 11:42 pm: |
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"Apparently you have have gotten the 7 year itch 4 years late. It's cheaper to keep her." As spoken by our very own BrettX1.
A side note...Alcohol may or may not have been involved in the making of this post. |
Revz
| | Posted on Friday, December 31, 2010 - 10:48 am: |
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Gregtonn
I'm so sorry for you. I pray that you were able to keep a good relationship with your son through this time. You might have more wisdom to offer than many of us...blessings to you.
REVz |
Gregtonn
| | Posted on Friday, December 31, 2010 - 12:55 pm: |
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REVz,
Save it for someone else. I can deal with it.
My son has been a great joy through those years and still remains so.
I still get along with my ex though I only see her every few years.
She tried to make things ugly for a while and said, "What do you mean you aren't going to hire a lawyer? You're not playing the game right!"
I told her, "It isn't a game and I'm not playing."
G |
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