| Author | Message | ||
     Whatever |
JEFF FOXWORTHY You Might Be A Redneck If... Appearance You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken. You own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves. You've ever walked into a restaurant with a toothpick. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. You've ever financed a tattoo. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. Your biggest fashion risk is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H fair. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. Your consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid shirt, and thermal underwear. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and your left arm below the shirt sleeve. You own at least 20 baseball caps. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. A sign that says "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey. Exxon and Conoco have offered your royalties for your hair. You own a homemade fur coat. Birds are attracted to your beard. You clean your fingernails with a stick. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You've ever bought a used cap. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You own a denim leisure suit. You cut your toenails in front of company. You can spit without opening your mouth. You have grease under your toenails. Education The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute." Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare. If the fifth grad is referred to as "your senior year." The theme song to your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places." During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles. Family Your family tree doesn't fork. Your richest relative called you over to help take the wheels off his new house. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth when she tells the state trooper to kiss her ass. Your spent you family's grocery money, because you just had to have a set of those Yosemite Sam mudflaps for your pickup truck. Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan at least once. Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. Your mother keeps a spittoon on the ironing board. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ••••••••?" You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right". Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you own them) and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for you mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. Your gene pool doesn't have a deep end. "Honey, are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and the wife make love. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. Yer ma calls ya over to help because she has a flat tire ... on her house. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco. You can't get married to yer sweetheart because there's a law against it! Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. Your momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toe Red Wings. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids." Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. Food & Drinks You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre. You've ever barbequed Spam on the grill. You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups. The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia boss. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking when it gets light. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. House & Yard There is a stuffed possum mounted in your home. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road." Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. You have a house that's mobile and seventeen cars in the front yard that aren't. Your home has more miles on it than your car. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in the front yard. You mow your lawn and find a car. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. The ASPCA raids your kitchen. You have to move more than one old mattress out of your front yard to get your new car up on its blocks. Your can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. Vehicles Less than half the cars that you own run. The primary color of your car is "bondo". You use a rag as a gas cap. You have a Hefty bag for the passenger-side window of your car. You consider yourself to have a personalized license plate, as your father made it for you in prison. You think 'Volvo' is part of a woman's anatomy. You think BMW are the call letters of a radio station. Duct tape is an integral part of your car. The rear tires on your car at at least twice as wide as the front ones. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. When you run out of gas, you put moonshine in the gas tank. Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in. You have a Hefty bag for a car convertible top. You just bought an 8-track player for your car. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. Your dog rides in the cab of your pickup and your wife rides in the back. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You've ever hit a deer with your car ... on purpose. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. People hear your car a long time before they see it. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. You think the French Riviera is foreign car. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. Misc. You've ever used lard in bed. You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. You've ever yelled "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital. You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've even been too drunk to fish. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. Your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand. After making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You've ever been to a funeral where there are more pick-up trucks than cars. Your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard. Your idea of fiscal responsibility is having enough money to keep beer in the fridge and gas in the truck. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. When asked for I.D., you show your belt buckle. You've broken more than one tooth trying to open a bottle of beer. You need only one more hole punched in your card to get a free tattoo. You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy", "Hey", or "How y'all doin'". (If they respond with the same, they're a redneck too.) You've ever used a weedeater indoors. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. Redman sends you a Christmas card. You have started a petition to change the national anthem to "Georgia on my Mind." You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis. You are still holding onto Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. Your participate in the "who can spit tobacco farthest" contest. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and gun rack hanging in your truck. You think the mountain men in "Deliverance" were "misunderstood." You've ever made change in the offering plate. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round out yonder, back a Bubba's barn." You'd rather catch bass than get some. You think that John Deere Green, Ford blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby." Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle. You celebrate groundhog day (because you believe in it.) You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's Ladies Night at the local bar. You're always moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You." Dolly Parton reminds you of the Grand Tetons. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. (Your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.) You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible." Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open Up: Police!" In tough situations you ask yourself "What would Curly do?" You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines," or "Play Ball!" You bring your dog to work with you. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever given rat traps as gifts. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your considered an expert on wormbeds. You've ever stolen toilet paper. You take a fishing pole into Sea World. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic. All of your four letter words are two syllables. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You call your boss "dude". You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
My girlfriend is an internet porn-star. She's going to go ballistic when she finds out! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
An Englishman was holidaying in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. One day they were strolling along a nude beach when they noticed a naked Black local also strolling towards them. The Black guy notices the white guy has '" WY" tattooed on his penis and asks what it stands for? The white guy says .. Well when I get an erection it spells my girlfriends name " WENDY " , The surprised white guy sees that the Black guy also has " WY " tattooed on his penis and asks what it stands for? The black guy says , well when I get an erection it spells " WELCOME TO THE BAHAMAS AND HAVE A NICE DAY " !! | ||
| Fast1075 |
Thank you Char....that is a very complete list...lets just say...some  of those items I am familiar with...except I don't own velvet paintings....and when I mow my grass, I find pickup trucks...and an old Yamaha. LOL And grilled Spam IS a delicacy. (Message edited by fast1075 on January 29, 2010) | ||
| Aptbldr |
"As a bagpiper, I play many gigs."  ... thought was 1st joke in a list. | ||
| Nevrenuf |
a lot of good stuff here crusty,char, grumpy and everyone else. always good to get a laugh in at the end of the week. | ||
| Mnrider |
I must be a redneck cause I do think a chain saw is a musical instrument. | ||
| Americanmadexb |
Whats the difference between the White House and a Zoo? A Zoo has an African Lion The White House has Lion African! | ||
| Brumbear |
well Paddy an Sean were gonna take Paddy's motorbike on a ride through the Irish farms and they started out fine. Then Sean said Paddy stop the motorbike I'm freezin cold the wind is goin right through me. Paddy says oh well then Sean turn your jacket round put the zipper in the back.So off they go Seans jacket on backward. They have a fall, the motorbike is a disaster the boys are fine. Paddy says Sean stay with me motorbike I 'll get help and away he goes. About a half hour later Paddy returns with the constable and a tow truck and they see a bunch of fine Irish farmers standing round Seans dead corpse. Paddy says with alarm whats going on here Sean was fine when I left? One of the older farmers looks and shrugs his shoulders fuuniest ting happened he was fine till we turned his head round the right way and dare he is dead as wood I'll be  | ||
| Aldaytona |
Why do Italian men wear mustaches? So they can look like their mother. | ||
| Nm5150 |
Why do little girls from Jersey put fish in their pants? So they can smell like big girls from Jersey | ||
| Sknight |
Australian man has gone walkabout in New Zealand. After a short walk he comes across a man holding a sheep by the tail and really giving it to the sheep. The Aussie hops the fence, walks up and says "Ya know back home we shear those." The Kiwi says "I ain't bloody sharin' this wit no one!" | ||
| Vampress |
Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath Ahahahahaha....slow day here. | ||
| Tom_b |
Why does the cowboy have shit in his mustache? Looking for love in all the wrong places | ||
| Ourdee |
It don't get any better than this: http://tinyurl.com/y8ufsnp | ||
| Spike240sx |
Mother F#####er | ||
| Ourdee |
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| Hex |
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| Spiderman |
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson touched little boys. | ||
| Brumbear |
Schiese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rolled again | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
The Texas Work Force Department The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help,and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent. The rancher replied, "That would be me." | ||
| Sifo |
As long as the ice has been broken in these areas... The White House has announced that the term "n****r rigged" will no longer be used. You are now to use the term "presidential solution". | ||
| Buelleaver |
My favorite Jeff Foxworthy is “ You might be a redneck if you home is mobile but your cars aren’t. | ||
| Xbimmer |
Did you hear the one about the two gay Irishmen? You know, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick? | ||
| Hr_puffinstuff |
we haven't even come CLOSE to offending everybody...yet. What's black and crispy and hangs from the ceiling? Polish Electrician Did you hear that W.Virginians came up with a new use for sheep? They shear them. How can you tell if a cop's been mortally wounded? He drops his donut Then there was the Polish guy that married a Puerto-Rican woman. At 13, the son was arrested for spray painting graffiti on a chain-link fence. Did you hear they now have an "extra-strength" Viagra? it's so strong, it'll work with your wife. What do you call an Iraqi on the side of the road with his hands up a camel's ass? a mechanic. There's now a morning-after pill for men. it changes your DNA. The engineering of the human body makes me think God was Polish. how else would the crapper end up so close to the rec. area Why do all Fairy Tales start with "Once upon a time...."? They don't...some start with "If elected, I promise..." How can you tell that Christ wasn't born in Mexico? No wise men, no virgins What's dangerous and eats nuts? syphilis What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarreha? One shucks between fits, and the other ••••• between shits. Why doen't Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico? because Oklahoma sucks. ....and, just to make sure EVERYBODY is offended - the worst joke i have ever heard.... What's the best thing about sleeping with 9 year-old girls? if you flip them over, they look just like 8 year-old boys | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
 Oh man, you gonna BURN. | ||
| Reg_kittrelle |
OK... a slight diversion... My favorite t-shirt: "Jesus loves me, but he thinks your an •••••••" | ||
| Reg_kittrelle |
Yeah know, those dumba$$ red dots really ruin a good joke. | ||
| Xbrad9r |
someone used the word "N*****rigging" the PC term is now non-caucasian engineering |
