| Author | Message | ||
     Fahren |
I wish there was a Jokes thread, maybe over in the backfire area, along with Associations and Ladies on bikes.... anyway, just read this from another forum: While walking down the street one day a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the congressman. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The congressman reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the congressman. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... Today you voted.' (Message edited by fahren on March 30, 2010) | ||
| Nevrenuf |
i like that. | ||
| Sifo |
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. He's a martyr now though— the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. 'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the other. 'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers. Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.' 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . 'They blow up so fast, don't they?’ | ||
| Froggy |
There was one a few weeks ago, I think it fell into the archive. | ||
| Spiderman |
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| Johnnylunchbox |
Great Joke Bwwwaaaaahhhhhhaaaahaaaaaaaa! See here. http://www.badweatherbikers.com/buell/messages/406 2/550982.html?1269963413 | ||
| Strokizator |
A woman asks a show judge why her dog always comes in second and never takes home the ribbon. The judge tells her that it has a little tuft of hair on his belly that shouldn't be there, otherwise it would be a winner. On the way home she stops at a drug store to get some hair remover, but seeing the large array of products, is a bit overwhelmed. The druggist, seeing her confusion, asks if she needs help. "What's the best stuff you have?" she asks. He selects a box and says that is product is strong but works very well. He asks her "Where are you going to use it?" She says "I'm going to put it on my schnauzer." He replies "Well, in that case, don't leave it on for longer than 5 minutes, rinse it off really good and then don't ride a bike for a week." | ||
| Crusty |
Tony; you beat me to it. | ||
| Jdemoxb9r |
Theres three pregnant women at a doctors office. A blonde, brunette, and a redhead. They start talking about thier upcoming babies and the brunette says "Im gonna have a boy because I was on top." so the redhead says, "Well, then I will have a girl cuz I was on bottom" The blonde starts sobbing and the two women ask "whats wrong hunny?" . . . . So the blonde says while still crying "Im gonna have have PUPPIES!" | ||
| Sifo |
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got nice house' | ||
| Sifo |
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| Wolfridgerider |
To: John Hinckley From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man. Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Pwnzor |
HAHAHAHHAHAhahahahahaHAHAhahahah!!!!!! Like a screen door in a tornado.....!!!!! HAHAhahahAHAhahAHahAhAHaHAha  | ||
| Froggy |
Camel Towing  "Call us if you're in a hairy situation, a tight jam, a pinch, a slippery spot. We'll pull you out." (Yes its real) | ||
| Iman501 |
a plane is going to crash on board area teacher, a base ball player, and a soldier the pilot says that the three of them cant take all of their possessions with them so they must choose the one item they cherish the most and throw it out the plane and jump after it. the teacher chooses her fav book and jumps. when she lands she finds a little girl crying. when asked whats wrong the little girl said a flying book hit me the baseball player throws his fav bat, and jumps after it. when he lands he finds a little boy crying. when asked whats wrong the little boy says a flying baseball bat hit me. the soldier decides to keep his fav grenade. he throws it out and jumps after it. when he lands he sees a group of kids laughing. when asked why they were laughing the youngest of the children (billy) says i farted and the building behind me blew up!!! | ||
| Froggy |
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I was supposed to meet a friend 30 mins. ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer." says the balloonist. "I am." replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says "You must be a manager." "I am." replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well", says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow MY fault." | ||
| Cowboy |
Once while on a trip to Asia an American sailor went to a local cat house for a night of pleasure. The nextday the ship sailed for home after 2 days out the sailor found his penus turning black and starting to hurt he went to the ships DR. and was told this was worst kind of VD and only cure was to remove it sailor said he wanted a second openion and would not let the Dr. remove it. Soon they reached home port in U S A where he went to company Dr.and told the story again. company Dr. gave him the same story (must remove it) He said no no no and left. while walkind down the street he came upone s sign that said Eye-Fock-Yew MD. specialest with Orental VD. He went in and told the DR. the story The Chinese DR. told him. Just like American DR. always want to cut cut cut. Chinese DR. no cut leave a lone for 2 weeks more and pinus fall off. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Mr_grumpy |
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes." | ||
| Delta_one |
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,"but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But the breakfast was my idea. | ||
| Pwnzor |
An Italian man, and Irishman, and a Chinese man are idly standing around the materials yard at the lumber mill. The foreman sees this this waste of man hours and decides to give them a task. "You three men, come over here. I want you to clean up these piles of gravel and move it all into one big pile over there." He puts the Italian man in charge of shoveling the gravel, the Irishman in charge of sweeping up, and the Chinese man in charge of the supplies to do the job. The foreman goes about his business for two hours and when he returns, there has been no work performed and the Chinese man is nowhere to be seen. "What the hell is going on here, I told you men to move this gravel over there!!" The men complain that they have no broom or shovel and they are waiting for the Chinese man to return with the supplies. The foreman then begins looking all over the yard for the Chinese man. All three of them are frantically searching, but can't seem to find him... when suddenly, the Chinese man jumps out from behind a stack of lumber and yells, "SUPPLIES!" | ||
| Froggy |
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